Eric, thank YOU for responding. I wish I had some reciprocal advice about teenage daughters for you, but duct tape and a cold lake for bullies is still generally frowned upon.
What does it feel like to be a stranger to myself? I think much of that feeling has to do with the depression, or at least it is not helping. I was actually shocked when I was diagnosed. But, my life after the one year turmoil just does not look the same and I am finding it now that the "adrenaline" is gone which kept me moving this past year, to adjust. Literally the quiet after the pomp of the funeral.
And I have changed. I was a closet rom-com lover and now, all adventure and violence for me. I was very afraid of flying, now I am not. I once loved to go out and meet friends and now I am more likely to isolate myself, which really is not good for me right now. It feels...off. Like when you know that you are coming down with a cold, even though the symptoms haven't manifested yet. Any one else experience this? We are told that the MLCer does this "opposite thing" but I wasn't expecting the LBS to go through it as well.
I am strong willed, but it turns out that I am not always. Know what I did today? I randomly texted Skippy. Just weather related (huge storm here last night). It has been on my mind for some time, so I did it. Worse, if I am honest, it was a test to see if he would answer me. If he doesn't, I am really done and will put him away. Which is really stupid because who didn't think he is done with me a long time ago? You don't ignore someone for six weeks, if you are not done with them.
There has been no response yet. I don't think there will be. In the pit of my stomach, I feel like he has either got back together with GF or found a new one. Those were the previous reasons he vanished.
Other than general stress, there aren't any specific triggers. There are always demands at work and always demands from family.
"Hope", yes. Horrible word. What am I even hoping for? Mostly, I am hoping that I can get to DONE.
