Unlearning Conflict Avoidance - 9

[25yearsmlc]

Mr. Bond,

I did suggest going to the movie to d15 - simply asked if she was interested, and she was.

W is continually with d15 just now (this is sport break vacation week) - I need to find a time when W is alone and then talk.


Well, actually Luke, you need to MAKE the time.

Your w will might even be glad you did, but even if not, so what? How can it get worse than her leaving and blaming you, as is happening now, with your passivity. Don't confuse passivity with pacifism.

Maybe It's just easier to sit and watch life go by, than to steer it yourself. But you have spent 10 YEARS here in this mostly loveless M.

And now, within weeks of her leaving you AND taking your d,

you are thinking about what you want to say...

Stop waiting to "find" the time. That's like hoping you "find happiness."

But you and I both know it's up to US, TO MAKE OUR LIVES HAPPY.



The points I want to make are:

L, I'm trying hard to sound less cranky than I intend. But to be clear, you have NOT told her these (see below) things before, in the 10 years since she kicked you out of the bedroom?

And Or any of the times she'd bring up how SHE plans to leave AND Divorce you, as soon as D turns 16...

at which point you said...what? Nothing? I promise not to screw my head in the ceiling but I do think it's important to know.

o D is lousy, and I would rather repair our M, but given how bad things have been and are, it makes sense

as long as you stress the bold^^^, I'd say okay.

That is not for you to be a jerk about it, but to show your w that YOU do Not want the marriage, as it is. Which is true, right?

If you say you want to stay m, in THIS marriage, your wife and d will lose whatever respect might remain. Luke, you are in an abusive toxic situation and that's a terrible legacy for your children.
I rarely think divorce is "good" for kids, unless there is physical abuse or something really weird.

So Sorry to say this, L. But your m qualifies for this^^...I am concerned for your d's views on marriage and men. And for your son's role model of boundary setting I have to wonder, how will HE set or enforce a boundary in HIS love life? OR will he become super controlling to avoid being in the same situation?
You know my kids were affected by our situation here, (and we reconciled!)

I really believe that Your d is Not benefitting by seeing what your w does to you or how you fear...and fear...and I feel the same about your son. I'm so sorry.


o we are both the kids parents, so share them 50/50 time-wise

I hope this^^^ happens. It would be a lot easier if you felt more relaxed around your d.
(Have you ever taken anti depressants or anti anxiety meds? I ask b/c I think you are totally appropriate around people in this country, but with your family, the things you say here indicate an underlying "condition"-- I can't wrap my head around.

How to tell your d how much she means to you can be done in several ways.

If there is something like a sport or instrument she plays well, and you hear/watch it, then tell her right in the moment that her playing is "another thing you love about her"...and you can do the same about spending time together. Like after the movie when you two discuss it, TELL Her how it feels for you to interact with her that way. (e.g., "D, I love your insights/humor/passion, it's one of my favorite things about you")

OR make the time to tell her if it does not come up (I mean, we're talking 2 minutes!)

You can say "I just wanted you to know that your happiness is THE priority to me."

(b/c how can I be happy when I see you being so sad??)

AND OR "I love you very much and wanted you to know how incredibly proud I am of how you handled--- 'X' & 'Y'...."

OR whatever seems authentic to you.

o we move in the summer and tell them just after school ends

The sooner you tell your w this, the more likely it can be realized.

Otherwise your w is taking your d and leaving pretty soon. She has no obstacle in her way b/c to HER, it's clear you don't want to work on the m.

After all, She has "warned" you many times and she has "informed" you of what will happen to your family, for years.

And in response, I think what you have "done" is that you have silently "pondered" it...

(I don't want to be unfair or unkind to you Luke. But that's how I see it. Please tell me if I am missing something).

so, Luke, don't be surprised if you have waited too long for it to make any difference (though having said it late, is better than never having said it at all).

Just Don't then make the claim that you "expressed myself and it did not work!", b/c it's not fair. Or accurate.

Communication that is delayed, is still really poor communication.

o we do this together.

Well... we can all hope. But how will that look to you? I mean, tell me your vision of what "doing it together" means, please.

o the kids are number 1.

Luke

She won't admit that the kids are Not number 1. She may not care if they are,

but I think it's far more likely she has convinced herself that she IS doing right by them.

Be ready to reply to that comment when she makes it, Luke.