own buz 22:mediation to reconcilliation, hopefully

[BrightFuture]

Magic, it is a good sign that he is realizing how good he had it with you and he wants to try. You do sound desperate to speed up the process and “make” him work on reconciliation. You cannot force it. Stop, be patient. Yes, it might take 2 more years. Would you rather have your H back in two years or make him run away for good?

I like mj’s advice to get away from him for a while. Let him figure himself out, don’t push, let him lead the way.

[makingmagic]

Tx for your reply mj...I will try to take in what you suggest, meanwhile allow me to respond? (see below)

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My dilemma: H is placing "R talk" on the table while considering reconcilliation. He still admits to "talking" with that girl. THIS doesn't seem right or fair to either her or me, if reconcilliation is really on the table. He is not chosing between me & her, but our relationship on its own. I am fearful of doing the right/wrong things. I know he needs more time. Sounds like a lot of time, still. He seems somewhat content (for now) with coffees & costco visits. As much as I appreciate these efforts (baby steps), it doesn't SCREAM "lets get back together", and keeps me in a fearful state of do I or dont I (work coffees, etc)? What about boundaries? I wonder, Is this the time to finally state "not interested, as long as OW is in picture". I truly believe that he "NEEDS" to fear losing me, forever. I am not suggesting doing this as an ulitmatum, but for MYSELF! and my self-value. If this was some guy behaving like this to my DD, I'd be telling her to stand up for herself here!

I KNOW he is questioning his motivations about reconcilliation ..lonely, missing sex, etc vs. true feelings and desires to be with me.

A friend suggested that he may be massaging me to test my boundaries. If this is true, why would he EVER want to come back...life is good for him sitting on a fence.

I must be true to my NEW values... Values that include SELF-value.

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To truthfully answer you mj:

oozing desperation?.... ew, yuck!!! I am trying so hard not to let him see that ^^^ that is ugly!... didn't think it was transparent in my messages. My intention is not for him to "see" it my way or on my terms. I want to hear his terms too. Although, my new perspective includes self-value...this may be coming across as "my" way. I am not interested at all in "controlling" the reconcilliation, however... I want to value myself because if I do not, the relationship will go back to the same in 5 minutes! This is why I have such spastic fears...trying to think this through. Finding the balance between "allowing" him to come back his way vs. boundaries and self-worth.

I KNOW many people have given me GREAT advice... As much as it may appear like I haven't listened... I have!! (GAL, 180's, mediation/legal advice, looking deep within finding controlling and manipulation to work on, learning about touch, etc. and a bunch of other stuff).

I would hope that just because I question someone's advice it wouldn't necessarily put them off, but believe more like I am enquiring for more information about it. Because I have been clearly confused. Repetition works best for me. Sorry!

Yes! I took what the mediator said and ran with it. I am shocked that our relationship was so apparent to her. It really made me "re-evaluate" again. This wonderful "thing" we have! I am very fearful of losing it! Therefore I seek guidance! This particular mediator has a background in councelling. Her opinion and conflict negotiating ways are pretty awesome.

Its possible that I "may" be "trying" to force him (my hidden agenda). I didn't realize that this may be happening. I'm not sure How I am doing this when it is him who wants to "talk" and him who "coffees" with me..... I DO NOT WANT ANY FORCE!! I want it to come from a place of CERTAINTY!

Yes... he definately has it made with me with the business (I cant imagine continuing the business without a relationship). As for commitment, we have already established this point in mediation... She clued into his fear of commitment & he realizes it now too. It is something he wants to review in future IC or guy friend talks. I am not sure, if he fears I wont help with the business. Maybe as a paid out parnter/new employee, I could consider.

As you agree, with him not committing to anything. I am taking a second look at my future. Which is where trying to hold out for MY values has been my struggle. I am too eager to jump "IN" fearing I will lose him if I stand firm for myself. DUMB HUH? I need to stand firm, regardless. If I lose him, it wasn't meant to be... I guess.

I would love to take time away from him/business.

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BrightFuture ~ thanks for popping in! I agree! TOTALLY desperate here! As for letting him lead the way, I was prepared to do that, but based on my boundary, my self worth... do you still feel that is the way to go now? this is my confliction.

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I would love to hear your feedback and anyone else who has a view! THanKS, Magic!!

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Making Magic,

I was just catching up on your thread. I love Eric's comment that "Rome wasn't built in a day." Probably because I say that every day:)

I'm not an expert but I do sense you are trying to rush the process. Let you h figure stuff out-he has to do that. You can't "convince" him of why he should be open to reconcilliation. He needs to get there on his own.

