W said its over - Said I can't change her mind

[Duds3]

After reading the whole thread, I mostly agree with this^^. The hesitation I feel is b/c I think you have a problem you are glossing over, and you'll probably have it again in your next R if you don't work on it.

You sound controlling and you DID get "physical" with her, at least twice. You don't have to slug a woman in the face to be abusive. If you use your strength to constrain her, it's NOT okay.

Having said that, I also feel she was not ready for marriage and the LAST THING ON EARTH YOU should do, is discuss having children with her.

As our M began in Sept., up until Jan we were trying to have kids. We were both all about it. She even had her cycle of days mapped out and our sex on those days was multiple times. We never had an issue with sex. As my MC told me. "I cant understand her all or nothing feelings."

BTW, why'd your first m end? Did you feel you learned anything from that divorce? If so, what?

My first M ended over relationship differences. She wanted kids, I didn't, she wanted to purchase a house and settle down, I didn't. She wanted to move closer to her family and become more permanent in our jobs, I didn't. In my profession people change jobs almost yearly, its just the nature of the business to keep moving up the ladder. As our marriage was ending I met my current W. I feel like this karma coming at me. I had checked out of my first M and my first W was asking to try different things to fix the M and I had no interest. Now the tables are practically turned and the situations reversed. I'm the one attempting to fix things and my current W has no desire and seems to be checked out completely.

We had been dating since college and had our fair share of issues then. We both cheated, broke off the relationship a few times and our differences. We both felt it was the next thing to do to get married and we moved forward. As my first W told me, we shouldn't have got M and we both knew it.

My first M I was selfish and only worried about me, not us. In my current M I was the selfless one and tried to maintain that aspect. I always thought of her first but struggled with that when my job beat me down. Its not an excuse but my job beat me and I lost my W because of it for two months, hopefully just not forever.

I have NC with her. We have talked once in 2 weeks. I have printed Sandi's rules and are following.

I have looked at some new places to live closer to my job but I feel a great sense of resentment, guilt, frustration, nervousness and anger toward my W. I just feel like these are issues that can be fixed but she is choosing to be close minded and put up a wall around her heart.

And why does she keep telling me, "I don't have a lawyer." And she has never told me or said the D word. Only gave me the ILYBNILY speak and told me she doesn't want to be with me and cant be with me. I'm not going to be the one who initiates the D if it comes to that. Is it necessary to get a lawyer? My first D we never had attorneys.

I also feel like if she didn't have one of her best friends to live with and to distract her from the situation things would be different. How will she miss me, if she has someone there to distract her?