WAW Said She's Done-pt.4- What Happened?

[OneDay]

Believe it or not, I woke up the other morning with a different mindset. A better mood than normal. I dont know where it came from, but I didnt care what type of mood WAW was in. This is has been a few days now, and Im still feeling good. Not great, but good.

Also, I'm starting to look at WAW differently. (and not in a good way) I'm noticing she builds up her own frustrations/issues then takes them out on me and the kids. I just now realized she has always done that. If she were to say that she wants to R, I would be VERY hesitant. It would be A LOT of work on both parts,

Now you feel that you just have to confront her. What do expect will be her reaction? Tears? An apology? Repentance? Promises? Even in the couple of stories where I've read of this happening.......the WAW never stuck to whatever she said when confronted. The more common response from the WAW is telling her H what he doesn't want to hear.

Do you have a plan that goes beyond confrontation?

I am not saying you should or shouldn't approach her, but it takes much, much more than just confronting her. You better have a well thought out plan. And don't give her ultimatums. That will almost guarantee you a bad outcome.

If she were to agree to end the A, have you read about how it should end? If she says she doesn't want to end the M, do you know what you to require from her .....and what both of you need to do to get through them next rough weeks/months as she grieves over the A? There needs to be certain conditions a WAS agrees to, if a reconciliation is successful. Some men just want to hear she'll end the A, and he thinks everything will be okay. It won't. The hard stuff comes after she agrees to never contact OM again.

As one example, if she agrees to end the A but tells you she has not interest in putting effort into working on the MR. What would the next step be? B/c piecing comes after both are ready to roll up their sleeves and get to work.

After thinking for awhile, I dont know what to expect her reaction to be. I dont have an exception one way or another.

A PLAN? What does that PLAN look like in this situation?
I feel no matter the outcome I need to say something. I would try to speak softly, from the heart and Loving tell her, that I know what she is doing. To let her know I dont agree with what she is doing and wish she would stop, but I know its her choice and Im not going to stand in your way. (Is this a dead end conversation or what?)

Thats as far as my plan goes.^^^^ What more is there to say. What would a plan even look like.

Sandi, I dont know if she would agree to anything right now. We barley even talk. I try to maintain a PMA, say hello, how was your day? Are you feeling Ok etc. She is very negative and turns most things I say into a Negative. We have short talk, more about the kids or dogs than anything. But no real conversion. I listen to her when she venting and I validate. Neither one of use bring up the D or R.

And no I dont know what the next steps would be if she agreed to end the A.(which only started a few weeks ago) And No, I dont know how we would begin to start piecing. Trust would be a major concern for me. I know it would be a ton of work on both parts. We would need some serious counseling.

[zew]

Do NOT confront. Nothing good can come from it. I backslipped and confronted when I thought my WAW was going to re-engage OM. Big mistake. She wants out badly.

Best advice I can give is to BACK OFF. Give space and do not pressure her. Do your 180's and GAL. Work on yourself.
Really, it doesn't matter if you think it's a dealbreaker or not right now, you are in no position to do anything but break everything on the worst possible terms. It is incredibly hard, but you pretty much have to accept that this M is done right now, and you maybe have a chance for a new R way, way, way down the road when your W is more secure (and not pressured) and you are more attractive to her (and right now, you're not)
Stop worrying about WAW, and how you look at her. DETACH. Unhitch your wagon from her crazy train and get yourself back on an even keel.

Are you feeling Ok etc. She is very negative and turns most things I say into a Negative. We have short talk, more about the kids or dogs than anything. But no real conversation. I listen to her when she venting and I validate. Neither one of use bring up the D or R.

Stick to this. This will likely be as good as it gets for a long while.

Trust me on this. You don't care about OM, A or any of that right now. Now work on YOU until you actually believe it, because that's the kind of confidence you will need.

[OneDay]

EDIT

I feel no matter the outcome I need to say something. I would try to speak softly, from the heart in a Loving, yet firmly tell her, that I know what she is doing and about the OM your seeing To let her know I dont agree with what she is doing and all the sneaking around. Tell her This is obviously your choice, but you have a decision to make especially while we are still married and living together

[Azagtoth]

Also I spoke with my Attorney about WAW and the OM. He was not very please with her behavior and pulling all nighters and seeing OM with his criminal record. Not good for her character. You see, She is trying to get majority custody of the children, for no apparent reason other than child support. I've asked her a few times why, and the answer is always different, but comes back to "Its just the way I personally feel" Anyhow he wants to get a P.I. to follow and take pics of the 2 of them

OneDay,

I am not totally up on your sitch, but I feel for you and what you are going through is terrible.

I know you want to save your M like the rest of us, but let me offer you a different outlook on this based on the text I quoted above. Listen to your attorney for now; let him get the PI and investigate. You know the saying; hope for the best and plan for the worst. Well, if the worst happens, you are going to want this evidence!

The following is just some things I found out researching after my BD and something to think about in case things really go bad for you; take it for what it is worth:

Here is the deal. In some states, at least in mine, "carnal knowledge" does not have to be proven; only intent and opportunity when it comes to adultery. For example, if pictures are taken of them going out together, entering a hotel together, and leaving together later, that is enough to prove intent and opportunity. In my state, even if she takes the 5th, it is considered by the judge to be an admission of guilt. Also, even if divorce papers are pending and the couple is legally separated, the couple is still considered legally married and any relations with a 3rd party is still adultery and can be used in court even if not one of the original complaints or reason for filing. Not only does this affect consideration for alimony, it can be used when considering custody as well. You might be able to push for full custody if you want it and get support from her!

