own buz 22:mediation to reconcilliation, hopefully

[makingmagic]

Good Morning BrightFuture, mj, Georgiabelle, & EVERYONE!!

I have been taking the time to go over the events of the last few days & re-reading my thread. I do agree... I think I am still coming across as being pushy.... Hopefully, this doesn't trickle over to him too much. I have told him that I am not pushing and that he needs to figure his stuff out on his own.

I have decided NOT to send that text message suggesting that we should really be looking deep at ourselves/relationship. Although, it is truly the way I feel. But it is "suggesting" that HE do something.

I am really struggling here. I am having conflicted feelings about MY life and what I truly want. Sometimes, I think I am so wrapped up in wanting him back, that I am forgetting what I truly want. Last night I dreamed of marriage. Yes, THAT is what I WANT #1. Or #2, at the very least to be in a committed relationship. To be true to myself, I must hold out for #1. To aim for #1, not to just settle for #2 (as I have in the past).

I am conflicted because I want #1, #2 and HIM! Realizing that I am putting this all in one basket. Feeling that it all comes via him. I cherish our special bond....possibly WAYYYYY too much, and that is what keeps holding me from reaching for #1. I have come to accept that I will not get marriage from him, therefore I keep allowing myself to settle.

As my "male" friend suggested yesterday. He may be massaging (saying things) to keep me "here" while he plays both sides of the fence. He said guys do that, and that guys are selfish. I am worth more than that!

When I repeatedly ask over and over again about the coffee times/costco visits that he has clearly stated as his "start"... I am conflicted in myself because:

Conflicting Statements

I don't know how to be true to myself due to that offering. I feel if I accept, then I lose control of myself and I feel it states I am available at your beck and call. If I decline, I feel it states that I am not interested. And this lack of interest will make him stop asking.

I am conflicted when others suggest let him lead... I would love more than anything for him to be truly pursuing me. I could follow his lead if this was actually a real pursuit. However, a real pursuit should not have OW in the background.

I am conflicted is coffee/costco/breakfast as family pursuit?

I also don't feel we should be "talking" or coffee or anything if he has interest in someone else. Not fair or true to our "special" relationship, me or her.

I am so conflicted. I want to be clear in what I AM DOING! (not for his sake) but for MINE!!

I wouldn't be AS conflicted if he hadn't mentioned that the OW and him were still talking. I assumed that if a true R was really on the table, he would have gotten rid of her. If this were the case, I would be able to follow his lead. If a true R was really on the table, I feel he would want to keep our relationship "special" (like he keeps telling me it is and how he is honoring it, by not having sex or seeing her lately).... so at this point I have reservations! I have made it perfectly clear that I have honored our relationship. I thought at the time I was telling him this, that he would appreciate knowing it, seeing its value... its possible that I just fed his ego.

I have reservations and I need to protect my heart. I can't keep dangling it out there for him to just poke at it once in a while. It hurts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of you have been wondering what I am doing when I am not obsessing over my relationship.

* I have been attempting to spend more time with my daughter. Last week on Friday night we did a little shopping and then went for dinner. Last night, we did the same then came home and watched a movie.

* Saturdays I usually spend working with him. Client appointments. Saturday nights I ususally hang out with friends either at their place or we go watch a friends band play.

* Sunday's I try to make it to church or I value myself and allow myself to sleep in (then try to get over the guilt). I try to catch up on work and get organized for Monday. Sunday nights DD and I watch TV.

* This week is reading week. I want to spend more time with DD. She has asked to go to a concert not too far out of town. Out of my comfort zone, but I realize I need to do this for her. I have asked a few friends to join, but in afterthought realized she wanted just mom/DD time. So... will have to discuss this with her again.


I REALLY NEED ADVICE/COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS NOW..... even if they are repeated! I feel that my new position may offer different advice. Therefore, I am conflicted in the previous advice given.

Thanks, Magic