Continue to show him he has no power over your behavior, stay calm in whatever you choose to say or do. And do not be like him and try to control in return. He sees that you're level headed and thinking smartly he wants to throw you off and get you thinking from a place of emotion to do what he wants....do not give him the satisfaction.
I want to do that, but I will admit that I am pretty concerned about this. I can't stop him from saying or doing whatever he wants, I know that. But I am really disturbed and worried that he would use our kids to get at me.
What if he does go that route, and tells them whatever he is going to tell them, and then blames it on me. Then what do I do? I can eat it, or I can tell them Daddy is lying? Uggghhhhhhhh.
He's a real a-hole.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Just my opinion but the better parent is proven out by being the one to not put the kids in the middle. Even if he does tell them something not right, if you tell them he is a lyer you would only be continuing to put them in the middle.
I know thats not fair, but I've experienced that from my own parents and can honestly say 30 years later, my mother was the bigger person.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I don't think the kids need to b told. He moved out in November. Do they think he was abducted? Serving abroad? Is he a Navy Seal? The kids know.
Do you feel guilty about filing for S?
The kids know that we are separated. We told them that. There is no reason to tell them that I filed to make it legal, and my H must know that.
No, I don't feel guilty at all. I filed to protect my kids and myself, and I think that was 100% the correct decision, based on how pissed my H is about the injunction.
I did not file for D because I don't want to get D. I decided that could be H's decision.
While I think there were manipulations in his email (wanting You to feel guilty really is a tad hilarious. And I do know what that word means...) I think we're past using this for any value in forward movement.
Thing is, I do not believe he put a lot of thought into it. It's an emotional sideswipe he took at you, with a minute's thought, at most. Why not? HE felt upset...BUT
This is already taking too much of your time and energy. The five minutes this topic deserved, given how utterly goofy and silly a$$ed it is, was plenty...
let's move on...back to YOU, Mel!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"I'll take that as a no. Just as a heads up, I'm planning on discussing with them this weekend. "
WTF? Um. No. That's a convo we all have together.
THIS^^ is what you tell him, i.e. " a convo we all have together..., "as per the child T" I have spoken with (hope this is true soon)
Oh & btw, H, that^^ is ONE reason I did not tell them. Plus, what's to tell? Besides, the SEP I filed for was merely a legal reflection of their reality. The DIVORCE is what I presume You are handling. ??
Will you be telling them about that, too? Just so I know."
Melissa, consider those ^^ And look below to see if you like the following, but get input!
"I think it's important we not pretend their lives will be all the same or that this is not going to be hard on them. Of course I won't stress that, but To the extent I can, I will keep as many factors in their lives, the same as possible."
and maybe even this...
"I feel "we" have to acknowledge our sense of failure for the kids, or at least our regret b/c this is turning their lives upside down. And as much as we tell ourselves "kids are resilient, adults are on a journey of self discovery..."
I think we both know that's^^ just plain backwards. WE are resilient adults, and KIDS are on their journeys of self discovery..."
Any ideas of what to say without going into "don't F with my kids or I will kill you" mode?
See above^^ and learn to "radiate from within" things like "Don't f with my kids or..." b/c it is effective yet difficult to be attacked for b/c it's all non verbal... I think your h is trying ME patience...hang in there Melissa!
We are all pulling for you!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am popping in for a brief time. To borrow from one of Bet's gems, your H is a "dickwad."
Here's a suggested response to H:
"H, I don't appreciate you trying to put words into my mouth. This is between us and should be handled like adults. If you wish to discuss our separation with the children, we must come to an agreement on what we will say to them together in the same room. The reason for this is to avoid confusing them and what we will tell them needs to be age appropriate."
Isn't it your children who still think that H is coming back home in May, right? If so, then you need to make it clear to H that he needs to say this to the children himself! Keep your mouth zipped on this particular matter.
After giving this some more careful thought, I'm going to give you some options:
#1:
"H, I don't appreciate you trying to put words into my mouth. This is between us and should be handled like adults. If you wish to discuss our separation with the children, we must come to an agreement on what we will say to them together in the same room. The reason for this is to avoid confusing them and what we will tell them needs to be age appropriate." #2:
"H, you need to realize that I do have a busy schedule and am not able to respond to you in a timely manner. This is between us and should be handled like adults. If you wish to discuss our separation with the children, we must come to an agreement on what we will say to them together in the same room. The reason for this is to avoid confusing them and what we will tell them needs to be age appropriate."
#3:
"H, you need to realize that I do have a busy schedule and am not able to respond to you in a timely manner. If you wish to discuss our separation with the children, we must come to an agreement on what we will say to them together in the same room. The reason for this is to avoid confusing them and what we will tell them needs to be age appropriate. This is based on the therapist's general recommendation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If it were me, I'd go with either option 1 or 2. If there is no therapist, I'd go with #2.
I have spoken with a PsyD who specializes in kid issues specifically with D, and I have shared his thoughts with my H. This was back in October. My children have not seen anyone yet, though I have a few names of people they can see when the time comes, which I imagine will be whenever they learn that Dad actually isn't coming home in May after all. I have offered it to them a few times and they don't seem too interested at the moment, I imagine because they think this will all be resolved in a few months.
My H is not dumb or clueless about this stuff - he knows damn well how important it is to discuss first and speak with the children together. When he wanted to move out, and it was necessary to talk with the kids, he was all about "putting the children first" and we spent some time planning the what, when and where of that conversation. I wonder if that convo went so well in his eyes (both kids immediately turned into Daddy worshippers) that he thinks this one will go just as well.
It's not just the fact that he would have this conversation without me that makes me think he is being a jerk on purpose - it's the suggestion that he plans to discuss "my filing" with them. It sure seems like he is trying to instigate something.
Dickwad is a pretty good description. I might add some more adjectives in front of it, though.
This convo is over text, and I feel like I should keep the initial reaction as short, simple and non-combative as possible (even though I can think of many choice words for him right now) . . . .
What about,
I have not told them anything, since (1) my filing merely reflects the reality of the current situation, which they are already well aware of; and (2) as we have discussed previously, and is made clear in the book we both read as well as the child psychologist I have spoken with, any discussion with the children about the status of our marriage and the ensuing changes in their lives should be discussed between the two of us first, and then presented by us together.
I REALLY want to say "I hope you won't let your childish, asinine desire to piss me off hurt your children," but I won't.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I am going to give you some homework, honey. Yes, you're not done with school yet! There may be a pop-quiz in the horizon.
Your homework here is to borrow the Wonka magnifying glass and take an objective, critical look at the draft response. Think about how I would improve on this. Take out the red pen and make your comments. Talk it out here with your "pretend-Wonka" thinking cap on. You got this.
I have not told them anything, since (1) my filing merely reflects the reality of the current situation, which they are already well aware of; and (2) as we have discussed previously, and is made clear in the book we both read as well as the child psychologist I have spoken with, any discussion with the children about the status of our marriage and the ensuing changes in their lives should be discussed between the two of us first, and then presented by us together.