WAW seems confused

[ManHope]

So, how do you handle this?

Now that she has a new job (the one she started after the bomb), that job is demanding. She works even at home prepping material, etc... While that is happening, my schedule is lighter now and even more flexible than it was before die to changes in my work, hence, I am now spending even more time with the kids and being even more involved. I cook bfast almost every day, I cook dinner almost every day, I can run errands mid day if I want to, etc... and yes, she gets home about an hr or so later than I do now. The problem here is that I feel she is starting to resent the fact that I now have more time with the kids than she does. About a month ago she had mentioned I am trying to be super dad and that the kids are ignoring her more now. As the matter of fact, since she said that, I am trying to make sure the kids aren't ignoring her and interacting with her. But I can only do so much. Her new job is demanding and low pay, and I feel the stress on her may even worsen if she does in fact leave to try and make it by herself.

Oh, I wish she can see how things could be if we were back together. I have a list of things I know I can do to help our household (besides my personal changes which I feel are on check now) but I feel like I cannot do anything at this moment (I can't really). I guess its ok to dream. My dream would be: she gets a part time job at our local church or other non demanding job. I help to adjust finances, get rid of my car to cut down costs, as well as take on more responsibility at work to increase my pay. All this I can do. I can even start doing now, but I know she will never say: "Oh yes, that is a great idea, let me change jobs and rely on you." She will never say this as she had said before she is looking to "not rely on anyone." Also, why would I bring more money to the household in our situation?

overall, I wish I had something good to say to her when she acts mad because of me spending time with the kids.

[ManHope]

what do you think?

[trc2009]

You and I are in VERY similar situations.

I hate to say this because I went through this struggle just a few weeks ago. But you have to stop trying to touch her/hug her/kiss her/say you love her.

From what you've said it's pretty clear she's given you signs that she's uncomfortable with all of those things because she doesn't know if it's the truth. To YOU, it's the truth. It doesn't matter how YOU feel in dealing with a W.A.W.

You can be kind without being needy. You can be caring without being needy. Remember, "Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write." Trust me, I know. I went through this from January 1st, 2014 up to February 7, 2014.

Like Sandi's rules say, she's not feeling very loveable at the moment. Especially towards you. Hugging her, telling her how much you care, saying "I love you," are all things that express love.

Now, in terms of mixed signals, I fully understand how that goes. Don't expect that to change soon. BUT, I've been working on the 180 for the last two weeks. We had a heated conversation a week ago (but that was over the arrangement of our separation and not necessarily about our M or R so it probably wasn't a bad thing) but all in all, things have been much better for me personally. I've learned that I am okay with myself and my life. I want her to be in my life forever and want our marriage to last in the worst possible way. But I also had a moment of clarity that told me that life would go on for me without her as well.

She doesn't make as many of the "mixed" comments that she did before I started doing the 180. She hasn't thrown out a "barb" my way about the "future" in 2 weeks. I think she now knows that I'm going to move forward with or without her. For myself obviously, but for our kids as well (they need me to be the stable father that I've always been).

See what I mean? I know that's hard and our situations aren't exactly the same. But I've come to realize that W.A.W.'s think they know exactly what they need to be happy. The reality is they don't. Again, back to Sandi's rules. "Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior." A W.A.W. doesn't want to break up the family. They will feel absolute guilt over this fact (unless they don't care about how it will impact their children and if that's the case who would want to be married to someone like that?). Hence the mixed signals.

Keep posting.

[AnotherStander]

The problem here is that I feel she is starting to resent the fact that I now have more time with the kids than she does. About a month ago she had mentioned I am trying to be super dad and that the kids are ignoring her more now.

Welcome to WAS-think. Either you don't spend enough time with the kids, or you spend too much, or you're too middle-of-the-road. No matter what you do she will paint it in a bad light. Do it for YOU and the KIDS, not her.

As the matter of fact, since she said that, I am trying to make sure the kids aren't ignoring her and interacting with her.

Do not intervene. Her relationship with the kids is HER responsibility. When you try to intervene even for the right reasons, it'll just make her resent your efforts.

My dream would be: she gets a part time job at our local church or other non demanding job. I help to adjust finances, get rid of my car to cut down costs, as well as take on more responsibility at work to increase my pay. All this I can do. I can even start doing now, but I know she will never say: "Oh yes, that is a great idea, let me change jobs and rely on you." She will never say this as she had said before she is looking to "not rely on anyone."

You're right, what she wants is independence, and what you describe above is the opposite. She will loathe the idea.

[trc2009]

Her job CANNOT have any influence from you. She will feel like you're trying to control what she does.

My wife is currently getting into the job market after being out for 4 years. It won't be easy for her to find something. I could probably guide her to 3 or 4 places that would probably hire her on and would be good paying jobs. But she would feel like I'm trying to control what she's doing.

And it's the same with your wife. Do not even suggest she do anything in terms of her job. That's 100% on her. She has to be the one to look for it and she has to be the one to make a decision on whether to take it. Let her bring up the subject of her finding a job. Let her come to you with news, questions, input. Don't ask her anything. When she does, then engage in supportive conversation. Don't say "have you considered the job at the church instead?"

[ManHope]

Thanks guys!
What about the financial situation?
I know I can bring more in to the household but I am afraid to get an increase at this stage of the game (remember that I own my own business). I rather have just enough to cover expenses instead of thinking about increasing my income now. We are basically paycheck to paycheck now since she took on a lower paid job right at the time of the Bomb. Since we didn't event talk around that time, her pay cut was surely going to get us pay to to paycheck. We are now seeing it on our accounts. We have enough to survive but not extra to save or pay off cards faster (which is what she wants to do asap).

[ManHope]

BTW, I mentioned the financial stuff because this is causing her stress (she does the bills). I suggested to help her and all she said "we just need more money" -- so, since we had some family events, I drew a little more to cover as a bonus but you get my reluctancy.

[trc2009]

The question of you bringing in more money is a question for an attorney. Obviously that could have an impact if you guys do get divorced and you're "showing" a greater income.

I wouldn't make ANY major financial decisions right now. If you can survive on what you have now, I'd recommend doing that for the time being until you consult with an attorney. If things improve over the next several months and you can speak to your W about it without having to consider the M, then that would be a good time to do it. If in a couple months from now she does file for divorce, then obviously you will have consulted with an attorney to get his/her advice on your income sitch.

Why does she want to pay the cards of ASAP? Is this something new or has she always wanted to pay them off quickly? The reason for asking is whether or not she wants that type of debt hanging over her if she has to be self-sufficient? In other words, improving her "safety net."

[ManHope]

She had mentioned after the bomb she wanted to work to pay off as much credit as she can to improve her chances of living when divorced.

[trc2009]

I've heard the EXACT.....SAME.....THING ManHope.

Paying down joint debt makes sense, but don't do it JUST for her benefit. Do what makes financial sense for both of you....not just her.