My situation is still in a rut and neither my wife or I have seen a counselor but I've followed DB to the best of my ability and our situation has improved. Still in a rut but improved upon what it was. My point here is to not give up hope and follow the 37 rules. Remember all the cliches: baby steps, marathon not a sprint, WAS spew, etc.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Barrybran thanks for the post... it feels that I am drained. I honestly don't know why I'm staying around sometimes, it's that hard. But I do want to get her back somehow. I guess the pain is too much right now. Hopefully it will become better...
Did you guys ever feel that this is just too much? I see her in the house and I want to express my feelings. On the other hand I know that if I do that I will be pushing her away... I honestly don't know what to do. I'm confused and hurting too much.
It will get better but it takes work on your end first. Everyone talks about getting a life, etc but you really have to start off with accepting the situation as it is and understanding that your wife is interested in nothing you do or say at this point. Once you can wrap your head around those you'll still hurt but you'll be able to process everything with more thought than emotion.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
I am in a similar place, my wife told me a year ago last Oct. she was not happy. A couple of months ago she asked me to move out. I told her I can't leave our son and that he will never see me walk out on our family and if she needs space then she should go. We still live in the same house but 2 months ago she started sleeping in the guest room. I believe she wants a divorce but not sure she even knows. Dealing with this for the last 16 months. I am just going to try and keep doing the right things.
Knowing what you are going thru! Get the books DB and DR read them and get to work.
Give her space. I know you want to touch her and hold her - stop. Be upbeat and let her come to you to talk. When she does stop whatever you are doing and really listen to her. Turn the TV off, put your phone away or get off the computer. Affirm whatever she says, you don't have to agree but you do need to let her know you understand.
Ask her what she needs from you - she may say "nothing". Tell her you understand and let her know if she does have any thing you can do to let you know.
Start your 180's - if you need to pick it up around the house then start. I know when I started making the bed, doing the dishes, laundry and not drinking early on when she said she was unhappy she thought I was only doing it to manipulate her to want to stay. I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. I do want her to stay but I can't control her. I don't think she ever thought I would keep doing them for 16 months. She is still very confused - but I now know that I am the man I should have been a long time ago and she would be a fool to leave but that is her choice and one she will have to live with.
If you believe in a higher power - pray, ask for guidance, patience, wisdom, healing or whatever else you need.
If anyone disagrees with me tell me if I'm doing something wrong because I'm living it and learning as I go. No one has all the answers - be open.
You can't fix her or your relationship but you can fix you.
Best of luck. Keep up the good fight.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
I think we have all felt like this is just too much at one point or another. This has easily been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I can't emphasize enough how much you need to focus on yourself and not your W right now. Focusing on her is not only making things worse with her, but it is making things worse for you.
I KNOW that you are in serious pain, and I know (I have been there!) that it is incredibly difficult not to be consumed with this and trying to figure out how to get your W to stay. But listen to the wise folks here who have traveled this road before you - you've got to focus on you.
What are you doing to GAL, that has NOTHING to do with your W?
This is your key to survival.
I don't think you should share your C's idea with your W. (Is your W even seeing a C right now?) Your W has been very clear with you about what she wants and doesn't want. Are you really going to ask her to go to C for 6-8 weeks, and then go with you? I think that asking her to do this will only show her that you are not listening to (or believing, or accepting) what she is telling you.
You will be OK . . . I promise. Just make sure you are taking care of you.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Some great things said here. I just want to chime in.
I know exactly what you mean, feeling drained, losing hope, not know what your doing. If there is a way to save it, all those things. Man, I have felt them!! It has been so overwhelming, and So many desires to just make it stop! HOWEVER, feel it, take a few minutes or an hour, acknowledge how it feels, cry feel sad. Curse if need be, lol. But then get up, think about what taking care of you could look like. Make a list, and then do something on that list. Then make another, someone her posted, think about the perfect version of you. What would be needed for you to achieve that perfect version of yourself. Be honest with yourself. This is not a list of what W thinks, this is an internal inventory.
I can tell you, as hard as it is, this is not over. Don't believe all that she says at face value. I mean hear her, but when she tells you things, take them with a grain of salt. Most likely she is confused, in her mind, she is not, but know most likely is. The other part of that is know you cant make her see it. As much as we want to. We cant control the spouse. What we can do it take care of ourselves. Give your self time, you have time. She is still there, you are not in court right now. you have time. Slow down, and really think about yourself. You have probably seen ppl post it is a marathon, not a sprint.
Pace yourself, take a few deep breathes, close your eyes, and exhale. That's not just some made up meditation stuff, it really will help slow it down, and then makes it easier to look around at yourself and where you are at. Be Strong, have faith you can get through this. By far the hardest thing I have had to deal with and I suspect the same for you. Keep posting, vent it out here. When it feels bad, come post. You have a resource here of ppl who have and are going through the same thing. So, you can get feedback, support and perspectives and ideas that are sometimes hard to see when you are in the trenches.
Me:36 Her:35 together 11yrs M 7 1/2yrs lived together 10yrs 2dogs 2cats Mortgage on a house
bomb dropped 01/12/14 Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights I want to stay married
It will get better but it takes work on your end first. Everyone talks about getting a life, etc but you really have to start off with accepting the situation as it is and understanding that your wife is interested in nothing you do or say at this point. Once you can wrap your head around those you'll still hurt but you'll be able to process everything with more thought than emotion.