I do agree that you 2 share a strong connection and work well together. But my 2 cents is to back off a bit. Love the idea of going on vacation. Step back. Let him pursue.

[makingmagic]

Hi Georgiabelle... thanks for popping in!

I agree I am likely trying to "rush" the process. I agree H needs to figure out his stuff and I offer him ALL the time in the world to do so. However, once I realized he is maintaining his "friendship" with OW, I declared a boundary. So, I am now trying to figure out my place.... my heart realizes that our relationship is unique/possibly a rare one. If "she" wasn't in the picture, I would accept his slow pursuing ways. BUT, the fact that my HEAD knows the difference now, and I stated "not interested" as long as he keeps her around.

Do I accept his pursuing or decline because I have stated a boundary. I would not want to reneg on this boundary now, as this would make me look like a fool and that he can have his cake.

I more than want to back off a bit, I want to runaway...I fear screwing all this up!!!

[makingmagic]

Good Morning BrightFuture, mj, Georgiabelle, & EVERYONE!!

I have been taking the time to go over the events of the last few days & re-reading my thread. I do agree... I think I am still coming across as being pushy.... Hopefully, this doesn't trickle over to him too much. I have told him that I am not pushing and that he needs to figure his stuff out on his own.

I have decided NOT to send that text message suggesting that we should really be looking deep at ourselves/relationship. Although, it is truly the way I feel. But it is "suggesting" that HE do something.

I am really struggling here. I am having conflicted feelings about MY life and what I truly want. Sometimes, I think I am so wrapped up in wanting him back, that I am forgetting what I truly want. Last night I dreamed of marriage. Yes, THAT is what I WANT #1. Or #2, at the very least to be in a committed relationship. To be true to myself, I must hold out for #1. To aim for #1, not to just settle for #2 (as I have in the past).

I am conflicted because I want #1, #2 and HIM! Realizing that I am putting this all in one basket. Feeling that it all comes via him. I cherish our special bond....possibly WAYYYYY too much, and that is what keeps holding me from reaching for #1. I have come to accept that I will not get marriage from him, therefore I keep allowing myself to settle.

As my "male" friend suggested yesterday. He may be massaging (saying things) to keep me "here" while he plays both sides of the fence. He said guys do that, and that guys are selfish. I am worth more than that!

When I repeatedly ask over and over again about the coffee times/costco visits that he has clearly stated as his "start"... I am conflicted in myself because:

Conflicting Statements

I don't know how to be true to myself due to that offering. I feel if I accept, then I lose control of myself and I feel it states I am available at your beck and call. If I decline, I feel it states that I am not interested. And this lack of interest will make him stop asking.

I am conflicted when others suggest let him lead... I would love more than anything for him to be truly pursuing me. I could follow his lead if this was actually a real pursuit. However, a real pursuit should not have OW in the background.

I am conflicted is coffee/costco/breakfast as family pursuit?

I also don't feel we should be "talking" or coffee or anything if he has interest in someone else. Not fair or true to our "special" relationship, me or her.

I am so conflicted. I want to be clear in what I AM DOING! (not for his sake) but for MINE!!

I wouldn't be AS conflicted if he hadn't mentioned that the OW and him were still talking. I assumed that if a true R was really on the table, he would have gotten rid of her. If this were the case, I would be able to follow his lead. If a true R was really on the table, I feel he would want to keep our relationship "special" (like he keeps telling me it is and how he is honoring it, by not having sex or seeing her lately).... so at this point I have reservations! I have made it perfectly clear that I have honored our relationship. I thought at the time I was telling him this, that he would appreciate knowing it, seeing its value... its possible that I just fed his ego.

I have reservations and I need to protect my heart. I can't keep dangling it out there for him to just poke at it once in a while. It hurts.

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Many of you have been wondering what I am doing when I am not obsessing over my relationship.

* I have been attempting to spend more time with my daughter. Last week on Friday night we did a little shopping and then went for dinner. Last night, we did the same then came home and watched a movie.

* Saturdays I usually spend working with him. Client appointments. Saturday nights I ususally hang out with friends either at their place or we go watch a friends band play.

* Sunday's I try to make it to church or I value myself and allow myself to sleep in (then try to get over the guilt). I try to catch up on work and get organized for Monday. Sunday nights DD and I watch TV.