In my state, if adultery is proven, it's a misdemeanor and the WS can be subjected to $1000 fine and up to 1 year incarceration.

You might want to look into this with your attorney and your state laws on these things; I am betting this is why he wants to put a PI on her!You might want to ask him about Alienation of Affection & Criminal Conversation in regards to the OM and see if those torts are valid in your state.

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope your sitch turns around, but if it all goes south and ugly, you will want as much firepower as you can get!

Again, just my $0.02


Azagtoth

[OneDay]

Azagtoth, Im not trying to portray my WAW as a horrible person and I hope its not coming across that way in my threads. She is not a horrible monster who is out to take me for everything Im worth. She is however, very adamant about custody of the children. She feels that she is the better/fit parent as Im not as strict and like to have some FUN.

In our state the courts do not care if your spouse is having an affair, but the do care about the well being of the children.

My WAW use to be a stay at home mom. Well ever since BD She has been going out Drinking every weekend till all hours of the night and some weekday till very late. She's even pulled a few all nighters. This will not look good for her and is why my attorney wants the PI.

All I want is whats fair. 50/50 everything. I love my boys and love spending time with them, always have. My WAW is fit and good mother, however she has made some poor choices post BD she has become a completely different person, but I still feel she is a great mother.

[3boymom]

All I want is whats fair. 50/50 everything.

If your primary concern is ensuring that you have 50/50 custody, then I think that you really need to listen to your attorney and hire a PI. Your W has already told you that she will fight against you having 50/50 custody.

Even though I know that you feel compelled to confront your W, don't do it until you have everything documented. I promise that confronting your W will get you no where at the moment. My H and I were together when I learned about his A. We were both looking at his phone at the moment the OW sent a text. My H lied through his teeth for 30 minutes about the text that we both clearly saw. I told him what it said word for word. It was horrible and made the situation even worse for me. I already knew about the A and now my H (the man I married and the father of my children) was standing in front of me lying to protect his A. Seven months later he still lies through his teeth to protect her. If you are concerned about the OM (and it appears that you have reason to be concerned), then I would follow the recommendations of your attorney.

I promise that whatever you are hoping to achieve from the confrontation will not occur. You may feel bad not saying anything and just letting it happen. But will you feel any better after you confront her and she continues with the A despite knowing that you know? Because she is going to continue the A until SHE decides that she is done not because you confront her about it. This is a marathon and there are no quick fixes to the pain that you are feeling. It svcks and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Please don't let your emotions now jeopardize your future with your children.

[OneDay]

I'm so bummed. WAW is at OM house right now. Stopped by the liquor store on the way.

I'm home with my niece and S10 eating popcorn and watching the smurfs 2. (But I'm not the fit parent)

[OneDay]

I'm not going to be able to take this. She is cake eating to the extreme.

Once the P.I. Is finished gathering the info we need I'm going to tell her I know everything that's going on and that it $ucks what's she's doing to everyone.

And honestly I don't care what she thinks or what the outcome is. I think it would be best if she does move out. Let her get a taste if reality.

Boundaries need to be set and I'm tired of being walked on

[MrBond]

How can she be cake eating? She filed for D. She is perfectly in her right to have a new relationship.

You're trying to control the situation because of your hurt feelings.

You're going to do much more damage in your relationship with her if you act out of anger. Is that the kind of role model YOU are going to be for your kids. You want to tell your kids that their mom is a sl*t in your eyes? You may not thing you do, but that's exactly how you're acting.

And what "reality" are you referring to? You're the one who isn't accepting reality.

Stop acting like a child and just go ahead and finish filing. Because I can guarantee that if you get a PI and start coming down hard on her to force your "reality" down her throat, it's not going to end well. And it's your kids who will suffer in the end.

[OneDay]

Yes but the point is we are not divorced yet, and we still live together. It's just morally wrong in my eyes

She is lying to me, the boys, and her family about where she's going and what she is doing. She's rarely around anymore and claim she is working (and knows I will b home with the boys). So she can go off with her BF. She will then complain and argue with me that the house is filthy, the laundry is not done and the floors not clean etc etc. She expects they should be because she is busting her butt working. Which is not always the case. We both work full time. She just chooses to go out more and things start to back up around the house and she takes it out on me.

I've done every bit of the filing. We are still waiting on her to provide her info to the lawyer. We could have been done by now if she had the money to get her own apartment. And if she agreed to 50/50 custody. She could always go to her parents but chooses not too

She is trying to portray me as an unfit father and she feels she need primary custody of the children. As of BD she has been miss party animal. Staying out all night, no one knows where she is, nor does she say before leaving. She calls the following day asking for a ride to her car as she was too drunk to drive. The boys don't need to see that, the are already worried why mom was not home. I could keep going but I think u get the idea. This is why my lawyer feels the need for the PI.

I honestly hope the info that the PI gather never has to come up. I hope she will just agree to 50/50 of the kids.

The Reality I'm referring to is She's knows I am here with the boys. She knows they are safe and she if free to go and do whatever she feels. All while lying. and sneaking around me and the boys

That post last night was out of anger. As I've said before she is not a horrible monster, person or mother. I think we are both very fit parents who have always been very involved in our boys lives and we both deserve 50/50 custody.

Yes I am hurt and I agree it is her choice to have a new relationship. but I still feel the need to tell her I know what she is doing. Not out of anger but out of love.

Mrbond. I do feel out of control and Maybe I am wrong here. But It sure doesn't feel wrong for wanting to say something.