Unlearning Conflict Avoidance - 9

[sandi2]

You said your W and D are together constantly. I just bet it won't be a total shock to your D to know the M has desolved. She may be concerned that you won't be involved in her life after the divorce. That is another reason I want to encourage you to do whatever is necessary to have one on one time with her. She needs reassuring, and she may have questions she wants only to ask you. Her mother will never take the place of you.

There is never a good time to tell the kids that their parents are getting a D. I understand how you don't want her school term affected by hearing about the D. She could resent you placing too high of importance on good grades, if she knew that was why you were not being open about the situation. I have known some girls who would have thought the father was more concerned that she received good grades more than her feelings. (I know that isn't what you mean, but it is how some kids would interpret it.) Have you ever thought that she might appreciate the fact you told her what was going to happen? Have you thought how she would feel if you talked heart to heart with her about how this was not your decision? Don't you think it would be important to her to know the truth from your viewpoint? Otherwise, she only gets her mother's side of the story, and she derserves to hear from you. Don't take for granted that she knows how you feel, Luke

I believe you need to tell your son, also. He needs to be told man to man.......father to son.

What do I do to not hide from my d? I know what not to do (sit at my PC).

I'm not sure if you are answering your own question here or what, but if you are choosing computer time over time with your daughter, then I agree. But to answer your question a little further, did you take my suggestion about stopping by her room before bedtime, to say goodnight and see what her plans are for the next day? Which really is just giving an opportunity for her to talk to you.

When I was growing up, my mother had me dry the dishes as she washed them. I didn't always want to, but I didn't have a choice about it. Do you have any idea how valuable those times between us became? We used that time to talked about everything! For some reason, my mother did not do the same with my younger sister. To this day my sister says she doesn't know how to talk to Mother, and they have never been as close. I tell her it's b/c she was never made to dry the dishes.

I don't know if you see the point in what I shared, but I believe parents have to give the opportunity for the bonding experience with their child. That's why I offered suggestions about doing things together. In my case, I didn't particularly "like" putting the dishes away, but it was a shared chore my mother and I did every evening. Through our daily talks, my mother taught me about many things...and I shared with her my thoughts and feelings about whatever I had experienced that day. I feel my sister missed out. However, she and our father would go fishing together and they had bonding time. You just have to present the opportunity. How can either of you talk to each other if you don't have the opportunity?

As I watch a lot of young families rush around going from one kid's activity to the next.....I am wondering if they ever have a quite moment to spend one on one with that child. To me, that is about the most important acttion we can take as parents. But it does take action, Luke.