Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I needed to hear it.
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I think i would summarize your overall feeling....like you are still grieving on some level and you have not fully begun to embrace the new YOU.... I actually think that deep down inside you know the answers to why you are feeling the way you are.
Yes, I think I am still grieving. I cut out the "alone" part of your quote. I am VERY independent and have no trouble being alone and in fact, quite enjoy my own company and get really grouchy when I don't get my space. The recent hermit thing is a bit much, though! I don't know what those answers are yet, Eric, but maybe you are right and I hold the key. In fact, you are right because don't we all hold our own keys?
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My point....is that continuing to even worry about it, overthink it - does not help YOU. It keeps you on the hamster wheel, which is what I think is the bigger issue.
You WANT to be DONE. That's what I think.
YES and YES!!! I am still on the hampster wheel and the only way that I feel I can get off of the wheel is to be done. i WANT to be DONE!! When you laid out all those possible responses, I had a different reaction to them all. Which is SO not the picture of done. (BTW - I totally knew you were joking, mercifully I have not lost my sense of humour). Even as I write this, I think: He has not responded. And a little voice says that I wanted him to respond (er, nicely). Like a Hail Mary pass that works just because I took the chance. Because I interpret the non-response as a negative. I wanted to believe him when he said he thinks about me.
I guess when you asked me about being done one day and not the next, I took you literally. Perhaps one day - years in the future - Skippy and I do reconnect. That would mean a change in circumstances and/or situation. But I think you were right when you said I have gotten back on the hampster wheel which is not a good choice.
But do you believe that a person can "choose" to be done? Like choosing carrots instead of peas? I can choose to act like I am done (and with the exception of today's blip, have in fact acted like I am done) but actively choose to be emotionally done? IDK. Telling myself to be done has had no effect whatsoever.
But I can focus on me and clean up my own side of the street. That I can do. Thank you again for the reminder!
The truth is, what I needed to be reminded of was to focus on me. Focus on my future and on making my life count. Get out of the doldrums and accept that I need to build my life in different ways than I thought.
