Heather, You are "assuming" that he drove by and saw the forester working on the barn roof. He may not have been in the area at all. If you go back and look at some of your previous threads, you had told him about the $125 bill last month and he advised you then that he wasn't going to pay it and was not responsible for her college bills. Keep in mind, college is a privilege, not a given in some areas and I think he's already looked into what he's responsible for, etc.
I seriously doubt that if he did drive by he would have been angry that someone else was repairing the roof for you. In fact, he may have been relieved that it was not something he had to take care of, nor fork out money for.
I think that some of your problem is that when one thing hits you, the other tasks in your life take on a much larger picture and you begin to roll down the hill, so to speak. You panic and get anxious. Cut your larger picture of life into smaller pieces and work on each little piece at a time. Yes, I can imagine you did feel like you were going to snap. You are still expecting him to act a certain way and he's not going to be that way again for a long time, if ever. As difficult as this may sound, you have got to stop looking to him to be there for you. He's not, he walked out and moved to another area and right now, he's still providing money for the home and your youngest daughter. I strongly urge you to do something about your oldest daughter's insurance before he discontinues the payment of it. The reason that I say this is that he's mentioned it to you and usually when they do that, they are thinking about that expense and possibly discontinuing it.
Your oldest daughter needs to find a part time job to help out w/her smaller expenses. You are not going to be able to foot her entire college bill on your own.
As for the cottage rental...did you speak up and advise your mother of what had been going on? You should have because if you didn't, you allowed her to place that "guilty" burden on you once again. Heather, you are a strong woman and if you don't take the stance that you aren't going to allow people to use and abuse you in your day-to-day life, they'll continue to walk all over you and take advance of your silence. You've taken some steps already to correct this w/the parents of your students. Continue to set your boundaries and I think you'll discover that the heavy load you are carrying will lighten up a bit.
Don't worry about your interaction w/your h. You stated what you had to say and so did he. That was yesterday, look to today for more positive things in your life. Think positive and things will go better for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, I totally get how upsetting his text is. It hurts to our very core when they hurt or are dismissive of their kids. our kids.
It is insane that we need to determine if they are required by law to help their child pay for college. That Smokey doesnt just want to help his daughter have a better future.
He is deep in denial.
It made me cry to read that he blames you for HIS relationship with HIS daughter. Give me a break. She doesnt even live with you right now, he could choose to visit her at college or do other things with her to show her that he is present for her. But he chooses not to. That is his loss. But for him to blame you is a sin and so deeply hurtful.
DBing sometimes pushes us to "listen" to MLCx too much when they are spouting insane things. Keep the focus on yourself and your girls as you have been doing.
Look at how your technical writing is taking off and how much better you are managing the finances around tutoring.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I have had a really nice day. Back to status quo, which is good for me for today. No texts from Smokey.
D19 is sick. Feel so badly for her. She sounds horrible.
I finished my latest tech writing project. I took my time and did a nice job. I'm beginning to understand this stuff. I can see myself writing about this engineering stuff for other companies within the next six months.
Yes, Job, I did stand up for myself with my mom. I was kinda harsh actually. I just felt frustrated. Jeez. I wanted to go on vacation and I was going to pay for myself and D11. My sis and my mom are the ones who decided my mom would stay with me and it's not my problem if I don't have the deposit on their time frame. Sorry, but it is what it is.
I'm beginning to see how mom is such a worry freak. Kinda surprising to me. She has a lot of anxiety about stuff that I don't sweat about. It drives me a little batty. Maybe because I've been dealing with the big issues so often that the little stuff doesn't bother me as much. She's worried we won't be able to find a place to stay, but there are like three other cottages available. It will all work out.
I talked to my sister. I think we are all good. I need to get some things off my chest and I plan on doing so, nicely, on vacation. But, mainly I plan to have fun!!!! :-)
This morning was pretty cool. I found myself texting the forester, another nice man (knows the situation completely) from the dating site, my sis, my D19 and was receiving these emails from interested men on eharmony--all while I was writing my story. Fun!
I also worked out. I worked out hard. I'm feeling some motivation to look a lot better in these dating site pics. I see there is a better class of men I would like to attract.
And, my bookkeeper and I are working on the dissolution stuff this week. Not looking forward to it, but I'm doing it.
I suppose I will hear from Smokey this week.
