That verbal bullying was hard to prove, so they would have to "wire" him to punish, and at best the offending student would receive a 3 day suspension if caught.
When his name was given, we were told that they were "aware" of this type of behavior from this particular student, and that he had been disciplined on many occasions already.
Eventually, the emails went un-returned, the messages went unanswered, or that particular teacher/counselor wasn't "in" that day. One cannot enter a public school now without having an "appointment". When I would hear from them, it was always in the form of support. They would say that they watched this, or kept an ear tuned in on this area during this time. All of which was BS from what I would hear later.
One thing you can demand...the bully is allowed no where near your child. You have the right to insist they are not together in ANY class, lunch period, recess, etc... If they don't comply, threaten legal action. You may not have "evidence" of this bully's antics, but the school admitted he has proved to be trouble before. That's all you need. Threatening legal action is usually enough to get them moving. In addition, verbal abuse with threats is criminal behavior. Anything like, "I'm gonna kill you" or something of that nature, tell the school you will consider pressing charges.
School systems are paralyzed right now by the fear of legal action. Use this to your advantage. My two cents.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
i recently found out my nephew was a cutter, brought on by bullying. same basic situation, school was told repeatedly, they knew and did nothing. and he had always been a very confident, strong willed kid.
eventually he dropped out with his parents blessing and is now finishing HS online.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
My 2 cents worth...The answer lays in how you want to parent? What are you goals? How do you want to define your relationship with Toria?
For me...I run a house that is much more lax than most. Overall I don't tell the kids what to do....Put I do set what my expectations are for them each day. Certain chores to be done, homework done, etc. What my goal, as a parent, is to raise kids who know what the right decision is. I won't always be there to protect them...so they need to know the difference between right and wrong. Now that doesn't mean I ignore the realities of what is going on in their age groups...as we discuss the consequences that every action or activity may result in.
That said....I agree with keeping her home and not telling her mother. You need to be the rock she knows is there for her. It doesn't matter how trivial we think the issue is...We need to validate and provide the realm of security that they can count on as they grow up. As they grow up...they need to face their hardships on there own, but knowing we are there for them no matter what is the key IMHO.
As for the current situation...Yeah...Know that one. In my situation, we discussed the friends motives, etc...and then I let Courtney decide if she wanted to continue the friendship. She ended the friendship (and a couple more since). She made the decision that people who behave in this manner....aren't really friends. I did keep an eye on the situation (if it had escalated I would have stepped in), but she handled it herself.
Now Dylan was a lot more fun....Asperger's boy that he is. With Dylan, my experience was a lot more like Mach's. They school kept saying it was Dylan....He was the problem....and "if" he was being bullied it was Dylan's fault. It went as far as the other boy's parents were called to the school.....and it was all Dylan.
Eventually Dylan and I developed a bullying escape plan....which the school admin's did not like. Dylan was put in a small group with three of his biggest problem peers (something that I had discussed with the admin would not happen) and Dylan ended up putting the plan into action....and got in trouble because of it. Now Dylan escaped the bullying and this time there was a twist. Instead of the bullying turning into a fight, etc....Dylan could not be blamed for fighting (the second person is always the one who started it) because he walked away. Then another student stepped up and backed up Dylan's story of what was being said to him. The other students were suspended and since then....Dylan hasn't reported a single bullying instance.
So Dylan changed how he reacted to the bullies. In the past he would get in a fight, nobody would believe his story, and he would get suspension of some sort. By being at his back and showing him a different reaction to his problem....Dylan knew I would be there for him.
Hey Eric...sorry your D is going through something! It is a tough age! Hope she opens up to you soon!
BD-Aug 2009 OW Confirmed H moves out Dec 2009 D filed by H-Mar 2010 H asks to come home April 2011 BD AGAIN 1-15-2014! H seeing FOW! H ran away again! 1-18-2014
I know that bulling is a big issue these days. That said, I do not want to fix this for Toria but I am really not sure what to do. I asked Toria if she had spoken to her mom about it. She said she has not. I asked her if she planned to. She said no and asked me not to saying anything to her mom about it.
Quote:
As for the current situation...Yeah...Know that one. In my situation, we discussed the friends motives, etc...and then I let Courtney decide if she wanted to continue the friendship. She ended the friendship (and a couple more since). She made the decision that people who behave in this manner....aren't really friends. I did keep an eye on the situation (if it had escalated I would have stepped in), but she handled it herself.
