melissa - standing up for me

[melissag]

I haven't told him anything about the game. There is no way that is happening, I am just holding off until I can answer without coming from emotion. Because then I would say, "Sorry H, I am done trying to rescue you from yourself. You wanted this, so own up to it and deal with the fallout yourself."

I just can't believe this sudden wanting to hang out as a family is anything other than self serving. And he is trying to manipulate me into doing it "for the sake of the kids."

I am so over his crap.

[3boymom]

Your H is all over the map because he is desperately trying to maintain his control in this situation. Right now nothing is working and he is getting desperate. I think that Betsey had a good proposed response to your H.

[melissag]

Thanks, guys.

Betsey, I am so bummed about Dre being traded. Then again, he wasn't doing us much good riding pine for two months anyway. Do you think it was a power struggle and he refused to apologize?

And speaking of childish behavior is such a great segue to my H.

I think you are right, 3. He doesn't know what to do anymore. I am no longer trying to keep him in my good graces and he doesn't like it.

Just for fun, I'll tell you guys what this behavior reminds me of. (Except in the opposite direction.)

H and I were friends for 4 years before we started dating. For about two of those years, he pestered me to date him. I refused. Then at one point I said I would consider it, maybe. He tried all different kinds of tactics. Super nice, begging, threatening to no longer be my friend, threatening to get back together with his ex girlfriend to make me jealous, the list goes on. So I guess his MO is to keep trying different things to get what he wants. Too bad he didn't try different things to make our M work. Sigh.

Anyway. I don't think that going to a bball game is confusing for me, I just flat out don't want to hang out with him. On top of that, I don't believe that he has any interest in hanging out with me; rather, us all going together is somehow self serving for him - if I had to guess, it would be because he doesn't want the kids to be mad at him/think D was his idea/insert selfish other selfish reason here.

I'm not trying to look for ways to bash my H. And I wish he was different. It's just that each time he communicates with me, there is nothing genuine or caring about it. There is always an ulterior motive. I think it's time I accept that. I have bought into it for far too long, with the hanging out and being friends and ML. So done with that.

OK, Betsey, I think I will use your suggested response. Though I may cut it even shorter.

First I have to call my L to see whether I can put down a deposit to order my new convertible.

[bluesgal]

M-just caught up with your posts. You seem so strong today. So confident. It looks good, and I'm sure it keeps H guessing. He is not in control of the situation he chose.

Keep your head up!

[melissag]

Thanks, Blues!

I actually feel really good . . . it's weird, after the horrid week I had last week. I guess that slinky effect is really real.

Here's what I figured out. I have nothing to fear from my H anymore.

He wants a D. What else can he do to me now?

He has been acting like such an idiot lately that I am finally getting it. This really has nothing to do with me.

He can be nice, mean, use shame, guilt, anger, hugs, whatever kind of manipulation he wants. In the end, I will get what I am entitled to in the D. My life will be a lot different. But I won't be destitute. And I won't be alone.

My H can't make me feel small anymore. And no matter what he does, in the end, he can't screw me over financially. He has already screwed me over emotionally. But I have gotten through the hardest part - getting used to living without him. It is still a work in progress, but I know I can do it.

I am getting my self esteem back and feeling more like me than I have in years. As I slowly tell more of my friends about my sitch, I am getting more support in every way - one by one, my friends are stepping up and offering to help in whatever way they can, whether it's a shoulder to cry on, grabbing lunch, watching my kids, giving me a recommendation for an accountant, lawyer, therapist, etc.

This is NOT what I wanted for my life, or my M, or (most especially) my kids. But I know now I can handle it.

When I think back to BD - I felt completely hopeless. I actually feel hopeful now.

Still lots of mourning to go, I know, and hard times ahead, but I know I am strong enough to make it through.

It felt SO good to tell my H that no, I didn't want him to come to the basketball game on Sunday, and actually mean it. I will admit, I was curious what his response would be, but anticipating his response didn't make me want to change what I was going to say. And though it makes me sad that I don't want to hang out with him (bc it just illustrates the sad state of things), given the situation, it feels good. Much better than when I would have been desperately hoping he would come with us.

Now I just need to finish organizing my closets . . . .

[melissag]

ohhhmmmmmmm . . . .

