Separated and on a Walk

[paul19510]

Those are good, although maybe painful realizations.

Keep the focus on you, you can only change you.

thanks Bug. I am continuing to work on me. I spoke with W this morning and told her that I knew that she had been smoking for years, that many others knew and that she lied to me about it for years and asked others (including my D's) to do the same. its not the act iteself but what the act and the cover up symbolized that helped me decide it was time for next steps.

I told W I could not see how to continue to stand for a M where my partner did not seem to value me and was deceitful. I said it was time to move forward. There is not legal separation were I live. I've instructed the L to proceed and to produce a first draft of an agreement as well as file for D.

I absolutely do not want this (I love being a H), but I will not be lied to and bad mouthed to my kids and my community, by someone who claims to care for me.

I know I was not keeping with DB rules, but I told her how much I felt I'd been learning and how I want to continue. I told her I didn't want what was happening and preferred that we simply loved each other and had a wonderful life.

She wants her horses and that's clear. Being married to me has made that more possible for her. Being D'd makes that more difficult (our incomes are very different).

While I like the horses, I feel that kids and family comes first. She has often taken care of the horses and left the rest to me. I can't live like that. I don't want to be alone either. At the moment she lives apart and continues to enjoy all of the benefits of the marriage without any R with me.

In short we see our M from 2 different places. Neither is wrong per se, She wants safety and security. She grudgingly agreed to be a companion to me at times for that. I want a romantic R with her. She's not interested in that. There's nowhere to turn. She said she was conflicted about today's decision, but did not see a way to get along. I reminded her that we had not even tried to be out together or do anything friendly since last summer (that date only lasted 90 minutes and she wouldn't even hold my hand).

Anyway, more work on me. hopefully, I can begin to put some miles in between us now.