I know there is pain inside of me. I've been burying it with activities. I am having a trust issue. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I've had it since my first boyfriend, then my dad's cheating, and now this breach of trust after so many years.
I'm a wounded bird , but refuse to let it keep me from others. I just don't know if I will ever be whole. There are lots of sweet men, and those that are seeking connection. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to completely give of myself again.
To allow myself true vulnerability, to roll on my back and expose myself.
There is a part that wants to so badly, and NO I do not want to wait and see. I have so much life to live and while I'm healthy, ambulatory, and within my faculties, I don't wish to postpone what I would do anyway!
Physically I feel pretty awesome, I met my goal weight. 50lbs down! My bloodwork is all good, next will be mammogram, pap, and colonoscopy. I figure get 'em done before the possibility of being off of insurance.
I got several sweet texts yesterday. Three from very different men. And I just met another, he is in Africa for a few more months. Which is good. You cannot rush anything from THAT distance, HA!
I have noticed many our age, seek intimacy quickly. I believe it is because we know what it was like to have that connection. To make that eye contact, feel that soft stroke, and the stirring of our loins. We know that man was not meant to be alone, and that physical touch is not only sexual, but spiritual as well.
Still working on me, healing, and allowing someone to touch me, my heart.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
It's Friday night and that means Swing Dance for me! I am looking forward to practicing the new moves we learned this week and just letting go!
I do not believe I'd have come this far without dance, and gym. For you out there that are just beginning this journey and feeling like staying in fetal position, STOP! Get online and find a good group dance instructors! Get your fannies into a gym, start to move!
The endorphins, the exercise, helps so much with depression, sleeplessness, pain, and your self-esteem.
You will have less and less down days in the future, you will feel better about yourself!
I'm sending you all hugs from someone who still cycles, but they are few and far between now!
Love yourself, do not let what your spouse said or did, define you! It is only their perception, you are in charge of your destiny and the better you feel, the better you look, the better you are!
Find something that has you passionate and pursue this! Allow it to consume you, and allow yourself the pleasure you deserve.
I'm sending all of you hugs!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I forgot to mention that H. was rereading ten emails on Friday around one o'clock!
It unnerved me a bit seeing that he was doing so. I haven't thought about him, and it forced me too. I'm at a place where I don't want him back. Too much lack of trust issues, don't want to sleep with him, and I've lost respect.
Not a good combination.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Today was an emotional day... Someone I wanted to see did not occur. I have mixed emotions about that.
I decided to get out of the house , go treat my daughter to a crepe and conversation.
She is devastated. My H. took out the girl's for my oldest daughter's b-day.
While at the table he was texting back and forth with Julie in front of the girl's.
He then lied to them and said he was texting their Uncle.
My youngest daughter called him on the lie, and instead of apologizing he laughed it off. He also referred to me by my name to them, instead of your mom or mother.
This disturbed her a great deal and she was in tears to me on the phone. I really don't care who he is seeing or what he is doing anymore, but the insensitivity and careless disregard of our daughter's is heart breaking.
I hurt and it crushes me to hear the pain in my daughter's voice, the sadness she really did not have to be exposed. I hurt deeply because she hurts.
I need hugs , and a good cry.
My daughter also told me he opened another account as well.
I don't understand what is going on, he is still paying on the house and bills, putting money in the account, putting money in our daughter's account, and recently went on a Florida trip. He is obviously in a relationship with Julie... Why doesn't he just file?
What is holding him back? I just don't get this whole fantasy.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Ambivalent, What's going on? It's MLC and some file quickly and others drag their feet until you, the LBS rock the boat. Evidently he is comfortable w/the way things are right now and he also knows that he would have to pay out big time to you if a divorce should go thru. So, why file if things are going along status quo for him? You certainly are leaving him alone and not making any demands on him and he's okay w/things like that.
Evidently he's got more money than he's let on to you if he went down to Florida and has opened a new account.
As for your daughters, I'm sorry that his empathy chip is broken and lied to them...but they are going to need to toughen up their outer skin because it will only get worse long before it gets better.
You might want to rummage around in the archives and read up on some of the antics of the MLCer. What he's doing is very normal for those who like to drag their heels and enjoy life as they know it while the spouse is scrimping and trying to make ends meet at their end.
Bottom line, I don't think he's going to push the divorce unless you rock the boat and he may be one of those that doesn't want to come off looking like the bad guy here and wants to be portrayed as the "victim" because you filed.
I'm sorry about the fact that you didn't see that "someone" today...but maybe it's for the best because of the news you received today from your daughter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Exactly! Keep your expectations at zero at all times so that you aren't disappointed w/others.
Try to enjoy your week. Another chance for snow is in the forecast for Tuesday/Wednesday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
