Well the the big D is coming soon. We've just got to get some paperwork to go through on some of the finances and property, and that's about it. I've had a lot of time to reflect on some things in the last few months. I think I was a bit obsessive about it, but I'm sure most on here can understand that.
1. My W leaving me had little to do with my depression. Sure it was part of it, but it was a communication break-down that started years ago.
2. My lack of self-esteem hurt my marriage. Thanks to someone on here that recommended "No More Mister Nice Guy" I saw how destructive that was. Not only to me, but also to our marriage. You have to like yourself for others to feel the same way. I just couldn't believe that someone would love me unconditionally. I'm still working on this, but my W divorcing me hasn't helped.
3. I could never measure up to the standard that she set for me based on how she felt about her friends at work. She said that she never knew how miserable she was until she started socializing with the people where she works now. We had some difficulties as every marriage does, but I don't think I could ever measure up to the good times she had with her friends, even though I know at least some of those friends had marriage problems themselves. One of the things she wanted from me was to converse with her like she did with her friends. I just didn't know how to do that. You can't compete with a fantasy.
4. I just couldn't pick up on her subtle communications. Towards the end I was starting to pick up on how she was communicating, but it was too late by then. She could never say anything directly, and it just never filtered through to me that she was saying she was upset. She had years of built up frustration she just didn't want to get past.
5. I wasn't engaged enough with the daily life in the household. I made a great turnaround toward the end, but again it wasn't enough. She again bore her dissatisfaction in silence.
6. There was never any chance for me to 'fix' things in reconciliation. As our pastor said, something broker in her sometime in the past, and there was never any chance to fix things. He doesn't think she consciously had made up her mind, but he's pretty convince she did. I couldn't get her to hold my hand, or even let me know when I did something that bothered her. Whenever she was asked where she wanted things to go she would just say, "I don't know."
Now I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know if I want to give up completely on DB, but I also don't want to just waste my life waiting for something that will never happen. I'm not ashamed to say I'm lonely. I've been that way since the start of our reconciliation. It's also been 2 years since I've had sex, or even been touched by someone in that way.
I occasionally have lunch with her to talk about the kids and other stuff. I've thought about sharing my revelations I've made about myself, being careful not to criticize her. I wouldn't do it for her, but for some reason I feel like I need to explain to her. Don't know if it's a good idea, or if it really matters anymore.
