Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I feel like I'm in a bit of a stalemate as far as my wife is concerned recently. I've been at my job for a week and a half and I'm really enjoying it. It's nice to go home at the end of the day feeling like you've done something. My morning routine is great as I have time to myself and I'm still working on my afternoon routine with the gym, kids, shopping, dinner, homework, baths and bed all to be slotted in my daily afternoon/evening schedule.

My wife and I are getting along ok. We're civil but I don't really know where things stand. She talks to me about her day and tells asks my opinion of things but there's no feeling that I can tell and it's become awkward when I'm physically near her, like it was around Christmas. I'm trying to think of what happened that turned things around in January but I'm still listening, validating and doing my own thing and I can't just start up a new relationship talk to get her to vent. My parents are still here and I'm hoping that when they go, she'll feel more relaxed. It happened that way when they disappeared briefly late in January so it's just a wait and see game at the moment. I am looking forward to having a bed of my own but I'm hoping my wife does open up more when my folks are gone.

[Lostforwords]

Patience B.....keep working on getting a life. The rest will fall into place when it is ready, not when you rush it or look for it.

[Barrybran]

Not much life to work on here lol. I am contemplating a trip out of town to find some roses for the garden when I can get away; probably the weekend after this one. The local nursery is kinda crap. I'm also on the lookout for some cheap chairs I can buy and refinish but again, that's going to be a mission given where we live. There are a few things in the works so patience is the word of the month for everything, not just my wife.

[Lostforwords]

Are you looking for indoor and out door chairs? Adirondack chairs are a great project for getting out of your mind for a few days....plus they are super comfortable.

[Barrybran]

Dining chairs. My wife wants a white table and ours needs resurfacing. She wants new chairs too because the faux leather we have is too hard to clean with the kids' mess. I was thinking of finding some cheap chairs to resurface and matching the table.

[Lostforwords]

Ahhh....That makes sense. I have a faux leather ottoman. Even though my kids are older, boy do they make the thing an absolute mess.

I have homework for you....Go read up (in newcomers) on a poster called recruit. See the issues EXTREME co-dependency cause. Show him that even though things aren't perfect in your relationship, that following DB does start to work, but just takes time.

By the way...your post on detachment to another poster was excellent. It is good to see you are learning.

[Barrybran]

Cheers. I haven't been able to add much to other' situations but if I see something I can help with I will. I appreciate the help I've received and I'd like to be able to pass it on.

[Barrybran]

Thanks for leading me to that thread LFW. I'm only about two pages in but I may be able to help out.

Journaling:

There's a bit of poetic justice in working so early and being out of the house before the school rush starts. I've chased the kids on my own for so long now my wife has to step in and do it off a morning. I still do the bulk of the afternoon and evening lifting as far as the kids are concerned and I she seems unimpressed that she has to do the mornings but deep down I believe this is good for us. Spread the workload, more money coming into our household and we spend less time around one another while still having plenty of time to see each other at day's end.

[Barrybran]

Where does everyone stand regarding courtesy with their spouses? Tonight, my wife invited a co-worker, a young girl who has had some problems that my wife has been like a big sister to, around for dinner. I don't have a problem with this. It's dinner, she's a nice girl and my wife is entitled to live her life as she pleases. I do have an issue with the fact that this girl has just followed my wife home and my wife hadn't mentioned anything to me about it. Again, I don't have an issue with my wife inviting someone around for dinner but I feel as though courtesy should still apply as it's my house as well as my wife's.

I had another minor incident I wasn't sure how to address. After work today I popped into my wife's workplace to ask if she needed anything from the shops. She said we didn't as she had done the shopping the previous day. She has been on me lately for grabbing groceries daily rather than weekly however we've not run out of many items since I've been home and done a daily shop. I went home, found some items we actually needed and waited for my wife to come home.

When she arrived home I asked again if she needed anything and told her I was going to the shop. She said she didn't and I clarified again. I went to the shop, returned home and my wife said she needed some tomato paste as the stuff she had bought the day before was out of date and she hadn't checked it. This is where I got confused. I could have just said nothing and done it. I could have expressed my feelings about her lack of attention to detail and organisation as she has told me to express my feelings recently. Not knowing how to handle it I went for the middle ground, told her I had asked if she needed anything (maybe with a slight "you f-ed up" look on my face) and left for the shop again.

As I said, this was minor but I feel that it was quite an important interaction as I could have made things better or worse with a simple task. Does anyone have an opinion on how I could handle situations like these in the future?

[Lostforwords]

B,

Have you heard the term "Don't sweat the small stuff, because everything is small stuff". You really have to decide what is important to your life and what is important to you, but not that big in life. Let's take the friend for dinner....Now you would accept that no problem, but you are bothered by the fact your wife didn't mention it. So if we stepped a bit further away from the situation, that she didn't tell you was really small stuff. You would have accepted the friend coming over either way, so the outcome doesn't change. Also as a side note, it sounds like your wife is trying to help a co-worker in a tough time....Not a bad thing. I think for now you let it slide.......if it becomes a nightly thing, then maybe bring it up.

Now shopping....First you do know that shopping daily tends to lead to higher weekly shopping bills then shopping once a week right? I also get the feeling from how you presented the situation that you sounded a bit OCD and controlling. Skip the earlier part of the situation......as things are almost always forgotten at the store (hence making good shopping lists is an excellent activity). I use an app on my phone (actually the one I have....multiple phones can hook to one list...so an entire household has the same list)and this could help with that issue. Once the wife came home....You should have just said you are going to the store to get a few things that you were out of. End of story....You had already asked her if something was needed and she said no. End of conversation. As for the bad tomato paste.....well that is just bad luck. A live and learn type experience....as I have been there, done that.

So maybe now that you have thought about it....Think about how to deal with the shopping situation. You might mention that you were frustrated with multiple trips to the store. Validate your wife's feelings of going just once a week....and then come up with ways to make shopping once a week a reality. Work with her...not on individual paths, but a compromise were things get done.

Make sense?