* This week is reading week. I want to spend more time with DD. She has asked to go to a concert not too far out of town. Out of my comfort zone, but I realize I need to do this for her. I have asked a few friends to join, but in afterthought realized she wanted just mom/DD time. So... will have to discuss this with her again.


I REALLY NEED ADVICE/COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS NOW..... even if they are repeated! I feel that my new position may offer different advice. Therefore, I am conflicted in the previous advice given.

Thanks, Magic

[LoisB]

Many of you have been wondering what I am doing when I am not obsessing over my relationship.

Yup. And, many of us recognize the obsessing because we've been there and done that. We see how much it saps, drains and depletes our valuable energy.

Magic. I say this outta love. I've been where you are in the obsessing. I hung onto my relationship with my H a drowning person clings to driftwood.

This is what I need in order to post and comment. I need you to post one post. Just one post that makes NO mention of your H--nothing, zilch, nada, nein. No pronoun him, he, his...no mention or reference of your H whatsoever.

Can you do it? What are YOU doing this weekend?

[LoisB]

I would also suggest reading DB again, along with Codependent No More by Melody Beattie--if you haven't done so.

[makingmagic]

Hi Heather... thanks for your post.

I can do it!

Last night, took daughter shopping/dinner then we watched part of a movie till she was falling asleep.

I worked today (sold a vehicle!)!! I also committed to 2 upcoming concerts. One out of town THIS Thursday, taking me out of my comfort zone, but making my daughter happy. She is wanting/needing one on one time. And another concert in the summer, to which I bought 2 tix but don't know who I will bring (LOL). Then, got my nails fixed. Need to eat next. Will either be going to a friends for dinner/drinks or having a few over to my place for pre-drinks before we go see our friends band play.

As for Sunday.... church (if I don't sleep in). Then not sure what else.

Is this good? This is a typical weekend.

OK DONE... what does that accomplish?

[LoisB]

I'm so proud of you!!!

What do YOU think it accomplishes? You have a sound mind, you sold a vehicle and help run a successful business, so YOU must have some thoughts about stuff.

My thought: It accomplishes a lot by showing that you have a life without H.

Good job selling a vehicle!!!

Magic, you are a separate human being. And, from what you've posted, it sounds like you are very entangled with your significant other(personally and financially).

It's time to start thinking about you, separately from him. You are a separate person. What he does, doesn't do, feels, thinks, says, believes, drinks, eats, etc... is irrelevant right now. Frankly, all the aforementioned isn't any of your business right now. It's his business.

Your business is just what you posted above. What you did today, what YOU plan to do and how you plan to do it.

Stop obsessing about him and start living your life. I think if you begin to post more about you and much, much less about him, you will see more people engaging in your journey.

Start using your own fabulous brain. You can figure this stuff out just like the rest of us did...with lots of backwards steps, forwards, up, down, inside out...

It was really scary when I made the realization that I was alone in this world. I always thought my H would be there through thick and thin. I saw him as my life vest. I clung to him for dear life. That was unfair to him. When I started to act on my own accord and make decisions for me without thinking about how EVERYTHING would impact our marriage, him, his life, that's when I began to grow and push forward.

You can do this.

[makingmagic]

Hi Heather... thank you.

Yes, I do have a life outside of H.

Maybe to even add to yesterday and feeling empowered yesterday, was going outside of my comfort zone twice. I believe that is considered growth.

Yesterday, I agreed to take my daughter to the concert (driving and being alone, is my issue)...this takes me out of my comfort zone. Yesterday, I also wasn't "eager" when H called, or did I call back, etc. I didn't immediately hop in his vehicle while waiting for our client, instead I waited in my own. Then he asked if I wanted "coffee"... I actually didn't want any (this time) so I said "all coffeed out thanks". He then sat in the vehcile all by himself and had coffee alone, while I decided to shovel. This all feels like a 180 for me, as Magic will ALWAYS want to talk... this time, I didn't. I am certain he was a bit surprized as I am really conflicted with my own thoughts now.

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Church today... then not sure what else.

I guess I need to get back on track with enforcing the mediator business suggestions. Getting my name "temporarily" on 40% of the equitable shares until we are able to discuss the next 10%. He wants to see his lawyer about that... he is afraid that it will implicate him somehow and be committed firm to that agreement. Inspite of realizing that I am at least entitled to 40%.

Heather, it is VERY scary reailizing too that he is not my life vest. He says he still is and wants that position... but, I see him being very selfish these days.