I love her... but she doesn't - Desperate

[Barrybran]

I've ordered DB and waiting for it to come eagerly. I also read Sandi2's 37 Rules every day. However I do have one question. One of W's gripes was that I was not around too much (I worked a lot on my computer in my home office), so I did not spend enough time in the family room with her and our D. Is it correct to assume that I should try to spend more time there now? I feel that making myself scarce would be a self-fulfilling prophecy of: "I knew that he wouldn't want to spend time with us..."

I have two living areas in my house and since I don't particularly enjoy my wife's TV shows I used to go to the other room to watch TV or play games. At the time, I didn't know that was a problem. Fast forward to November 2013 my wife drops the bomb and having found this site I go back to the other room to try and help my cause. I had returned from working away from home so my parents were living with us helping out with the kids. Every night I could hear my wife and parents talking and I couldn't understand why she would be so candid with them and cold with me. I wound up moving into the main living area and all of a sudden, my wife started talking to me more.

Don't get me wrong, my wife and I are in a big hole at the moment but my point is that while you are to detach and give your wife time and space, you can detach and give your wife time and space while being in the same room as her. Just being there (but doing your own thing) could prompt her to start conversations with you she couldn't or wouldn't start when you're in another room.

[blinded]

Thanks Barrybran. I think that this is what is happening now to me as well. I am detached and every time she sees me I am smiling and in general showing a good demeanor. I hope that she sees that I'm there now. She does open up conversations, which now are short, granted, but I think they will open up more and more as time goes by.

I wish you best of luck in getting back together with your W.

[AnotherStander]

As I said in my previous post, I felt that we were intruders in her own little world (my D and I)... That's why I felt she had betrayed us.

I wouldn't look at it as betrayal. She's going through something right now, and she doesn't view you in the same way. She needs time and space, and the more you're around the more trapped she'll feel.

and so I felt that it was the time to spend together as a family.

Your feelings and her feelings don't align now. She is not going to meet you halfway either. So YOU have to do all the work. You have to accept her feelings as "right" to her and quit pushing for what you want.

I confronted her on the fact that she was getting more and more distant, and I thought that she was having an EA or PA, but she said that she did not, and that's when I got the first bomb: "I'm not sexually attracted to you at all anymore". This escalated over the next three weeks to the situation we have now.

That makes sense. Many BD's start over some seemingly minor event but end in BD.

However I do have one question. One of W's gripes was that I was not around too much (I worked a lot on my computer in my home office), so I did not spend enough time in the family room with her and our D. Is it correct to assume that I should try to spend more time there now?

This is one of those issues that people really struggle with because on the one hand you're supposed to give her time and space but on the other if you gave her too much space before then this might seem to her like "more of the same" behavior. What I did was while W was still under the same roof was try to show her "what she would be missing" if and when she left. So for example, she complained that we never ate dinner at the table as a family, so we started doing that. People told me not to have expectations, that it probably wouldn't make a difference, and it really didn't. She still left and has never looked back. I don't regret it though, because if I didn't do it, then now I might look back and wish I had. Make sense? Basically I'm saying at times where DB'ing is not clear-cut then go with your heart. If it doesn't work you can always change your approach later, DB'ing is about experimentation.

Mainly I understand now that I was very passive-aggressive. If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't say it, but I would be grumpy while doing it, to show my discontent. Juvenile behavior if you ask me now, and I totally understand it. How do I do a 180 on that though, if she won't ask about doing stuff?

Yeah, that was me too and was one of my W's complaints. My 180 on that was that if I was going to go do something with them then I was going to enjoy myself NO MATTER WHAT. I mean if you're going to commit to being there, do you enjoy yourself more if you're happy and upbeat about it or if you're grumpy? That was actually one of my easiest 180's, everything became a lot more enjoyable with just my change in attitude and that in turn made it easier to keep the change going.

Ask me now about how I should have behaved, and I would say I was a stupid crud. But at the time I did not realize I was hurting her.

I hear you, we all wish we knew! The best we can do is use that to create change in ourselves, become better people.

I want to do 180s on all of these things, but I feel that the opportunity is now gone.

