Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

Thanks, all, for your advice! Still not sure what I'll do, we'll see how I feel and how it all works out timing-wise tomorrow.

25 - yes, I can tell this has been hard on H's family. H's mom and both SILs have messaged me/reached out to ask how I'm doing, that they think of me often, etc. H's older SIL (who is married w/ children) went so far as to say "we're worried that he's treating you like sh*t during this". She asked how long we've been "working on things" because she believes D is a last resort, and was unhappy to hear that we haven't actually been working on anything since H's BD came out of the blue with no opportunity for "work". She also said she'd be listening ear for either one of us, but that H has not reached out to her and that it was too bad he hadn't, as she would like to tell him marriage isn't all butterflies and rainbows, etc. I've done my best to stay out of it and just respond with basic things like "I'm glad to hear you're thinking of me, thank you, I'm doing OK all things considered".

H's relationship with his mom... hmm. Well, he doesn't talk to her on the phone multiple times a week like his SILs do, so they're not really close emotionally. However, she devotes her life to taking care of her kids/grandkids and H especially as the only boy. Throughout college and when he moved back home for awhile afterwards she'd continue to schedule appointments for him, make him dinner every night, etc. A couple of months ago we bought a snowblower but it wouldn't fit in the car. I suggested we rent a uhaul or borrow a friend's truck in town, he instead called his mom and asked her if she'd come to our city and bring her van just to help get it to our house. She lives an hour away! The reason she's actually coming tomorrow is to bring him things he's certainly capable of buying himself but that she thought he might like (like girl scout cookies). She'll mail him coupons that he doesn't know what to do with. She'll give him food to make "her chili" which again he's capable of buying. She coddles him and he's not very thankful, like he just expects it. For example, w/ the snowblower, he blew up at her about something with how it was loaded in the van, when he should have been grateful she was even willing to make a special trip to do that. During BD he told me how he wished I would be more like his mother... which I take to mean cooking all his meals, making phone calls for him, etc. Though I don't think he'd be attracted to someone who mothers him?

Re: them and the situation, H did say after he told her about his "decision" that she said something about how it was important he be happy and that she didn't want him to end up like her/her M. She apparently told H that she was just waiting for his dad to die and maybe then she could be happy and find someone else. They're just married for convenience. I imagine this somehow plays into everything H is thinking about... though I think we have the capacity to actually DO something about it if we found ourselves falling into "convenience." H's view is very pessimistic and rigid - people can't change, nothing will change, if it does it will only be for a little while and we'll just find ourselves in the same place 5 years from now. I think I am capable of change. But maybe he doesn't have the capability or interest. Whatever grass is greener elsewhere isn't going to be magically easier!