Barrybran thanks again for chiming in. I think that as time goes by and as I release my grasp on believing that there is something I can do, things become a bit better. I still hurt a lot. I try to vent when alone... But you are right. Mentally I know everything that I should be controlling but the emotion is too much right now...
I think we have all felt like this is just too much at one point or another. This has easily been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I can't emphasize enough how much you need to focus on yourself and not your W right now. Focusing on her is not only making things worse with her, but it is making things worse for you.
I KNOW that you are in serious pain, and I know (I have been there!) that it is incredibly difficult not to be consumed with this and trying to figure out how to get your W to stay. But listen to the wise folks here who have traveled this road before you - you've got to focus on you.
What are you doing to GAL, that has NOTHING to do with your W?
This is your key to survival.
I don't think you should share your C's idea with your W. (Is your W even seeing a C right now?) Your W has been very clear with you about what she wants and doesn't want. Are you really going to ask her to go to C for 6-8 weeks, and then go with you? I think that asking her to do this will only show her that you are not listening to (or believing, or accepting) what she is telling you.
You will be OK . . . I promise. Just make sure you are taking care of you.
Melissag thank you. It really does mean a lot to me that people are talking back and acknowledging my feelings, because talking with friends and family about *some* of the stuff that I feel is not allowing me to vent too much.
What am I doing to GAL? I have no idea now. I'm trying to think about how to get ME into the picture, but I honestly have no idea how to get out there alone. I have a couple of friends who I could go out with, but I hardly consider GAL going out and partying all night. Also, I feel that I would be giving her the implicit permission of doing the same, and I don't want to do that - I can't rationalize this, it's just an emotional fear. I know that she could do this on her own, so I'm just trying not to get ideas into her head.
Getting a hobby is not that hard, I've had a billion of them over the years. She always thought that they were juvenile, particularly when I started learning how to play electric guitar. She thought that I had rock star dreams. Anyway, I'll find something to do again, I'm sure
As for other activities, I started going to the gym about a year ago, and I keep doing that religiously 3 days a week. But that's hardly something new. I'm not stopping mind you
And then there's the C thing. I asked her to go with me once, and we'll see how it goes. If she likes it and wants to continue going, that would be great. If not then I won't pressure the situation. We'll see on Monday I guess.
I honestly am flying blind, because I don't do patience well (maybe I've said that already?) I'm one of those people that need to be working on something that needs fixing, that's my nature. And I know that this is my greatest weakness... I hate it that I can't do anything about this situation to stack "points" in my favor. Everybody tells me it's a waiting game, but I *cannot* wait. It pains me to my core...
Anyway, I'm trying to detach and to keep living by Sandi's rules. Trying the short answer bit as well, but it didn't go as well as I had hoped, because she told me "I can stop talking to you altogether, if you want". I told her "I never said that I want you to stop talking to me", and she relaxed a bit. But I could see that it was getting to her.
Anyway, that's it for now I guess. I hate emotional pain so much, I've always tried to retain and constrain it. And now it is just there all the time... And I hate the unknown, not knowing if anything I do matters, whether she will ever come back to create a new M or not, all the unknown variables in this shitty sitch... Basically it's my nightmare become true...
I know exactly what you mean, feeling drained, losing hope, not know what your doing. If there is a way to save it, all those things. Man, I have felt them!! It has been so overwhelming, and So many desires to just make it stop! HOWEVER, feel it, take a few minutes or an hour, acknowledge how it feels, cry feel sad. Curse if need be, lol. But then get up, think about what taking care of you could look like. Make a list, and then do something on that list. Then make another, someone her posted, think about the perfect version of you. What would be needed for you to achieve that perfect version of yourself. Be honest with yourself. This is not a list of what W thinks, this is an internal inventory.
I can tell you, as hard as it is, this is not over. Don't believe all that she says at face value. I mean hear her, but when she tells you things, take them with a grain of salt. Most likely she is confused, in her mind, she is not, but know most likely is. The other part of that is know you cant make her see it. As much as we want to. We cant control the spouse. What we can do it take care of ourselves. Give your self time, you have time. She is still there, you are not in court right now. you have time. Slow down, and really think about yourself. You have probably seen ppl post it is a marathon, not a sprint.
Pace yourself, take a few deep breathes, close your eyes, and exhale. That's not just some made up meditation stuff, it really will help slow it down, and then makes it easier to look around at yourself and where you are at. Be Strong, have faith you can get through this. By far the hardest thing I have had to deal with and I suspect the same for you. Keep posting, vent it out here. When it feels bad, come post. You have a resource here of ppl who have and are going through the same thing. So, you can get feedback, support and perspectives and ideas that are sometimes hard to see when you are in the trenches.
Thank you so much D2ndday I appreciate this post more than you know. And I know that all I can do is work on me. I'm trying to day-by-day reconstruct my psyche and gather the pieces so that I can restart myself, but it's so hard. Co-dependency? Maybe. But when trying to believe in something when there is nothing there is eating me up inside... I guess there's a long road ahead, so we'll see how it goes.