The 180's are for you as much as your W. Do them because it is the right thing to do. Keep at them until they're no longer 180's, but are just part of the new you. Your W will see your 180's, but at first she'll think they're tricks. Eventually she'll realize that you really have changed, but it'll be months from now.

What is the spouse that only a fool would leave?

You already know that Think back about what you did in the M that your W really responded positively to. Think about the things she responded negatively to. Enhance the positives and do 180's on the negatives. Are you a good father? Awesome, but be a GREAT father! You were passive/ aggressive? Show nothing but PMA now. That sort of thing.

[blinded]

AS thanks for the tips. Particularly that last one. My W bought new jeans online and I brought them home to her today. She modeled them for me asking my opinion about them. I actually asked hr to show them to me someing that I never did before... It felt good discussing about how good the jeans looked on her and her smiling back :-)

Anyway after that we had dinner together with our D the table (hadn't had that for about a week) and then I put our D to sleep. We watched a bit of TV together but I didn't initiate any conversation. She told me that she had a headache and she went to bed...

My goal is to manage to get her to smile more to me and later on get her to sleep in the same bed... I know that will be a long time from now (if ever) but I have to keep some longer term goal to work towards...

Thanks for letting me vent a bit... I seriously need it...

[D2ndday]

Ask me now about how I should have behaved, and I would say I was a stupid crud. But at the time I did not realize I was hurting her. Rather, I thought that I was playing "devil's advocate" when we discussed those things, or I thought that I shouldn't take sides between my W and my parents - stupid...

This bit me in the butt. I come from a family that likes to argue. We argue the way you do. My W does not. So when I would take a opposite side on something, she saw that as the way I felt. When the Bomb dropped, she brought some of these conversations up trying to throw them back at me. I tried to explain that I did not really feel those ways. Reminded her, she has seen me and my mother go at it for hours over something "silly" All of this was to help her figure out the pros and cons, and commit to whatever it was or not.

I was a little shocked that she threw it back at me, since to me these were, in my mind, pretty insignificant conversations. Not to her! So, I can relate and in hindsight I would have chosen another approach.

I have to believe there is hope when the W is still in the house. If things were so bad, and if I were in my W shoes, I would leave. You know what I mean. If I was miserable with my spouse, and felt like D was the answer, I would be out. I agree with AS, in that doing those 180's for you, while should be for you, might be good in other ways as well.

[blinded]

There are good days and there are bad days... Today was particularly bad. She told me she wants us to stay in the house until the end of the school year so she won't have to be inconvenienced with arranging rides to school for our daughter. She said we can split in the summer.

She wants us to basically be roommates, her having her own life, and go to do things together with the D sometimes. I'm dying inside because the more I see her the more I feel I love her... and it breaks me...

[blinded]

OK I wasn't very clear. It's not inconvenience, rather she doesn't want other kids at school to find out her dad is not driving her to school anymore. Still, I hate this...

[Bunches]

Hey Blinded, sorry to hear about your sitch. I can relate, being 4 months in. I'm curious if you ever found out how long this has been on her mind. When I talked to my W she had said nearly 2 years off and on. That was a terrible realization.

I'm glad to hear you are managing to stay in the same house while working on your R. I don't know what that is like, my W having taken off the night of BD, it feels like there is little chance to expose changes. I think its important while the sitch is dire, to see how much worse it can get. I've read a lot of others posts where they have a truly uncomprimising, almost hateful R at this point and I think that helps. So keep reading and keep posting. Good luck!

[Roberta]

Looking for a SMILE is a good start. You sound truly motivated to make this relationship work. As long as there's a inkling of hope, divorce busting coaches can do wonders. Please call me to discuss our program 303-444-7004. Take care and keep trying.

[blinded]

I don't think there is hope any more... Bunches my W said that she had been miserable for a long time - at least three years. As for looking for anything, W said that there is no hope for anything. She simply wants to take care of our D and that's it.

She said that I should stop the emotional behaviors and concentrate on the logic of not taking our D's routine and changing it. So her only reason for asking me to stay is because she does not want more people to learn about our switch...

I am in serious pain... A counselor I went to suggested that we take 6-8 weeks. Totally dark, while both of us attending sessions separately. Then we schedule a date to talk about whether there are still feelings left in the tank of each one... anyone here did this?