I came out of yoga this afternoon, feeling kind of emotional as I usually do (it's weird, it's not necessarily sad, just emotions come out!), and I was thinking about some stuff about my H.
Like how he insists on vilifying me in any way he can. And I realized, he has done that for years. Instead of listening to me and taking my word for what I say, he would decide that what I really was saying/thinking/doing was something evil and offensive to him. And many times he would even argue his point, to prove that he was right and I was wrong.
So as I drove home from yoga, I thought, WOW. I deserve better than that. You know what? I am a really f-ing nice person. I do things for other people all the time. I am honest. I am reliable. I am considerate. Surely there is someone who would appreciate those qualities in me rather than trying to deny them.
Anyway. Then I got home and read your posts . . . and first I read Wonka's and 25's, and I imagined donning my helmet and dodging rotten tomatoes, and I laughed, and then I read 3b's post and I just bawled.
You know what, 3? You are right! I am changing things. And even though I am sad that I am in this place, because of course I would have preferred that my H wanted to work on the M rather than getting D, I DO feel proud of myself for having gotten here. I know there is still a LONG way to go, but I feel like in the past week or so (after my week from hell where everyone who read my posts wanted to institutionalize me), I have really grown a lot.
Yay me.
I went this afternoon to look for a new car . . . I actually laughed out loud thinking it was a good thing that H wasn't there since he can't negotiate his way out of a paper bag (and always made it seem like me being a shrewd negotiator was a bad thing, like I was a bitch or something). Then I saw a couple looking at cars and it made me feel sad. Just to have that person you can make these decisions with, and just be around and feel comfortable, not to mention, having that future where they will own the car together . . . I bet you all know that feeling I am talking about. It just kind of svcks.
I wish we could post a poll here . . . I am seriously swinging back and forth between getting a convertible (oh, the sun on my shoulders, the wind in my hair!), or staying in an SUV (oh, the trunk space and rear windshield wiper!)
I may have to flip a coin.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
