And I have been feeling very sad the past few days, unable to snap out of it. I can't help but think of the 'new' life he is/will have, and of all the things I (and the children) will most likely miss out on - overseas holidays, owning a house, just a reduced standard of living etc etc. not great I know but I just couldn't shake it. I was considering setting a time limit in how long I will let this situation go on for, before I confront him and ask him to either commit to leaving, and do it properly, or commit to staying and trying to make it work. I hadn't been brave enough yet.
And then yesterday (Sat) I was working so H cane home to watch the children. He said he was going to take them to a play cafe, with a male work friend and his niece. When I cane home, the girls told me they met the work colleague but also met K with yellow hair. This is the woman I am highly suspicious if him having an affair with. I got so angry I confronted him. Apparently it wasn't planned, it was a last minute thing to invite her, and it wasn't an 'introduction' she apparently has a boyfriend. I'm not sure I believe any of what he says anymore. It just hurt so much that he would do that! We have even had conversations in the past where I have said that would be the most hurtful thing I could think of. And he goes and does it. I told him that's it, we are arranging mediation properly next week, I can't go on like this. And he never replied.
After that I felt strangely calm. (I think it has a lot to do with my going to church just before this, and the Gospel was Jesus' turn the other cheek sermon). I actually felt almost happy. I went in, started laughing and playing with the kids, got them their dinner and bathed, was just generally happy. He came into the kitchen at this time, and I started small talk, about work the gym etc and even caught him smiling and laughing with me. Of course he stopped himself but it surprised me. It was almost how we would normally interact, before all this. He never mentioned what I said about mediation. But he did pull himself away, you could almost see it. He put the girls to bed, and I was playing with S in the living room, watching TV, he came in and was readying himself to leave, but then sat there for a good 15 more minutes. I didn't ignore H, but didn't talk to him either. I kept playing with the baby, and let him move between me and his dad.
I'm not sure if these are positive signs, or if i am just too hyper-sensitive to everything at the moment. I also don't know what to do about what I said about the mediation. He is home with the children today again while I work again. I'm apprehensive as I'm not sure what to expect now. Although I guess that's not really any different from before. I'm trying so hard to be brave, and keep optimistic, but I am so scared of setting myself up for even more hurt, and I want to protect the children as much as I can. It breaks my heart that they already think it's normal that Daddy never sleeps at home now.