I guess there was a part of me hoping he was interacting with me because he was...whatever. Expectations. I worked some anger out in my workout today. It helped. Strange thing...Yesterday, before the text, I was thinking how I was beginning to feel some forgiveness and hoping he would actually find some happiness. I just hurt for my kids. I hate for my kids to feel similar pain of the rejection--from their dad. And, I worry how this will impact D19 in her relationships with men. Smokey, on the surface, really hates her. He despises his daughter.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, and as life has a tendency to do...the tech writing stuff is the same stuff Smokey works with daily. I'm writing about the stuff/industry he has worked in for the past 20 years. Ironic? God? Strange coincidence? IDK.
Been hard not to text and say, Guess what?? I get it now! All that stuff you were trying to explain over the years and I was drifting off to sleep?? I get it!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
After posting on Brooklyn's thread, I just realized what I was hoping for yesterday with Smokey's text.
I've made all these changes and I'm so much further in detaching. I guess I was hoping the text was some sort of hidden message about his noticing/picking up on my detaching. Part of me was hoping that he was maybe missing me, missing the girls, realizing he was really losing all of us with his behavior.
Maybe it was silly assuming or expectations that are wayyy too high. IDK. I feel tears acknowledging it and, then, of course, there was the realization of how this disease/MLC/depression--whatever has such a hold on him that he is able to sacrifice the daughter we created and loved and adored. How? It's still a mystery to me. But, I'm not the only one in history to ask this same question. I know.
Going to take a bubble bath now.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm glad you were able to get some things done yesterday. I see where you get your anxiety from if your mother is the same way. You've got to step back and breathe when things get a bit too much.
As for your h hating your daughter...no, I don't believe that at all. Maybe he sees his reflection in her, i.e., in his younger days he may have been a lot like her. I have said it before on this forum that when they are depressed and mlcing, they tend to gravitate towards the child that will give them the less bit of trouble. Your oldest daughter has been on his case since day one and he can't deal w/that right now. Now, your youngest daughter is picking up some of that plain speak and he's eventually going to either stay less time or not come at all. They can't deal w/confrontation because it brings the guilt out in them and they hate it. They don't hate the people, they hate the confrontation and guilt. Again, no, he doesn't hate your oldest daughter. Until he thinks that she's settled down and will not "attack" him again verbally and w/attitude, he will avoid her. It may take years for them to heal the rift that this situation has caused or it may never happen at all...but it will depend upon the two of them to make it happen. I do believe in miracles and I do believe that at some point things will shift w/them.
All I can suggest is to pray on the subject and stay positive. Life does have a way of working things out in "her" own time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I sent an email this morning and asked Smokey to have his dad draw up the dissolution papers.
I asked for:
The ability to remain in the house for ten years at which point I will refinance/sell.
$1600:
$800 in spousal support for 10 years $800 in child support
Retirement is figured out by the courts
Visitation: I told him that I wasn't sure yet about this one. I needed to think on it. I did remind him that I asked for his feedback/discussion with the last visitation and he never responded.
I told him I would have an attorney look over the papers when they are ready.
I will have an attorney add stuff then in regards to visitation and whatever else I need to address.
I wasn't emotional at all. No lectures, pleas, thoughts on why/how/whatever.
It was short and businesslike.
And, I'm ok! I truly don't feel much of anything except some relief and hope that he will simply accept my requests and we can move forward.
I did tell him that I based the requests on my discussions with three attorneys.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This is just to get things started. I'm going to ask that I stay on health insurance for one year and both girls.
I mainly want to hear that his dad is still willing to put this together and I put the things I want the most on the table. I gave the high wants and lets see if he goes for 10 years and the high monthly amount.
His insurance is for sh!t right now, but I will tackle that next.
When H was referring to insurance for D19, in the weekend text, he was referring to car insurance which he handles. She rarely drives so it's not huge right now.
I will need to address health insurance, extra purchases like extracurriculars/clothing for kids, house maintenance, Smokey's things, etc... There's a lot to deal with, but I want to get these handled first.
I gave him the three major things to tackle...the biggies which I need firmed up first. Once he gives me the initial paperwork, I can have an attorney tweak and add things as far as visitation and otherwise.
He hasn't responded in any way so far. Not sure what this means? But, I'm not pushing. As far as I'm concerned I set the ball in motion. I did send a text to let him know I sent this email. "Sent you an email."
No response as per usual.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
