I am still at work but cant get anything done so I figured that I would write this down to get it off my chest and out of my mind. Two of my BFFs welcomed new babies this week. I am beyond thrilled for them. However, looking at their pictures of their new bundles of joy in the hospital have brought up some bad memories that I have been trying to forget. When S3 was born, my H could barely stand to be there. In fact, he left me alone at the hospital for 7 hours to hang out at a bar with OW. I sat in the room holding my brand new bundle all alone. We did not even have a name yet for S3 because H could not take five minutes away from work/phone/laptop to decide. At some point, H stopped answering his phone. I remember sobbing in my bed and telling S3 that I would love him double to make up for my H's lack of love. My FIL walked in and sat with me sobbing while I waited for H to show up. Of course when H showed up, he was mad at ME. This is definitely not how I pictured by little guys first few days with us.
To this day, my H has never apologized for that incident or anything really. I feel like he ruined those really special first days with a new baby. I also had no idea that S3 will probably be my last baby. H and I always talked about having a huge family and always planned on at least four kids. My H has taken away that dream as well.
I 100% love my kids and fully realize that I am blessed. But I always assumed that I would have four kiddos. I wonder if I will always feels like a piece of my family is missing. I want that feeling of pure bliss and happiness that you get when you hold a new baby for the very first time. I am just so tired of sadness and heartache. BLAHHH
I guess that you just need to take some time to grieve every once in a while. Ok, I am done venting. Back to work