That's exactly how I would have handled it. Heck, that is how I have handled similar. My philosophy is that I'm helping my child become an adult and to learn how to handle siutations such as this. There will be more. I take the approach that you can't avoid things, so it's better for all concerned if you learn to navigate through them.
My first teen didn't learn that very well. We're divorced now But my other two learned it well and practice that often with good success.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mach, Gabbymom23, Lois, CW, AJM, KenF, LFW, Mirage and Rick1963.
Thank you all for your responses! I am so blessed to have so many people respond on my thread and provide suggestions.
I am aware of scenarios where my own feeling may not allow me to see certain things – so I come here looking for an objective views, which all of you have provided. In the case of Toria, she is my youngest and only girl, so I knew my emotion were going to play a role. Thanks to all of you. I was able to step back, read comments and then make choices that were objective and applicable to me. From the bottom of my heart – thank you.
That said, here is what I decided to do....
I spoke with Toria yesterday, she was still somewhat quiet and really did not want to talk about it. I can tell she is embarrassed. Since she was somewhat closed off, I did not push too hard. I did try and explain to her, that she does not have to accept this behavior. That she matters. That I am here, in whatever way she needs me to be there for her. Her responses were typical from a child that does not fully understand how they feel. In short, had I pushed any harder she was going to shut down. So after our little talk, we just went about our day. I took her dance class, she was able to see and spend time with the friends that I believe treat her well. We had dinner (Teriakyi Cornish hen ala “daddy style”) and then struggled to find a movie that worked for both of us. I offered to watch a movie about bully’s – she shot that down in a second. We landed on a Chef Ramsey cooking show. Toria fell asleep earlier than usual, probably because she was emotionally spent.
This morning we talk a little (once again, she don’t want to get into the details and I will respect that) and I just reminder her, that if she needs me – I am here. If the other children start with her, that she has a couple of choices 1) ignore them after telling them to leave her alone 2) discuss it with a teacher or 3) call me. I explained that I would support whatever choice she made. She said, ok. When she opened the Jeep door, she had her head down and walked quickly into the school. I can tell that she is not comfortable. I also made the choice to allow her to LEARN how to deal with this….or better yet, give her an opportunity to deal with it. Lord knows, if she calls me, or if when she get’s home she is crying – then all I can say…is lord help anyone involved who is hurting my little girl. Yep that is Papa Bear talking…and if you think mama bears are tough you haven’t tough till you see this Papa Bear. LOL. No seriously, I will see how she feels today and respond accordingly.
Given, Toria’s personality type, I believe it is important for her to try and sort this out. She is a tough little cookie, having grown up with 2 older brother. Based on how she comes home today I will…..
Scenario 1 – She comes home and says that they left her alone or that whatever they may have said did not bother her i.e. she is really okay – hurt still but she will fine.
My reaction to scenario 1 is to….remind her that I am here if she needs me and then let it go. No call to parents, no call to my X, nada…just keep an eye on things and follow up if need be.
Scenario 2 – She comes home crying….and says that she is having a hard time.
My reaction to scenario 2 – I call this the “papa bear gloves off scenario”
1) Talk to a counselor at the school to alert them of the sitch. 2) Request that the counselor contact my X and communicate with her the sitch – excluding my name. 3) Determine what a. Toria will feel comfortable with b. what I feel comfortable with and c. what option the school suggest (i.e. change classes, etc.) 4) Contact the parents and alert them of what is going on. 5) Protect Toria at all cost.
In terms of scenario that is not quite scenario 1 and not scenario 2…my approach is quite the same…assess and react accordingly. My goal here is 1) show Toria how to handle sitchs like this 2) be there for her in whatever makes sense and 3) protect her from harm as best as I can.
Thank you again everyone!
Have a great weekend.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, Having watched my sister go through the bullying w/her son, I'm going to suggest that you not only schedule a meeting w/the counselor, but also request that the principle be in attendance. It will make more of an impact if you meet w/them in person. It is then up to the school to contact the parents of the child/children who are doing the bullying and get this nipped in the bud asap. It may come down to you and the parents meeting at the school to discuss the issue...but in my sister's case, the Principle took the matter in hand and got the problems resolved.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thx Job! I hope that Toria can sort this out. We will see though. Why can't we have the kids go from toodler to adult and skip the teenager part
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
But my other two learned it well and practice that often with good success.
