Well, I tried to give my H the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I am just not being objective, but I can't really imagine that my H truly just wants to know whether I have told the kids that I filed for S. It doesn't make any sense. First off, do they need to know the legal process involved in this? Second, it won't make any difference for them for the time being - I didn't change anything, I am just legalizing what is already happening. And third, does he really think I would tell them anything like that without him present?
I think he knows damn well I haven't told them - I don't know whether he is insinuating that I should tell them because I am the one who filed?
Whatever it is, I think I will just ignore it because it was such a stupid question.
And yes, it is a 180 for me to ignore him when he tries to instigate an argument.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Is he really manipulative enough to think that if he convinces me that I will have to take the blame with the kids, he will have some sort of leverage to get me to consent to resigning as a partner from his law firm?
That would be pretty gross. I hope that's not what he is trying to do.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
He does not see his own hipocracy. He is not looking ahead or backwards. Not sure why you care if he thinks its your fault if you file. Your jaw will drop many times through this. When someone is in crisis they are more likely to cooperate. The way . I see it is that he is creating a crisis for u so u fog up and can't think clearly. Step back and breath. Have no contact for a bit and think things through with a clear and rested mind. Aren't lawyers (our system ) adversarial by nature? Sadly both sides lose in this instance. Trying to find normalcy in any of this will consume you.
Hi Rick, thanks for stopping by my thread.
I find it mind boggling that someone could be so blatantly hypocritical and not see it at all. It makes me shake my head in disbelief.
I don't care if he thinks it's my fault, I'm just astonished at the way he is acting. (Or how he could possibly convince himself of such a ridiculous untruth.) I do, however, care if he decides to go so low as to try to convince the kids that this was my idea. That I do care about.
I don't think that lawyers are adversarial by nature. I practiced commercial real estate law and it was all very cooperative most of the time. I think that even D can be very cooperative, with the right lawyers. I think that with our lawyers, things could go very smoothly - the problem seems to be that H doesn't like the reality of what he is going to have to give up in order to D me. Thankfully, I think his lawyer will set him straight. So maybe it will go smoothly and he will just be pissed off at me. Who knows.
Sigh.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I don't think the kids need to b told. He moved out in November. Do they think he was abducted? Serving abroad? Is he a Navy Seal? The kids know.
Do you feel guilty about filing for S?
The kids know that we are separated. We told them that. There is no reason to tell them that I filed to make it legal, and my H must know that.
No, I don't feel guilty at all. I filed to protect my kids and myself, and I think that was 100% the correct decision, based on how pissed my H is about the injunction.
I did not file for D because I don't want to get D. I decided that could be H's decision.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
My ex thought she had it all under control, that it would go according to her plans. On the day she signed over the house to me the people who were giving me the mortgage almost called the police on her. She went nutty. Believe me they are capable of stuff that you never knew. People will tell you to take many paths. Take the one that u think its best for you or you will regret it later.
Let your L do the work and remove yourself. it will protect you emotionally and financially. Have his L communicate with yours about all things. Sounds cold? It worked for me andv it may not be your ditch. Think of all the options and don't corner yourself. And GAL. What are u doing for fun?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
As you've already stated, they kids know you two are separated and clearly dad has his own place. There is no need to sit them down again to let them know that papers were filed.
Will he then have another talk when HE files for divorce? I'd bet that he won't.
Telling them about the filing for separation is a mind game to manipulate/control your, but also the minds he's playing with the most are his children's. To try to plant a seed in their mind that this was their mothers doing? Disgusting.
I'm sure you'll get much better advice that this, but I think you should continue to not respond. If he wants to tell them, let him....but I would hope that your lack of response (or a short response such as "I don't see the purpose in that, but do what you will...") would cause him to change his mind in doing so.
Continue to show him he has no power over your behavior, stay calm in whatever you choose to say or do. And do not be like him and try to control in return. He sees that you're level headed and thinking smartly he wants to throw you off and get you thinking from a place of emotion to do what he wants....do not give him the satisfaction.
If he talks to them about it w/ them, don't worry, as time goes on the kids will know the truth by what they see. And what they will see is their awesome mom who was there for them 100%.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Discussing what? You two already had the separation talk with the kids, and that hasn't changed.
Furthermore, anything that your 9 and 7 year old "needs" to hear needs to be discussed beforehand between you and H, then presented together to the kids.
I am sorry he is resorting to using the children in order to try and get control back. You can't control him, but you can certainly tell him what is and isn't reasonable and acceptable.
He is obviously trying to find what buttons to push to get a reaction out of you, so my inclination is to not engage him at all. After all, that type of behavior shouldn't be rewarded with attention. However, this isn't theoretical-land and there are potentially serious consequences for the kids...maybe, as he could be bluffing, but I understand not trusting him enough to take that risk.
I can't think of a response that doesn't evoke an argument, which is what he wants. Even something as simple as "what do you think needs to be discussed?" could be responded with, "that's between me and my kids" just to get under your skin.
I'm sorry I can't help more. I just don't know what the perfect response is to an unstable person so absorbed with himself that he is willing to potentially hurt his own children to try and gain back some semblance of control. That's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
