I think much of what you say is true. I do think we could communicate better, but I think I started realize what was going on way too late. She has admitted that she can't communicate directly, and I was just too dense to understand. It took some long talks with a friend for him to point out what was going on to me. No one in my family communicates like that, so I didn't really get the clues.
I know now that I was clingy. I didn't realize how clingy I was before now. Actually, I probably don't know even at this point how bad it was.
I think you're right that I was trying to control her by making improvements that I thought she wanted. I felt very helpless and frustrated. I had worked my way out of a depression and thought that because of this things should turn around. I was modifying my bad habits that she complained about in counseling, and thought that it would show there was progress. Every bad habit that I changed, she would mention another one and move the goal post. What I didn't understand, and what our counselors evidently didn't understand, was that the real problems weren't getting the attention. I would focus on fixing those issues, but I didn't try to make progress anywhere else. I will admit too that some of the things that annoyed her took me a while to fix.
I think she just got tired of trying to get through to me by the time we started counseling. I got her to go with me to see Michele, and even she couldn't get her to see that she could empower herself and fix the marriage at the same time. While there are a lot of things that are my fault, I don't think she was completely blameless. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but it takes two people to fix a marriage. I think I do look at myself as too much of a victim though.
I did make conscious efforts to make real changes in my life. I'm still following through with them today. I'm taking better care of my body by eating better and working out. I'm a lot more organized about taking care of the bills and not letting things go. I'm a lot better father, when I get to be one. She even acknowledge that things were better, and that I had improved a lot but at the point where she announced the D she didn't care anymore. The self-esteem issue is a harder one for me. This is a life long issue that I'm trying to work through.
As for her friends, my real problem with them is that they replaced me a long time ago. Even when we went out on dates she would be texting them. Most of her private time with me was filled with her texting them on the computer or on her phone. By the time she came home with me she had nothing left to give me. You could say it was a kind of EA. I admit I drove her to it, but as oblivious as I was to her about her method of communication, she was just as oblivious as to how much that was driving us further apart.
The fantasy that I alluded to was that she wanted us to communicate with each other just like she did with her friends, but she doesn't live with her friends. She doesn't have to see them at their worst, or deal with any of the common problems that a married couple do.