Just got done with a text convo with H about what he would like to say to the kids. (That we are getting D, he is not moving home, we both still love them, this wasn't their fault, etc.) He threw in a number of barbs about me filing, about how betrayed and bitter he is, that I filed just to piss him off, that he will never understand me, that I don't step up and talk to him, how I don't answer his questions so he HAS TO assume things about me, and so on.

I managed to avoid getting drawn into an argument, mainly by ignoring his swipes at me and sticking to the topic at hand. Then he scolded me for not taking responsibility for anything about this process - i.e, my contributions to the demise of our M. My jaw was on the floor. Is he serious? I couldn't stop myself from answering. I said, "I don’t even know what to say to that. I listened to every last thing you told me, owned up to it, apologized for it, and changed it. I don’t know how you can say I haven't taken responsibility for it."

Go ahead, 2x4 me if you will. I wouldn't take it back if I could. I am sooooo tired of being vilified by him. I just had to speak up.

He gave me some sob story about how he shouldn't have to take responsibility for everything but (since he is such a saint), he has no intention of badmouthing me to the kids, so fine, he will wear it.

(As an aside, I have no intention of telling the kids that getting D was H's decision either, I only refuse to lie and tell them I have any part in it, because that is just false.)

You'll never guess what he said next.

But between the two of us, this was never what I wanted.

I'm going to search my cupboards for some hard alcohol now.

[25yearsmlc]

I do some stand up comedy out here on the coast. In 2006 I once did a whole set on MLC and WAS's lines to us...

It was a hit. And I say that more to thank this group of people for their humor, than to brag (but okay fine, I also just bragged )

at the time, my 2 favs were based on real life situations (b/c you can't make this up and why would you? Divorce Busting is all right here...)

First was the "I would have told you the truth, but I didn't want to hurt you", (you know, so they're noble for lying...claiming altruistic motives, when in fact the "truth" was simple;

lying was easier, for several reasons. Period.

Second is a line from a woman I grew up with, who had an "open m", at her request and despite her h's less than enthusiastic first response. I emphasize the word "had" b/c they are divorced. (I'm shocked. Shocked I tell you!)

I knew this woman since kindergarten. She was the first to do anything related to growing up (except college), such as wearing a bra, reaching puberty, ETC...

but she had a bit of Madame Bovary in her too....self inflicted damage.


She was the "Fun but slightly too wild friend" who takes a fun idea, then makes it better, and then goes nuts with it and over does it and makes the rest of her friends want to run home and hide...SO


When asked if she told her h when she slept with OMs, she said --

"Of course I tell him when I do that; if you don't have honesty in a marriage, how are you gonna have trust?"



(Seriously, If I had not heard it myself, I would not have believed it. And Don't steal that line, I own it now, and it's a winner)...


I say all this to you Melissa, b/c I love your humor in this quagmire. It is admirable.

And I subscribe to the oft quoted belief that "comedy is tragedy, plus time"

(Judy Carter is the comedy guru of LA. She says "Comedy is tragedy + 2 weeks..")

BUT if you and your h had been around back then, I'd have devoted specific time for HIM...he's just giving out some great material.

And btw no, my h never saw the taping of what I called the "Devoted to my Soon to be XH" show, and probably never will.

But I got a lot of gigs from that show!...

[paul19510]

25. I really enjoyed this post. Somehow reading it made me remember that as lonely and singled out as our situations feel....other people are experiencing these things too. Often times they are in worse positions thsn ourselves. But you have to step back and breathe. Get perspective and move forward. This one is going to stay with me a while.

[paul19510]

Hi M. Just catching up. I filed yesterday. Not because I wanted to but because it was becoming "dangerous". I have to protect what's left. I got information that W had planned to leave for quite a while and onlg stayed be ause of the money. She has been bad mouthing me to the kids and friends for years and no one wanted to hurt me by telling me. Now that she's been out things aren't as comfortable as she thought. She was trying to find ways to get back in. None of those reasons were healthy ones. So after finding out about the lies and bad mouthing I approached her yesterday and told her we needed to file and continue from there. She agreed. Thr more I'm fining out, the more stunned I am that I didn't see it sooner.

You are doing amazing.

[paul19510]

One other thing...she got digs in at me too because I sat down with a L .....shr said well I guess this what what YOU really wanted. You just made me look like the bad guy by moving out. I told her NO. I wsnted to be a fsmily and a H to you. Thzts what I wanted.