I really don't understand why telling her I know what she is doing is so wrong. What am I missing. How is everyone saying to be quite and just accept the fact she's lying and sneaking around. The boys see it too. they are not stupid. They ask me what's going on and where mom is. What time is she coming home. Why did mom come home last night etc. Now I'm the one here making up stories for her, lying to my boys for her. I'm sorry I must be missing something here
Do I understand this right? She has filed, and you have a PI getting information....per your lawyer's advice?
So, from what I interpret from what you have said about wanting to confront her, you just want her to know that YOU KNOW. Correct?
Again, I am not saying it is wrong to confront the WAS about their action. What I am saying is that the confrontation in itself really does not accomplish anything other than letting her know she has been caught. If you have a PI gathering information to use......why would you alert her? As I told you before, she will be more careful about covering her activities.
Confrontation in itself is shooting yourself in the foot. Just wanting her to know that you know what she's doing is about your ego! You don't want her thinking she has pulled a fast one over you. But if you follow your lawyer's advice, then everything will come out eventually. What is your goal besides just telling her you know?
If you are building a case to file for total child custody, then let her hang herself.
I would not lie to the boys about why their mom is not there. Let her handle their questions about her whereabouts. As you have said, they are not stupid.
You ask what are you missing here. IMO, you are missing the point there there is no solution in the confrontation itself. Now there are other programs that teaches exposure. They teach that is the only way to deal with a WAS in an affair. They will give you a plan how to carry it out. But this program is Divorce Busting. It is not called Affair Busting.
That is why you need to know what your real goal is. Do you want to expose the affair? Do you want full custody of your sons? Or is it just eating away at you that she's getting away with her wayward lifestyle, while you are left to take care of the home and kids?
I ask you again......what do you expect to happen when you tell her you know? If your boys are truly the concern here, then I would think you would express to her that both of you need to sit down with them as SHE tells them the ttruth. You can tell her that you will no longer cover for her. I mean, a confrontation needs to be a doorway to solving a problem. You can state your boundaries. You can even give ultimatums. It's up to you what you do. But just announcing that you know about the affair and it stinks.......and leaving it there..........what does it accomplish other than soothing your ego temporarily? You may get a couple of seconds of a surprised look on her face, and that's all.........if you don't have more to add.
Usually, a confrontation is with the hope and intent of getting to the truth and discussing where to go from that point forward. The LBS can state his boundaries, etc. but he is really hoping the WAS will have a change of heart. If she is not willing to stop the A and work on the M, what have you really accomplished other than showing your hand? You are going to let her know that you know about what she's doing..........and then what? Continue to live under the same roof while she continues doing whatever she chooses? Tell her you have a PI, so she can get a stronger case against you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
