Separated and on a Walk

[paul19510]

Paul, I just realized you started a new thread. I have lots to catch up on. Hope all is well!

thanks for checking my thread Blue! Lots of changes in the air today. We shall see what today brings. I have found that all was not as it seems. I've been stsnding to save something thst didn't exist I rhink. Time to make peace with that.

I will post more later. Off to the gym.

[labug]

Those are good, although maybe painful realizations.

Keep the focus on you, you can only change you.

[paul19510]

Those are good, although maybe painful realizations.

Keep the focus on you, you can only change you.

thanks Bug. I am continuing to work on me. I spoke with W this morning and told her that I knew that she had been smoking for years, that many others knew and that she lied to me about it for years and asked others (including my D's) to do the same. its not the act iteself but what the act and the cover up symbolized that helped me decide it was time for next steps.

I told W I could not see how to continue to stand for a M where my partner did not seem to value me and was deceitful. I said it was time to move forward. There is not legal separation were I live. I've instructed the L to proceed and to produce a first draft of an agreement as well as file for D.

I absolutely do not want this (I love being a H), but I will not be lied to and bad mouthed to my kids and my community, by someone who claims to care for me.

I know I was not keeping with DB rules, but I told her how much I felt I'd been learning and how I want to continue. I told her I didn't want what was happening and preferred that we simply loved each other and had a wonderful life.

She wants her horses and that's clear. Being married to me has made that more possible for her. Being D'd makes that more difficult (our incomes are very different).

While I like the horses, I feel that kids and family comes first. She has often taken care of the horses and left the rest to me. I can't live like that. I don't want to be alone either. At the moment she lives apart and continues to enjoy all of the benefits of the marriage without any R with me.

In short we see our M from 2 different places. Neither is wrong per se, She wants safety and security. She grudgingly agreed to be a companion to me at times for that. I want a romantic R with her. She's not interested in that. There's nowhere to turn. She said she was conflicted about today's decision, but did not see a way to get along. I reminded her that we had not even tried to be out together or do anything friendly since last summer (that date only lasted 90 minutes and she wouldn't even hold my hand).

Anyway, more work on me. hopefully, I can begin to put some miles in between us now.

[paul19510]

one follow up note. filing stops the increase of debts as joint debts. I fund evidence that she's borrowing more money she didn't tell me about. I can't allow that. we're already in a bad situation with debt. I have to protect me and the kids.

[labug]

Keep the focus on you and what you can change. Go back and take out all references to her, see what you're left with.

Why did your W go to such lengths to hide smoking from you? Since she was OK with others knowing it must be something specific to you.

Are her actions driving you to make this filing or is this your choice. You seem to be unclear on that.

I sense a lot of anger. Be angry, it's OK but when it clears, see where you are.

[paul19510]

Keep the focus on you and what you can change. Go back and take out all references to her, see what you're left with.

Why did your W go to such lengths to hide smoking from you? Since she was OK with others knowing it must be something specific to you.

Are her actions driving you to make this filing or is this your choice. You seem to be unclear on that.

I sense a lot of anger. Be angry, it's OK but when it clears, see where you are.

hi bug. I am angry and hurt. I believe that I want something thst doesn't exist. I will refocus on myself. I felt that filing was needed to keep out joint debts from growing. We are already in trouble with debts. I believe in being honest. Being lied to and bad mouthed to my kids is not something thst I can work with. Filing will not stop that. It does however protect me and my kids from incurring further debt. I have been told by more thsn one source ththat w does not respect me and is not interested in being a W In the romantic partner sense. I do want that.

I agree that my decision to move forward may have been hastened by several factors. I don't know where all of this will go. I know I have to keep learning and growing.

[paul19510]

more pearls of wisdom from D16. now that things are moving forward she's been telling m more about what's been happening behind the scenes. Nothing was what I thought. W was telling kids if I didn't make what I made, she'd have left years ago. this is really feel bad. Its not nice to be used. I will continue to work on me but I also must learn to be more realistic about my relationships.

[melissag]

Paul, I am sorry that it has come to this. I agree that you don't need to be M to someone who has so little respect for you.

Yes, it will now be your fault in your W's eyes . . . because you filed. You can't worry about what she thinks. You know how this has all transpired, and how you have handled the situation.

I am a little worried about how involved your D16 is in all of this . . . have you given her the opportunity to speak with her own C?

Hang in there, Paul. Keep focusing on your and your kids.

[paul19510]

Hi M. I am shocked by whst she knew. She's been vomiting it out since she stsrted tskking. She feels awful. She said, I resllt believed you were just not a good guy and mom kept tslii g ....now thst she's gone and we are spening time I'm seeing it wasn't all your fault. I had to hide what I knew. I felt awful. Her Bf got an earful too for the past 2 years. After they were dond I told them we're al done and moving forward ina positive way. W is still very short with D16. I think she may realize all the stuff she vented may come back to bite her. Not my problem. We are healing. Thanks for not judging me.

I texted W that I had made contact with L and will advise of next steps. I told her thst I hate this....I see no way out but this at the moment.

[paul19510]

corrected version: Hi M. I am shocked by what she knew. She's been vomiting it out since she started talking. She feels awful. She said, I really believed you were just not a good guy and mom kept telling me stuff and venting ....now that she's gone and we are spening time I'm seeing it wasn't all your fault. I had to hide what I knew. I felt awful.

Her BF got an earful too for the past 2 years. After they were done I told them we're all done and moving forward ina positive way. W is still very short with D16. I think she may realize all the stuff she vented may come back to bite her. Not my problem. We are healing. Thanks for not judging me.