still hopeful... no matter where life takes me

[bluesgal]

Julie,
Glad you have taken time for meditation and yoga. Those are both things I'd like to start practicing. I used to do yoga and loved it. I've never meditated, but would love to start. Lord knows the LBS could use some downtime

Sounds like you have a good therapist. I know I always feel so much better after a session.

It's never too late to start those community connections. I just found out about a separated/divorced group that meets in a neighboring town and I plan to attend the next meeting. I have been slowly becoming more active at church, too, and recently made some nice connections with a couple of women in similar sitch's. I know it would be easier if you had family close by. Are they aware of what's going on? Are they supportive? Even talking on the phone to my family daily helps.

My heart aches for your S. I'm sure this must be so confusing to him. You are a great mom!

[juliegayle]

I tried a very simplified version of something Wonka suggested on Blues thread.

Last night when s was crying "where is daddy?" Instead of my usual at work or out reply I said "daddy is dealing with stuff that has nothing to do with mommy or s so he has to go out and spend time by himself. You will be asleep when he gets home but you will see him after school tomorrow."

It worked that time. We will see what happens next time.

[bluesgal]

I'm so glad, Julie! I'm sure I'll be using those words soon, too. It will probably feel a lot better than excuses.

[juliegayle]

Ughhh..I woke up today thinking that h hasn't been drinking in about a week and we were doing much better at communicating re:s.

Then...I saw a 75 charge out of joint account for a supplement to improve sexual performance. I have accepted that he can do whatever he wants with whomever but I should not be paying for the quality of it.... Gross

So I guess the only issue here is that I am going to have to force the issue of separating finances and making an agreement on who is responsible for what household and kid expenses. Something I have been attempting for months.

[melissag]

Ugh, Julie. I am sorry. That is gross.

Do you have a legal separation in your state? Here in CO, it's essentially the same process as a D, but in the end you are separated rather than D.

It is a good way to separate the finances (fairly) and figure out parenting time as well.

[bluesgal]

Julie,

Sorry to hear about that. It gives a sickening feeling. I'm glad that you've reached a point in detachment that you can separate yourself from your H decisions.

Same here, a S is same as D except in the end you are S not D.

[labug]

Julie, again see what legal advice is available to you in your area. Go to an AlAnon meeting, ask around.

I know you have difficulty getting to meetings,did you ever check out the online groups like SoberRecovery? ((( )))

[juliegayle]

I haven't pushed making any legal decisions because I have felt like things would escalate quickly. I am just not ready to split time with s. As long as h is in house I don't have to worry about that yet.

I do admit that not pursuing a consult is probably coming from a place of fear. Fear of pushing things past the point of no return. Fear that I am going to hear things I don't want to hear. I do know that I need to get over that and take some control again.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Julie,

I'm just catching up and it sounds like you are well. I did want to offer up a little info on legal advice. I've consulted 4 different attorneys (just to cover my bases) and I appreciated the info. Many will give you a free consultation. Heck, 2 of them told me I was really pretty and funny and they thought I would have no problem getting married again. While I appreciated the compliment, that's exactly (IMHO) what's wrong with our society. Just move on to the next marriage. Sigh.

In my state, no legal s is required and you can get a D in 30 days. Guess that's why I know so many people in their 30s and 40s who have been married 4 or 5 times.

Hang in there

[juliegayle]

I have had a few days to process something that happened and I justWwant to get it out of my head. I have watched (read) several folks on this board hit the moment when they truly realize what no expectations means. I have had my moment. Wow. I hadn't realized that I did still hold onto some expectations of H as a parent or human being. We are truly talking NO expectations.

Tues night s was sick.fever, head ache vomiting. I reach out and text h that s is sick and wants to talk to him. An hour later s is still crying for him so I let him leave a message. 2 hours after that the pediatrician says that we should go to ER to be evaluated because of an underlying medical condition. (He was fine in end but they feel always better to err on the side of precaution). I leave h a message that we are going to ER.

An hour after that my phone died and I use visitor phone in lobby. H finally answers and said he just got message. I EXPECTED him to sound more concerned. I EXPECTED him to leave wherever he was to come be with his son. I EXPECTED him to at least call the nurses station and ask for me to get an update.

Move ahead to 3 am. Hours of xray and MRI and blood work. H shows up glaring at me asking why I didn't answer my phone. (I told you battery died) why didn't I go to another phone to call him. (Once in room you can't leave your child unattended) He says this is all my fault because I was sick the day before. (What??)

He then said he was there now so I could leave. I said after a whole night of cleaning up throwup and comforting s and holding his hand when he was scared I wasn't going to leave now. H said "do you think that makes you special" I said "no it makes me a parent who was there" (was that wrong to say?)

I had already got work covered for next day. H decided to call out as well. I EXPECTED him to spend time with s. Wrong again. He was out most of day.

Funny thing is that he has been much nicer to me last few days. Maybe guilt? No idea no mind reading. But I am not going to EXPECT anything from it.