I initially couldn't hear my wife because I was depressed and obsessing over the death of my father and my sister. My father died right before we met, but it was a year long battle of him going on and off the brink of death. I don't think I ever recovered from that. Meeting my wife just gave me a temporary reprieve, but I never dealt with my feelings. I had 4 other friends and family die on me within a 2 year period of that.
When I started having problems with my job I think I started regressing again. Then when my sister died it really hit me hard. This happened not too much before when the W announced we were in trouble. Ironically when my W told me she was thinking about leaving and we needed counseling, that snapped me out of my downward spiral. That was one of the worst feelings I've had, to finally see how my depression was affecting my family. But that is one of the reasons I couldn't hear her. After that it took me a while to get into a good place, but she had no respect for me by then.
She even said that she went through depression too, but she pulled herself out of it on her own so she saw no reason why I couldn't. I know this isn't completely true, because I know her family and teachers intervened.
All of this pushed her away, and I think the natural reaction of anyone is to push back. By the time all of this came to a head 2 years ago we were no longer best friends. I created a vacuum that she filled with her friends. I've worked at improving my communication skills, but I don't think she even wants to consider being with me right now if ever. She still sees that guy that I was 2 years ago. She showed shock that I got a dog after she moved out. Why? Because the me of 2 years ago probably wouldn't have. Our marriage councilor was mystified as to why she was divorcing me when she admitted that I had become a better parenting partner, and that my mood had improved. As my therapist put it, she has her defenses up.
I will say that her getting a laptop didn't help. Even when she got her first laptop years ago all she would do is sit on the couch and browse the web. I think technology has not helped marriages, but I also think that things like that may be just a symptom of bigger issues.
I guess one of the reasons I've always felt a little hopeless is that I don't feel like I can compete with her friends. They're good times, I'm bad times. Of course now I hardly see her so what do you do? All I can do now is GAL and try to move on I guess.
