Tx for your reply mj...I will try to take in what you suggest, meanwhile allow me to respond? (see below)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My dilemma: H is placing "R talk" on the table while considering reconcilliation. He still admits to "talking" with that girl. THIS doesn't seem right or fair to either her or me, if reconcilliation is really on the table. He is not chosing between me & her, but our relationship on its own. I am fearful of doing the right/wrong things. I know he needs more time. Sounds like a lot of time, still. He seems somewhat content (for now) with coffees & costco visits. As much as I appreciate these efforts (baby steps), it doesn't SCREAM "lets get back together", and keeps me in a fearful state of do I or dont I (work coffees, etc)? What about boundaries? I wonder, Is this the time to finally state "not interested, as long as OW is in picture". I truly believe that he "NEEDS" to fear losing me, forever. I am not suggesting doing this as an ulitmatum, but for MYSELF! and my self-value. If this was some guy behaving like this to my DD, I'd be telling her to stand up for herself here!
I KNOW he is questioning his motivations about reconcilliation ..lonely, missing sex, etc vs. true feelings and desires to be with me.
A friend suggested that he may be massaging me to test my boundaries. If this is true, why would he EVER want to come back...life is good for him sitting on a fence.
I must be true to my NEW values... Values that include SELF-value.
oozing desperation?.... ew, yuck!!! I am trying so hard not to let him see that ^^^ that is ugly!... didn't think it was transparent in my messages. My intention is not for him to "see" it my way or on my terms. I want to hear his terms too. Although, my new perspective includes self-value...this may be coming across as "my" way. I am not interested at all in "controlling" the reconcilliation, however... I want to value myself because if I do not, the relationship will go back to the same in 5 minutes! This is why I have such spastic fears...trying to think this through. Finding the balance between "allowing" him to come back his way vs. boundaries and self-worth.
I KNOW many people have given me GREAT advice... As much as it may appear like I haven't listened... I have!! (GAL, 180's, mediation/legal advice, looking deep within finding controlling and manipulation to work on, learning about touch, etc. and a bunch of other stuff).
I would hope that just because I question someone's advice it wouldn't necessarily put them off, but believe more like I am enquiring for more information about it. Because I have been clearly confused. Repetition works best for me. Sorry!
Yes! I took what the mediator said and ran with it. I am shocked that our relationship was so apparent to her. It really made me "re-evaluate" again. This wonderful "thing" we have! I am very fearful of losing it! Therefore I seek guidance! This particular mediator has a background in councelling. Her opinion and conflict negotiating ways are pretty awesome.
Its possible that I "may" be "trying" to force him (my hidden agenda). I didn't realize that this may be happening. I'm not sure How I am doing this when it is him who wants to "talk" and him who "coffees" with me..... I DO NOT WANT ANY FORCE!! I want it to come from a place of CERTAINTY!
Yes... he definately has it made with me with the business (I cant imagine continuing the business without a relationship). As for commitment, we have already established this point in mediation... She clued into his fear of commitment & he realizes it now too. It is something he wants to review in future IC or guy friend talks. I am not sure, if he fears I wont help with the business. Maybe as a paid out parnter/new employee, I could consider.
As you agree, with him not committing to anything. I am taking a second look at my future. Which is where trying to hold out for MY values has been my struggle. I am too eager to jump "IN" fearing I will lose him if I stand firm for myself. DUMB HUH? I need to stand firm, regardless. If I lose him, it wasn't meant to be... I guess.
I would love to take time away from him/business.
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BrightFuture ~ thanks for popping in! I agree! TOTALLY desperate here! As for letting him lead the way, I was prepared to do that, but based on my boundary, my self worth... do you still feel that is the way to go now? this is my confliction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I would love to hear your feedback and anyone else who has a view! THanKS, Magic!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
