Yes I am hurt and I agree it is her choice to have a new relationship. but I still feel the need to tell her I know what she is doing. Not out of anger but out of love.
What does this mean?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
That I'm not going to attack her about it. That I'm not going to be angry, bitter or start any name calling.
I want to calmly tell her that I know what she is doing. How I think it $ucks for everyone with all the lying and sneaking around. I know it her choice and nothing I say will change that.
I really don't understand why telling her I know what she is doing is so wrong. What am I missing. How is everyone saying to be quite and just accept the fact she's lying and sneaking around. The boys see it too. they are not stupid. They ask me what's going on and where mom is. What time is she coming home. Why did mom come home last night etc. Now I'm the one here making up stories for her, lying to my boys for her. I'm sorry I must be missing something here
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
I get where you are coming from with you think what she is doing is wrong.
Problem is your W does not see what she is doing as wrong. She sees it as starting again and ridding herself of what she perceives is blocking her being happy(YOU and, possibly but I hope not, the kids).
This is her journey and you must, if you want to possibly R, let her complete this.
It takes mega patience and self control but if you want to do everything possible for your M then that is what is going to take.
When you start thinking about your W and OM just stop and go somewhere in your mind where you would be happy. A beach, maybe the woods, wherever you need to go to bring some happiness to your mind. If you don't this is going to eat you up man!
Also, it is quite possible that your W is not as happy as you are making it out to be. She is just filling a need that she feels you weren't.
Stop lying to your kids about what she is doing. Notice I didn't say tell them what she doing either.
This is tough for me because I have no kids hence, no experience with an issue like this.
If they want to ask their Mother questions it is there right but do not IMHO, push them to ask her questions that will be bad and will only be turned on you.
Maybe someone will be able to address this part better than me.
Most A do come to an end eventually. It takes 6-9 months for OP true colors to reasonate to the WAS.
If and when this happens, YOU need to be the stronger "new" man that only a fool would leave.
Work on yourself during this time to get to that point. You wont regret it either way I promise you.
Right now even though you are not confronting your wife about A or R or D. I suspect that your body language is conveying a very hurt and frustrated man. This is looked upon by your W as weakness. I understand why you feel that way. We all feel that way. We as LBH have to try our hardest to present a PMA. If we keep doing this eventually it will show in our body language and the image we project to our WAW and also others.
We are all behind you in whatever you decide to do just make sure it is well thought out and exactly what YOU want to do. Do not allow your emotions to get the best you.
Keep hanging on!!
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Count how many times you wrote 'I' or 'she needs to...'.
You're not that morality police. SHE doesn't need to do anything. You're trying to force her to accept and 'see' YOUR reality. All this isn't going to get her back or even want to be friends with you. And in the end your kids will suffer.
What do you think is going to happen when you throw the PI's evidence in her face? I'm sure she's going to fall madly back into love with you and give you everything you want.
"Yes I am hurt and I agree it is her choice to have a new relationship. but I still feel the need to tell her I know what she is doing. Not out of anger but out of love.
Mrbond. I do feel out of control and Maybe I am wrong here. But It sure doesn't feel wrong for wanting to say something."
You've already said stuff to her. Right now you're going beyond that to PROVE to her that SHE is wrong.
" As I've said before she is not a horrible monster, person or mother."
Funny. It didn't seem to come across like that last night.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I cannot overemphasize to you how confronting will be a setback, even if you go into it with the best intentions. I tried to tell my WAW that she would never be at peace with herself and get off the sleeping pills and anti-depressants until she broke off with OM. Now while that may seem true to any rational person, the response I got was that I was the cause of those problems. She is more convinced now than ever. So you see, WAW has a different perspective. She'll be just fine as soon as she gets rid of YOU. You and all your moralizing. The best thing you can do is give her space and stop pressuring her. I know it doesn't seem like it will help, because she is still "behaving badly" in your opinion, but at least it won't drive her further away. Detach. Shift your focus to you.
I really don't understand why telling her I know what she is doing is so wrong. What am I missing. How is everyone saying to be quite and just accept the fact she's lying and sneaking around. The boys see it too. they are not stupid. They ask me what's going on and where mom is. What time is she coming home. Why did mom come home last night etc. Now I'm the one here making up stories for her, lying to my boys for her. I'm sorry I must be missing something here
Do I understand this right? She has filed, and you have a PI getting information....per your lawyer's advice?
