Wishing You Were Here and then Setting It On Fire

[ericmsant2]

Portia

You're welcome. No sweat about the teenage daughter advice. I do like the duct tape and cold lake idea...especially if it get worse.

I think i would summarize your overall feeling....like you are still grieving on some level and you have not fully begun to embrace the new YOU. Being alone sometimes is okay. Learning to feel comfortable when you are alone is hard. Especially these days. FTR, I may be wrong here. I actually think that deep down inside you know the answers to why you are feeling the way you are.

You say you are "strong willed" - I have no doubt. Is that strong will holding YOU back? Is that strong will keeping you where you are today becuase it is comfortable...because deep down inside you are scared to be "done"? Scared that you have told yourself that once your done..umm...your done.

I actually think that a person can be done today and not be done tomorrow. By this I mean....if 30 years from now, Skippy comes back - a different person. Portia too is a different person. These two different people somohow, some way "connect". Does that make you not done? It could also be that 30 years from now, Skippy is the same or different but Portia is different and therefore does not feel "connected". Neither is wrong if you think about it.

How about this....how about you remove "done" from the equation. Maybe focus more on being at peace with you and happy. You really do not need to decide at that point done or not.

In terms of the "opposite" comment. It happened to me. I am very differnt than the way i was post bomb. In some ways we changed roles. I am more of the caring type. She is more of the cold as ice type. Is either right or wrong? IMO, NO. It is who we both chose to become. I am happy and I hope my ex is.

As for texting skippy - text all you want. At this point it should not matter...ummm...or should it? Let's play this out.

Skippy replies - a one liner. "Thx" - what does that mean?

Skippy replies - more of a sentance. "Thank you very much. I hope you are okay Portia. - What does that mean?

Skippy replies hatefully - "I hate you Portia. Leave me alone".

Skippy replies - "I am with my GF now. Can't talk". What does that mean.

Skippy replies - "I actually am now in love with someone from the boards named ericmsant2" - what does that mean. (This was a joke by the way:)

Skippy does not reply - what does that mean.

My point....is that continuing to even worry about it, overthink it - does not help YOU. It keeps you on the hamster wheel, which is what I think is the bigger issue.

You WANT to be DONE. That's what I think. YOU WANT Skippy not to reply. It is easier isn't it? YOu do not have to make a choice at that point. Or do you?

Portia - IMO, reframe the use of HOPE.

HOPE for things for PORTIA.

HOPE for peace for PORTIA

Remove or put away and do not look at HOPE for Skippy.

HOPE for a more happiness and fun in your life.

'Cause, at the end of the day.....

YOu can choose one thing today.....


and

Another thing tomorrow.

It is our God given right.

Own your choices PORTIA. Once you make them...you will feel better.

Peace,
Eric