I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

I agree with what both of you have said, lol. I do. I mean like I said there was that hit to my ego. To my feeling like was loved. That feeling of security in my life. As bad as I feel that I did that with the OW, there is a part of me that did get something from that. I stopped it, I have not pursued anything more with her. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, maybe is was an overwhelming desire to feel loved. Afterwards I did feel a renewed since of confidence in myself. I took that, and it has give me some strength still. I guess to know that I am not crazy. Not crazy to think my W is crazy for giving up. LOL.

..You end up not fixing your problems, but just convincing yourself that since OW find you attractive, your W was the one that was wrong and you're just fine the way you are...

I agree and see the truth in what you say A.S.. I saw pretty quick after that I am still in a couple state of mind. I am not Me, the independent person, I am me, the partner. All those habits and desire to care take, are still there. I have not gotten to the point where I have really completed a change. I feel like I am making progress. I do think it helped doing that with the OW, but not to go from one W right into another R. I know I am not ready for that. Talk about being the one bringing baggage, lol.

It is also the cliché, of being lonely, maybe vulnerable. If I had been more clear or strong at that time, I might have seen ahead what the negatives would be. Like I said, there were positives, but also negatives. I am trying to build myself back up. In my OP right now, there is no harm in flirting, but not letting it go further right now. I come from a family of all woman, and I do feed off a woman's affection. So far, I really do feel like it has given me hope and motivation. That whatever happens, I will be alright.

LFC, man, isn't that the truth! IDK, maybe. I mean I try to believe there is a reason for everything. Its hard to see right now because the wounds are fresh, the pain is real. At the same time, the past 11 years of M, were overall great. To me they were. I mean just as far as the intensity of loving someone that way. I had never felt that way before. I have to be happy that I did experience that. Of course I still do love her so strongly, but who knows how this will play out. If anything, it makes me know how great it can be. That I can feel that again, and want to, because I know what it felt like to be so in love. When I met my W I was so done with being single, and all the games of dating. I was just done, and then I met her. What is my end game? I want to get back to that place, of real love. I have no idea how long it will take, or if I ever will find that place again. BUT, this is one of those times I am bringing myself back to right this moment. What am I going to do right now?

-------------------------------

Today, instead of breaking this post up into two, I just need a quick vent.

She came home last night, I did not leave a note for her as I would have in the past. When I got home, she was awake. She said hi, asked how work went. Asked me if I wanted to hear the latest, (a comment that made me nervous) Sure I said. She said her brothers GF was preg. Which is relative new R. I just said wow that's crazy in a very matter of fact way. I kept moving, getting settled from work, started making myself dinner, and greeting our dogs. Who are always excited to see me. She asked how my back was, from the tattoo. I said it was fine. She asked a few other things, to which I maintained the same matter of fact, although upbeat tone, answers. I asked if she worked that day, she had, asked how it went, she said good. I left it at that and went upstairs while dinner cooked. Came back down, started eating. Normally I would of asked if she wanted some, or offer her what's left. I did not. I just did my own thing. While I ate she went in the kitchen and made some kraft.

OK, so far so good. There was a moment, as I was about to take our big dog out. I looked over at her in the kitchen. She was cooking and not facing me. I felt my heart sink. Standing there in her PJ's, I felt sadness coming on. I mean there is the woman I love, she looked beautiful. I felt the desire to just go hold her in my arms. To tell her I love her. Wondering if she would see that I was looking or care. It was a little overwhelming. Now this in reality was probably just a few seconds, but it felt longer.

I quickly ducked outside, had to get out to avoid her seeing me looking, and from doing something stupid. When I came back, she told me the bathroom looked really nice. This I think I said before was one of her rooms to clean, but had become like a second hamper for her clothes. Strewn over the dryer and in front of it. She also had not been cleaning it. I took all her clothes out and put it in her room, and cleaned the bathroom. It felt good to do this. I mean I like a clean bathroom, and it just felt a little liberating I guess.

Anyway, I thanked her, and said it just needed to be done. It was getting pretty gross, and that I was not all the way done with it. Then I walked off. About an hour later, I was watching tv, she walked by saying she was going to bed, I said ok. This morning, she was up, and she asked me if I knew about some news story, I said I hadn't, and continued to drink my coffee, and go through FB.

She said good by when she went to work. She will be back tonight. It IS getting harder when she is here. I made it through the night, which was hard because she acts like nothing is happening. I just don't get that. It feels cold, and disrespectful that she acts this way. Not acknowledging the pain she has and is causing me. I don't show that, but when I am alone, I think that. I cant really see signs of change (which there may be none) because of the way she acts now towards me. She is so fake, she must be, because who acts like this?? LOL.

I have been doing very good about not snooping, and I am happy about that. I have had the urge many times. But have resisted. Every time I feel it, I do something else. Come here, FB, clean, chat, put on a movie, read, or write. Anything to give me pause. I am trying to stay in the here and now, not the past, not the future, but here and now. I have my goals, and that is what I can do now. SO, hoping the next 24-48hrs goes well. Taking a deep breath. Telling myself I can do this. One thing at a time.
_________________________