Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[Barrybran]

You did read that my wife is impulsive right? :p I get your point and I'll try it out though.

Speaking of impulsive, we all had a laugh last night because the topic of my brother's wedding came up last night. Recently I discovered that it will cost $4000 just to fly my family there and back. I could cheapen it up but it's still expensive and we still need to pay for accommodation, a rental car, food and entertainment for while we're there. It's going to be an expensive trip. My wife made a comment last night that we should book the flights. I made a joke that she doesn't even know what she wants for dinner when I ask at 4:30pm. My parents saw the funny side of this but my wife was serious. Looks like I'll be looking at flights over the next few weeks.

I found out last night that I have the house to myself next week. I'm not sure to what extent this is true as my wife has a ball to go to on one of the evenings but as far as I'm aware she hasn't made any other plans so I assume she'd be home for much of the weekend, particularly overnight. My kids will be staying with family friends and my parents will be departing sometime next week.

Either way, I'm thinking of taking off to the next major town by myself. I want look for some second hand chairs and rose bushes for the garden so I can get into both projects.

[Barrybran]

I'm six days through a seven day stint at work. I feel good and I'm looking forward to my days off on Monday and Tuesday. Today, my wife went to a horse racing meet in town with friends. She had been looking forward to it and bought a new dress for the occasion. She doesn't care what I think but she looks amazing in it. She left while I was work today so I haven't seen her at all today and my parents looked after the kids. Like a couple of weeks ago, I'd love to have seen the 'finished product' of how she looked today but we're not in a position for that right now.

After work the kids badgered me to take them to the park. Apparently they asked my wife and she told them to ask me when I got home. I can tell when my kids are lying and telling the truth and it was a very 'my wife' thing to say (not a dig; I just know my wife) so I believed them. I was going to take them yesterday but it never happened so today I made no promises. The kids were too far into their cartoons so I let them go and wrote the park idea off. I gathered a shopping list together, announced my plans and all of a sudden I had three kids who finished their afternoon tea, got dressed and had shoes on to go out. As we were heading to the shops they asked to go to the park again and I figured why not. They enjoyed themselves and I enjoyed seeing them have fun and being out of the house myself. It got me thinking about the possibility of living on my own away from my wife and that I would be ok with it though I'd rather work if out and stay with her.

After we got home we had dinner without my wife and the kids were more interested in spending time with my parents. I'm over my parents being here so my wife and I have been spending our evenings in the other living area and that resulted in some alone time tonight which was nice but I didn't know what to do with myself as I was tired and there was nothing I wanted to do or watch on tv.

I'm taking an early night tonight as my wife isn't home and I can read some more DR. She told me a couple of weeks ago she wouldn't be home tonight but that was before I got my job and she hasn't brought it up since. I don't know what her plans are but I leave the house for work before 7am and my kids will definitely be up and about by 7:30am. Needless to say, if my wife isn't here I'll have confused kids and a pissed off mother since she'll have to wake up and sort them out. We'll see what happens.

Either way, my wife is out having fun and I'm appreciating that that's a good thing for her and us, even if 'us' isn't on her mind right now. My mind did wander a couple of times but I instantly pick it up now and I'm able to shut it down. I would like her to come home tonight but for the kids and to not put my mum out. I am looking forward to having a bed to myself though as I've felt awkward climbing into our bed with my wife there of late.

[Lostforwords]

You did tell her she looks amazing in the dress right?

You will live no matter how things turn out B.....That is a big thing with DB, you get to make that realization without a soul filled with anger, hate, shame, etc.

You are in a good place B....Time is your friend and your are gal'ing inside your value system. So keep it up.

The trip sounds excellent as you sound a bit of a garden fanatic.....I vote for yellow roses, but that is just because I have an awesome yellow rose bush in front of my house LOL.

[Barrybran]

I told her when she tried it on the day she received it but she was walking past me on the way to show my parents at the time. I didn't see her at all yesterday and she didn't send me a pic so there was no opportunity yesterday. She wound up coming home before midnight and between her being drunk and me being dead tired I wasn't really in a noticing mood :p

I'm not a garden fanatic but we live in a rental and our gardens have been in terrible shape since we've been here. I need to get them back in order and I'd like to do it properly. My parents suggested getting 'Double Delight' as it was the rose that was in my grandfather's room in hospital just before he passed away as well as being a beautiful two-tone rose with a great smell. At this point I'd be happy with any roses but I want to head to the next town and see if there are any better nurseries than what we have here and try and find something nice.

