oh mannnnn - been v. darn busy- two kids in the afternoon is wearing me out. poorlittle older girl wants to be the baby- and poor little baby wants to be bigger. there's no justice is there? everyone is always chasing their tail wanting the thing they don't have. i used to feel soooo lucky (well, still do - sort of) to be a person who was grateful for what i had- "had" being the opertive word i guess now.
anyway- think i'll get girl only and we can paint or do soemthing requiring some patience. she kills herself being wacky( i'm gussing her way of "competing") she loves her brother- but it's certainly something there-
i do get it- babies require "more" so seem to get "more" - i'm gonna tor4ture her with hugs and peeps til she begs for mercy. ta da- we got some serioyus "big girl junk to do".
ANYWAY- WILL BE WELL- OH MAN -= - THE TRYING to be better with being kinder, etc. and DETACHING. one wonders if we know them, know of them, see them, etc. - will be EVER be totally DETACHED - ENOUGH??? I'M LOTS more not wounded than before- i'm not all CURED THO- I'M NOT ALLLL NEUTRAL THO. I'M STILL NOW AND THEN immersed in anger and resentment.
had big ole 'CHAT with my good buddie down here- she makes me laugh-it's very the4raputic and then there are the stories of her mess of a first marriage - back a million years ago- it helps- but then, in the middle of the night- i think the junk we discuss lingers on in my head and comes to life- ta da- a sleep deprived night- ensuing ratty day.
oh well- i guess it's fun to laugh and talk about it5 - get it out. i have to stop it tho- i have to either put it all behind me or get the heck out5. can't seem to do the latter yet- asusual- still working on it. the DECISION. live "like this" or run away.
can't seem to get past the total mess of a sitch with my mom- here care, etc. the sister sitch with everyone shooting out their big old opinions and "how it should be dones" , UH HEM- to me of course- since it's ALLLL MY JOB.
SO FAR- i'm here in fl- far away. have talked to mom- she's doing okay. i get panicked sometimes up there with iti n my face and in my hands alllllllll the time , every minute of every day- and it begins to take over and consume me. i know i need to detach from that too, alot, but it's one thing to know it- it's another by far to see someone in need and walk past that. i cannot seem to. duty, obligation,c aring? guilt- all of the above. i am sooooo not good at this junk-
here's me- i care- it's total. i don't or am trying not to- it's (try8ng to be) total. I am failing at that , btw, but i'm trying.
i thought i had alot of self control in life- i can see tht i can use a world more. or i have to get right away from the sources of irritation. how to capture total control - while immersed in total sh!tstorm of obligation, confusion,e tc.]
YAY- HA!! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS ALLLLL CURED AND SERENE-
NO MAAM.
portia -
Quote:
(Then why can't I let go!!??)
oh man- again - do i ever feel your quandry here. why indeed. me too- i cannot abide notion oft his stinkin ow being in my life with "us" forever. which is exactly what it is/was. the stinking notion that my entire life has been a f'ing pos, lie, delusion on my part. how dare he. isn't that quaint and insane - how dare he??? i find myself thinking it.
WHAT sort of person does that to someone else- not a good one. i can find a bunch of good qualities- perhaps tho, they are merely borne of not caring? (lack of jealousy, generousity (maye only protecting his "investment" and intends to f'ing fleece3 me and get his money back? idk-
without the LOVE FILTER THERE in my head and heart - which used to be firmly in place across the board- sisters, mother, h, i am not able to get "EVEN' AGAIN. just now. ihate it- i do not approve of it- i am trying to ride it out and keep it hidden because- truly- it's counter productive and perhaps not true- tho, perhaps it is quite true. can't even figure that one out.
i am soo frustrated today. up til yesterday's "can of worms" conversation- i was doing okay. pleasant trip down=- h being pleasant to be around- the occasional actual touch - nothing major- jsut more than before. idk- i have no idea what in the world i even have in mind here-
i do not expect him to change and be a better person. i don't think i beliee anymroe this is something new or tempoerary- it hink he's alwasy been a giant selfish rat and i never ever tumbled to it. i think he and everyone in the world almost i know is total self-oriented users of jerkboats like me- SEEE, WHT A CHILDISH and rotten attitude.
it's just too many important people dead or attached in this "me against the world" feeling i get sometimes. i'm not doing anhything major because i can't even fiture ou56 what the heck is going on with me being at war with e3veryone in the world.
boy oh boy- dashed hopes, dreams, heart & favorite delusions is a tough nut to cra k.
ta da- i am still alive tho, i still am grateful to hear from you guys- i hjope you're all well and chugging along. i hope you're rite portia- that we'll get past this someday - soemtime.
i swear- some days i think i will never be albe to just walk away from this guy -
oh well- shoveing that back into the back caves of my brain and not going there. now, if i could keep that rock over the cave opening at night- i'd be in good shape.
i'll push this off til i know what the heck is going on with my mother- i know she'll never get younger or "better"- i think we have a way to go tho- in that sitch- and i guess i am stuck in it somehow til she's gone.
i am able to visit and participate and lug her to the hospi6al and do what i have to m,, in day to day life with a 89 year old anghry woman who can be nice about 1/10 of the time- and feels compelled to complain and express her anger, paranoia, criticism, etc. the rest ot he t ime=- to me particularly, but it's slow going. i feel old and it makes me dread old age and makes me feel like too much negativeism and death in my face.
death of r, death of her (one of these years, days, weeks) , death of my sister 2008 - death of h's dad & aunt last year-
it's wierd that it makes me happy and grateful to be alive and well- and also at same time makes me feel used up and ancient and worn out.
oh well- onward today - sew a doll skirt and do something fun- good luck guys-
xxoo thanks for being out there- hear car pulling up- i'm outta here- nobody looking over my s houlder ...
i am, btw, being very neutral and nice but aloof alot of the time- own activities, not needy or wanna come? ish - i am gal slowly- it may not be the one i want- but i'm workin on it.
i don't know how the heck long i can stay this course. i think h thinks this will "work for him" forever.
i will not make it6 forever- like you guys- i do deserve more and i'd like some love and affe tion please - and not from ONLY a dog. or pet. they're good - but not good enough. ya gotta wonder if we get stuff just cause we want it- or if there's a certain "allotment" one gets in life of happiness- and then gotta suck it up and be am iserable specimen (like my mom) til you die. i hope not- i'm voting on there being something we can do to help ourselves and if we don't wanna be a miserable old sock- we don't have to. now, wher4e did i leave my g"surething guide to true happiness" book - yeah - rite.
