I actually feel really good . . . it's weird, after the horrid week I had last week. I guess that slinky effect is really real.
Here's what I figured out. I have nothing to fear from my H anymore.
He wants a D. What else can he do to me now?
He has been acting like such an idiot lately that I am finally getting it. This really has nothing to do with me.
He can be nice, mean, use shame, guilt, anger, hugs, whatever kind of manipulation he wants. In the end, I will get what I am entitled to in the D. My life will be a lot different. But I won't be destitute. And I won't be alone.
My H can't make me feel small anymore. And no matter what he does, in the end, he can't screw me over financially. He has already screwed me over emotionally. But I have gotten through the hardest part - getting used to living without him. It is still a work in progress, but I know I can do it.
I am getting my self esteem back and feeling more like me than I have in years. As I slowly tell more of my friends about my sitch, I am getting more support in every way - one by one, my friends are stepping up and offering to help in whatever way they can, whether it's a shoulder to cry on, grabbing lunch, watching my kids, giving me a recommendation for an accountant, lawyer, therapist, etc.
This is NOT what I wanted for my life, or my M, or (most especially) my kids. But I know now I can handle it.
When I think back to BD - I felt completely hopeless. I actually feel hopeful now.
Still lots of mourning to go, I know, and hard times ahead, but I know I am strong enough to make it through.
It felt SO good to tell my H that no, I didn't want him to come to the basketball game on Sunday, and actually mean it. I will admit, I was curious what his response would be, but anticipating his response didn't make me want to change what I was going to say. And though it makes me sad that I don't want to hang out with him (bc it just illustrates the sad state of things), given the situation, it feels good. Much better than when I would have been desperately hoping he would come with us.
Now I just need to finish organizing my closets . . . .
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