So, from what I interpret from what you have said about wanting to confront her, you just want her to know that YOU KNOW. Correct?
Again, I am not saying it is wrong to confront the WAS about their action. What I am saying is that the confrontation in itself really does not accomplish anything other than letting her know she has been caught. If you have a PI gathering information to use......why would you alert her? As I told you before, she will be more careful about covering her activities.
Confrontation in itself is shooting yourself in the foot. Just wanting her to know that you know what she's doing is about your ego! You don't want her thinking she has pulled a fast one over you. But if you follow your lawyer's advice, then everything will come out eventually. What is your goal besides just telling her you know?
If you are building a case to file for total child custody, then let her hang herself.
I would not lie to the boys about why their mom is not there. Let her handle their questions about her whereabouts. As you have said, they are not stupid.
You ask what are you missing here. IMO, you are missing the point there there is no solution in the confrontation itself. Now there are other programs that teaches exposure. They teach that is the only way to deal with a WAS in an affair. They will give you a plan how to carry it out. But this program is Divorce Busting. It is not called Affair Busting.
That is why you need to know what your real goal is. Do you want to expose the affair? Do you want full custody of your sons? Or is it just eating away at you that she's getting away with her wayward lifestyle, while you are left to take care of the home and kids?
I ask you again......what do you expect to happen when you tell her you know? If your boys are truly the concern here, then I would think you would express to her that both of you need to sit down with them as SHE tells them the ttruth. You can tell her that you will no longer cover for her. I mean, a confrontation needs to be a doorway to solving a problem. You can state your boundaries. You can even give ultimatums. It's up to you what you do. But just announcing that you know about the affair and it stinks.......and leaving it there..........what does it accomplish other than soothing your ego temporarily? You may get a couple of seconds of a surprised look on her face, and that's all.........if you don't have more to add.
Usually, a confrontation is with the hope and intent of getting to the truth and discussing where to go from that point forward. The LBS can state his boundaries, etc. but he is really hoping the WAS will have a change of heart. If she is not willing to stop the A and work on the M, what have you really accomplished other than showing your hand? You are going to let her know that you know about what she's doing..........and then what? Continue to live under the same roof while she continues doing whatever she chooses? Tell her you have a PI, so she can get a stronger case against you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Its nothing huge, just 10-15 appearance to discuss how the case is going and what the next steps are.
Wish me luck.
Also WAW and had a discussion last night and it went "pretty" well. I told her I will not cover or help her so she can go out with BF while we are still married. She denied it the whole thing and said shes been faithful to me our entire marriage. It or not it didnt go too bad. I'll fill you guy in on the details later I have to go.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Okay, so I told WAW I know about OM, Heres what happened.
I received a text from WAW stating she is off work and has the kids. I replied back with great, Im still at the doctors and was going to stop by my brothers for a few afterward. She didnt respond until and hour later, claiming she has a horrible migraine and suffered all day and now has 2 challenging boys to take care of. Then says if your just visiting or relaxing elsewhere it would be great if you could come home and assist with the boys tonight. I respond back with, Im sorry your not feeling well, Im at my brothers and I have to pick up my prescription and should be home soon.
So I get home, said hello, how are feeling, and I get a snarky not well. So I started the night time routine with the boys and WAW hops in the shower. I finished get the boys all tucked in and WAW comes n tells the boys good night. Shes wearing a pair of shorts and shirt. I didnt say anything at first, but then I noticed she was putting on make-up getting ready to go out. I said are you going out. She replied back with Yea for a few. I said I thought you didnt feel well. She then said, Im feeling better now.
Wether I was right or wrong, At this point I couldn't resist. I said, we need to talk. She said Ah Okay is everything okay. I said no its not. I told her I know that she was seeing OM and I will no longer be your babysitter so you can get ready to go out with OM.
She was absolutely shocked and denied, denied, denied. I told her, Im not stupid, I know your seeing someone. She asked how I knew, and I can assume whatever I want. It went back and forth for awhile, Mainly her talking trying to get out of it. I finally said Your a grown women and you are free to make your own choices. But while living with me I am no longer going help you in anyway so you can go out with OM. You will need to make other arrangements for the kids.
She never did go out that night and we even started talking about whats going to happen next, and about "whats best for the kids." (I hate that line)
More to come later. I have to run
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
