Thing I've learned. Now what?

[MrBond]

I'm going to be perfectly honest here.

Much of the reason why you're still in this position is because you haven't changed.

"You have to like yourself for others to feel the same way. I just couldn't believe that someone would love me unconditionally. I'm still working on this, but my W divorcing me hasn't helped."

Reread what you just wrote. "self" esteem relies on one thing. YOUR self. Your W divorcing you doesn't affect this.

"I could never measure up to the standard that she set for me based on how she felt about her friends at work. She said that she never knew how miserable she was until she started socializing with the people where she works now. We had some difficulties as every marriage does, but I don't think I could ever measure up to the good times she had with her friends, even though I know at least some of those friends had marriage problems themselves. One of the things she wanted from me was to converse with her like she did with her friends. I just didn't know how to do that. You can't compete with a fantasy."

What fantasy? From what I read, her friends' relationships seemed healthy and its what all couples go through. For some reason you think this is unreasonable. THIS is the biggest reason why you're getting D'd. You don't change because you don't "believe" it.

"I just couldn't pick up on her subtle communications. Towards the end I was starting to pick up on how she was communicating, but it was too late by then. She could never say anything directly, and it just never filtered through to me that she was saying she was upset. She had years of built up frustration she just didn't want to get past."

This takes time and patience. You were rushing things through and I didn't see where you actually learned how to communicate with her.

"I wasn't engaged enough with the daily life in the household. I made a great turnaround toward the end, but again it wasn't enough. She again bore her dissatisfaction in silence."

She probably said something. Even small comments, or you should have taken her "silence" as dissatisfaction. But you blew it off.

"There was never any chance for me to 'fix' things in reconciliation. As our pastor said, something broker in her sometime in the past, and there was never any chance to fix things."

You continue to put the blame on her. I don't think you realize how much you are personally responsible for.

:I couldn't get her to hold my hand, or even let me know when I did something that bothered her."

All that is you trying to control her. You never stopped trying to control the situation and allow HER a chance to grow.

"Whenever she was asked where she wanted things to go she would just say, "I don't know."

Which was very honest of her. And she probably didn't want to hurt your feelings because you were so clingy.

"Now I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know if I want to give up completely on DB, but I also don't want to just waste my life waiting for something that will never happen."

Let's get something straight here. You HAVEN'T been DB'ing. DB'ing means to change for the better. You see it as some sort of plan or ploy to just get your W back. It's not. It's recognizing the things that hurt your M and changing them. These are LIFE changes. Because you think DB'ing is just to get your W back, your supposed "changes" aren't going to stick. Mainly because you don't believe in what you're doing. YOu don't think you can communicate better, you think her friends' marriages are "fantasies", etc. She GAVE you a roadmap to follow and you didn't want to listen.

"I'm not ashamed to say I'm lonely. I've been that way since the start of our reconciliation."

This is why you are trying to control things.

"I occasionally have lunch with her to talk about the kids and other stuff. I've thought about sharing my revelations I've made about myself, being careful not to criticize her."

Instead of "talking" to her about it, what have you SHOWN her concerning your changes?