[Barrybran]

I did write on a piece of paper "have an awesome day" before I left for work and when she posted a pic of her and her friends I casually commented "nice. Have you got a full length shot?" I didn't get a response to either but I wasn't expecting to.

She wound up texting me when she was ready to come home but I was already asleep and I only got the message as she was walking in the front door.

[Lostforwords]

It is definitely hard to find a good nursery and living in the boondocks town must make it harder.

Things happen....texts missed. As long as she had fun.

Or I can say the male thing...The nicest woman's clothing is on the floor LOL. Just joking, but keep your head up B.

[Barrybran]

Yeah, I'll get to handle and admire it when I get to wash it lol. DR has been an interesting read so far. I'm only up to step four but big thing I'm taking from it is that it's Ok to be me. That night sound odd but in many threads I've seen people say to other people that you have to do this or be that person and I've felt conflicted by some things that have been suggested to me. It's kind of helping me to define me, accept me for who I am while noting what my wife is looking for and coming up with a strategy for how my wife and I will fit together for who we are rather than who we want the other to be.

Tonight I get to think about when my wife is approachable. That'll be fun :p

[Lostforwords]

ROFLMAO....as long as you don't try it on.

IT is a lot about finding you, finding your faults, etc. Being you....but as exampled on a lot of people's post on here, many people lose themselves to a codependent marriage. So once the marriage falls apart they need to refind what they were originally, Setting the tone for an interdependent marriage.

Now us vets....we push you a little bit farther. Like we both agree you are kind of an introvert who likes just kicking around house taking care of the kids and such. That isn't a bad thing....But I have also pushed you a little bit to be more social. Not because I want you to change, but more to open your eyes to something. Some times the changes is embraced...sometimes not, but the key is you worked on something new. Opened and closed a potential horizon.

Now most of my posting is in the midlife crisis board. There it goes even further (MLC can take years) as we push into defining values and principles of an individual. Now all the posters I have known through the years on that board....almost all of them come out of it a changed person. How they live and see life has changed dramatically. The focus is on being the person you want to be....and working towards being better at it everyday.

Does that make sense?

[Barrybran]

Yeah it makes a lot of sense.

[Barrybran]

There's a lot to say about a positive mental attitude. I've just got home from work to find my wife's car absent. She finished work half an hour before me so I figured she'd gone to a friend's place. I get inside and my wife is there so I thought my Dad must have taken the car. It turns out I forgot that family friends were taking our kids for the afternoon and they needed the car.

My wife asks how much fuel I had in my car. I filled it up on the way home from work and told her it was full. I asked why and she said she had to drive some wedding supplies and hour and a bit out of town this afternoon. If forgotten about this too but she was relieved it was full. I help her load the car and ask her about work (and not yesterday's outing) and she doesn't shut me down but I sense she's tired so I leave it. She gets changed in front of me which is a positive for me in that she doesn't feel she has to hide away and while I appreciate my wife's body I just carry on the conversation as if nothing is out of the ordinary. She asks me some questions and my opinion about some of the wedding supplies and she heads off to the car. I ask her how she feels and she says she has a slight headache bit she'd been drinking water all day so I ask that she texts me when she reaches her destination, not to pry but to ensure she's safe. My Dad brought my brother and I up this way and I've kept up with it with my wife. She agrees and tells me to make whatever I want for dinner and that we have plenty of meat in the freezer. No asking what she wants today. No "I don't know".

It's a stock standard interaction between most couples but something we've all missed out on prior to coming to this site. Three months ago this interaction would have been very different and I feel so much better that it's water off a duck's back now. I still have my moments like when my mind wandered last night but I can think and respond better. I can also pick up on positives such as my wife undressing in front of me and not feel despondent because I didn't get a hug or kiss as she left the house. In other words, I can appreciate the baby step.