melissa - standing up for me

[paul19510]

M Ha! Karma about the weather. Lol. Btw I admire you are handling things.

[25yearsmlc]

25, I have been running around all day and no chance to respond, but don't want you to think I am ignoring your posts.

Quickly, I will say that while I don't completely FEEL the way I want to (PM, you are right, I will check back and re read often!), I will not let that affect anything I do with respect to the terms of this D.

My H's mother got her CS order when H's Dad wasn't making much money (or was hiding it), and, despite the fact that he went on to become rather wealthy, she NEVER went back to get a modification, because her own selfish pride stood in the way. My H and his brother wore holey jeans (before they were trendy LOL) and had their hair cut with a bowl on their heads. They had to work on a farm all summer as early as 9 years old. I will never put my kids' needs second to my emotions in that way.

The action I am taking will not be based on any kind of emotion. I am merely coming here to admit that hey, I feel kind of bad about it. But that doesn't mean I won't do it.

I am sure that at some point (especially if H continues with his self-serving BS and hateful emails), I won't feel in the least bit bad, and I know that my emotions of the moment won't last, but whatever agreement we come to will affect me and the kids for a long, long time.

Just To add to your comment about women who give up CS and then pretend They have achieved something.

I knew an older woman who told me she "never took a cent" from her x h, the father of her FOUR children. She bragged about it as if it was an "achievement."

I sort of get that...but see, the thing is, she and her four children lived in squalor, it was their money she threw away, not hers. And why? All in order for her to keep her pride AND avoid her ex, too, I suppose.
Oh, wait... not to get too political, but she got welfare and food stamps.

So, come to think of it, wow, WE all actually paid her the child support her ex h owed...

She also punished the x by never letting him see the kids (which punishes the kids too, but I doubt she gave that a thought). AND she totally denied her children a father.

Back then, I think it was harder for men to see kids if they were not paying anything, but I'll never know b/c as I recall, her ex h made no effort after she tossed a few obstacles her way. He gave up way too easily. Today, courts separate the issues of money and visitation, thankfully.

Her kids and she had a rough life. I was shocked that she never could not see the idiocy AND selfishness of HER choices. She never saw the role She played in their dire circumstances. To my knowledge, she never conceded, or realized (or admitted), the damage She had wrought upon her own offspring.

Facts: 2 of her 4 children dropped out of high school, one of the 4 joined the military, ( he's the only one who attended college at all.) The last son ended up in jail, and no one mentions him...

Gee, isn't it great she achieved all ^^ that without any money from her evil useless ex??


You know what IS an achievement?

It's when you are FORCED to "make do" without help from the other parent, & despite that, you manage the poverty, you survive the poverty, and maybe you even thrive despite the poverty,

^^ Those are achievements to be proud of, but Not when YOU CAUSE the poverty!


She never seemed to awaken to HER role in their poverty...the word "fool" comes to mind.

Anyhow, I'm Glad to hear you are familiar with this odd destructive phenomenon.
So weird, isn't it?

Melissa, you got this.

[melissag]

So my H kept picking at me about why I want to have Ls involved, so I simply said, "I just want to do this the right way."

His response:

I would humbly suggest that there is no empirical "right way", but only a right way for you. I hope you find your right way.

LOL. I am actually getting to a point where I can laugh at his emails because he is so ridiculous.

I wonder if he thinks he is putting me in my place, when in reality with each communication like this, he is just showing me more of his true self, which isn't that attractive, unless I was attracted to five year old boys.

I swear I am pretty sure that both my kids are ahead of my H emotionally.

So, I think I will just ignore his email.

But, for fun, here are some possible responses:

LOL!!!

Oh my gosh, I didn't realize how selfish I am being. Let's do this your way.

Thank you!

You use the word 'humbly.' I don't think that word means what you think it means.

(Bonus points for anyone who recognized that was a Princess Bride reference.)

or the ever popular,

F.U.

Oh, I could go on. But I won't.

I am realizing what is happening here. My H has decided that it's time for him to be selfish (his words at BD). He feels entitled to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with no regard for me, my feelings, my future, our M, or really even our friendship. He is acting 100% as if this is no longer a partnership (if it ever was).

Yet, he expects ME to behave as though it is still a partnership.

(Does he truly not see his own hypocrisy?)

I am sad that things are the way they are, but me acting like it's a partnership will only screw me over.

Keep those emails, coming, H. With each one, it only reinforces the idea that I need to be looking out for ME and our kids.

[melissag]

OK, guys. I need some help here!

H just texted me:

Have you discussed your filing with the kids?

For those who have been through this, is there a time when my jaw won't drop at everything he says and does?

What the HELL is that supposed to mean? Is he actually asking me out of curiosity and concern for the kids? (Not likely.)

Or is he suggesting that the blame for this, as far as the kids are concerned, is mine?

I mean, there are a lot of ways to take that, but not many of them are good.

I feel like he is definitely trying to manipulate me.

And I have to say, I am SO glad I filed for S and not D. Because I somehow knew he would make it my fault if I did. As far as I am concerned, all my filing does is legalize what is already happening.

Why can't he just leave me alone?

[3boymom]

I would not respond at all. He is trying to bait you into an argument. He does not like that he is losing control. He is acting like an a$$ and does not deserve your time and energy worrying about it. You both know that he is the cause of the D. Even if he tries, he is not going to fool anyone. People will see through any story he tries to sell including if he tries to tell your kids it was your decision.

I would stop responding to ANY passive aggressive email/text. I think that it would be a 180 and may show him that his actions are not getting him anywhere.

(((((M)))))

[LFC1170]

Sounds like manipulation of the kids to me. By having you tell them about the S, it's entirely possible, they hear that this is your idea and YOU want out and not that DADDY is being irrational and a big child. Unfortunately, at that age, it is common that the one they would feel have broken up their "happy family" is you and not H. You should tell the kids together.

[LFC1170]

Wow Melissa,
Just looked back through all your posts and the word EPIC comes to mind (is it 14 chapters now?)

On your very first post, I totally empathize your feelings towards D. It IS stupid. To want to totally turn your life upside down, upset the kids, upset your finances, dealing with lawyers because of basically "hurt feelings" or lack of communication skill is unfathomable to me. My exceptions to this is infidelity and physical abuse. Anything else could and SHOULD be fixable.

"For better or for worse" means just that! Not "For better and when my feelings are hurt i'm splitsville!"

[MamaB]

Wow, Mellisa I have no words. He is really acting like a child. Unless he wants to know if you really told the kiddos. Ignore that BS. I'm sorry, you must hate looking at your email notifications!

[bluesgal]

M,
I agree with 3. Don't respond. 180 him to show he can't use the kids as a pawn in his little game. He's proving that he's willing to hit below the belt when he loses control.

This is on him. I am so glad you filed for S. I think you are right about him putting all of this on you.

[Rick1963]

He does not see his own hipocracy. He is not looking ahead or backwards. Not sure why you care if he thinks its your fault if you file. Your jaw will drop many times through this. When someone is in crisis they are more likely to cooperate. The way . I see it is that he is creating a crisis for u so u fog up and can't think clearly. Step back and breath. Have no contact for a bit and think things through with a clear and rested mind. Aren't lawyers (our system ) adversarial by nature? Sadly both sides lose in this instance. Trying to find normalcy in any of this will consume you.