my wife left, but still lives with me #2/continued

[tough spot]

I am at work and am in a pretty good mood. The closer it gets to quitting time and I have to go home I become more depressed! How backwards is that from what it should be It is like the situation [censored] the life energy from me.

Does anyone have any tricks to try to keep a PMA around one's WAS?

[juliegayle]

Hi have been reading your thread off and on because the title describes my sitch as well. My h only talks about d in a vague distant way but he feels we are definitely separated.

I have no great advice just wanted to commiserate. I am sitting in a cafe because I couldn't bear the thought of goung home yet. Tonight is h night with s so I will plan on being home right before s goes to bed and then we will all head to our separate rooms. (And then I will come out and take care of all the animals!)

The only thing that helps is detachibg. It is still a work in progress. When ever h gets really mean I just tune hin out say "ok whatever" (to myself) and walk away. He actually has been a little nicer ever since he has seen that his tirades have no effect on me.

Good luck tonight

[nit84]

tough,

When I am at home and around My WAW it is also tough to keep a PMA but TBH I just think that if I am around her and I am at home then she is not somewhere else with somebody else.

This is my chance to validate or empathize with my W if we actually interact.

I feel like if we are both there at any moment we may get one step closer to R. I know that sounds a bit silly but it keeps me positive and allows myself to think that I am doing something to try to save my M.

@Julie,

Just a quick question do you walk away from your H when he gets mean because you feel you might say something that will start an unwanted argument and it is better to walk away?

The reason I ask is, and I am totally guessing here, Maybe if you could stick around and realize that all WAS are going to react negatively towards the LBS. That way his meaness doesn't affect you as much and you may be able to validate and empathize with his position.

With the result being good because you Listened to him instead of tuning him out and validated his feelings.

I apologize if I am off base with my thoughts and I misunderstood what you were trying to say and offered unsolicited opinions.

[juliegayle]

Nit84. In response to your question. . In the beginning I did stay and listen and try to validate. Now very rarely does ny h say anything worth responding to. I have donethelot if work over the past 5 months. I do stay and listen to the point where his anger spewing becomes mean and unproductive (insulting my appearance, religion and family) or just plain random (I am not allowed to pet his dog that I take care og 75% Of the time) those are the times I tune him out.

I wish I had more opportunities to validate but we are not there right now.

Thanks for your input. I will try to find your thread to see where you are in this journey.

Tough- sorry for the "all about me post"

[Azagtoth]

I am at work and am in a pretty good mood. The closer it gets to quitting time and I have to go home I become more depressed! How backwards is that from what it should be It is like the situation [censored] the life energy from me.

Does anyone have any tricks to try to keep a PMA around one's WAS?

Tough,

I get you on this one, as I am sure many do. To be honest, you literally just have to act "as if" and get yourself to this mental state.

I felt the exact same way you do as far as coming home; the dread and wondering what kind of mood she was in. As said previously; the best thing you can do is detach. Don't let her mood dictate yours. It's hard at first, but once you get into a routine, it gets easier. You GAL plays a big part in this; at least it do for me. Some suggestions that worked for me:

- If you dread coming home right away; then don't! Do something after work that relaxes you or lets the stress off. I am a member of our local VFW so I stop in occasionally, have a beer, BS with the other vets, shoot some pool, whatever, then go home. Hit the gym after work and hit it hard; exercise is a great stress relief and healthy for you! Plus, you get the benefit of getting in good shape!

- When you do get home; don't worry about where she is. Do your own thing: have dinner; read a book; etc. I play guitar and just got into archery, so, I'll go play music for a while or head out in the back yard and launch some arrows for an hour or two.

- If the wife is out in the house, greet her with a smile and ask how her day went! if she responds, look her in the eye, pay attention; be interested. If she asks about yours; tell her about it! If not; no big deal. Keep those small chit chat things as positive as possible and be interested as possible. If she gets angry or confrontational; validate and refuse to argue; walk away!

- If she goes off into her own space; let her! when she is somewhere else, you don't have to project the PMA to her and gives your room to breathe and a break from the tension. Go do your own thing! GAL!!!!!!

I know it's all been said before but it's about all you can do. Maybe others can pop in with suggestions!

Good luck and hang in there!


Azagtoth

[nit84]

Julie,

My thread is afraid I have waited too long. Sorry no Idea how to post a thread.

Sounds like we are both in about same position at the moment.

Tough, sorry to hack your thread.

Stay strong!!

[nit84]

Julie,

My thread is "afraid I have waited too long." Sorry no Idea how to post a thread.

Sounds like we are both in about same position at the moment.

Tough, sorry to hack your thread.

Stay strong!!

[tough spot]

Hack away nit and julie.....group effort here!

[zew]

your sitch is similar to mine. Don't know what to expect when I come through the door - usually minor chit chat, maybe dinner, maybe not. Then after dinner she goes to bedroom to read. Gives me all evening with kids.
You have to detach. All that means is you still have PMA, you are still friendly, but you've unhitched your wagon from her roller coaster. The sticks she pokes at you don't work anymore.

[tough spot]

So I was going to stick with the LRT but during my counseling session yesterday my counselor suggested I bring up this topic with my WAW. Basically my wife and i had had a conversation several weeks ago about if she felt 'safe' talking to me about in depth subjects.

Like I wasn't trying to solve her problems, I wasn't critical of her speaking about a certain subject, basically that she felt safe she could openly share with me. My wife said yes she felt fine. So the counselor stated it seems odd if that is really true that I am so left in the dark as to what my wife is thinking.

So last night I asked her if she did indeed feel safe talking to me why don't we have more in depth conversations. She reiterated that she did feel safe and really had nothing to talk about. Pretty much a dead end.

So then i snoop a bit and read a portion of a converation with a friend of hers. In it she calls me 'The Crazy Guy Who Lives Here'. She goes on to say that 'the crazy guy got mad that i dont want to have in depth discussions with him, i don't even want to have clipped conversations with him'. I wasn't mad, more sad, I didn't say anything when she told me she didn't have anything to talk about....I just walked away.

So anyway, the conflict in ideas from the counselor versus the DB principles....in this case I should have stuck with the DB idea of the LRT. So back to that. Just a glimpse into the life of a 'crazy guy'.

I am crazy i think because I am reading self help books and against us getting a divorce. I am kind of amazed at how little this situation compares to our past disagreements. No yelling, no snide remarks, not much instigating of conversation about R by me. Huge differences but apparently not quite enough to break through the wall she has built.

So back to LRT I go