hi there -- come on now, heads up! attitude up! confidence up!!
When this happened to me I decided to talk to my boss; I did not want to have to worry daily about whether I was slipping. I was so all over the place that I understood that I would not pick up on the issue myself if it were to occur. I asked him that if my productivity slipped, would he be good enough to tell me right away. He said "yes." I think he appreciated that fact that I asked him to keep an eye on my performance during this time. I also told him that I would advise him as soon as I felt that I was no longer walking around in a cloud (which I did about two months ago).
It sounds to me that you need to be really, really careful that his crisis does not become yours. YOU are standing for your marriage. I understand it stinks to hear this from someone you do not know, but I am not sure whether he plays much (any??) role in this.
If the process of detachment correlates to more pain for you(which it seems to me that it is), then for heavens sake, don't detach!! I've decided, for example, that my future falling out of love with my wife has nothing to do with when she, presumably, fell out of love with me. It may be the case that I never fall out of love -- this is fine with me as I can then more easily model commitment to our family (for the girls). As crazy as it sounds (and I do know this sounds nuts), I am not sure that this is an entirely bad thing -- one parent on a deeply personal quest, and one parent clearly the symbol of the family that the girls know. I think I can actually SUPPORT HER with this type of attitude in place(and have told her so).
By the way, you ARE still a family and the church event shows this. "Learn patience and learn it quickly! If you can be patient, you will see glimmers of your husband poking through the crisis."
By the way, I think you are feeling stuck because, well, we are stuck. There is no reason, for me anyway, to make it complicated. Yes, I'm stuck. I am also a little confused, a little depressed, a little excited (!!), a little bit of a better father, a little more forward thinking then I have been in a very long time, and even a little more selfish about where my life might take me after the girls graduate from high school.
Will my wife ever come back to me? I have absolutely no clue.
All I do know 100%, absolutely, without doubt, is that I STAND for my children, myself, my wife, and my marriage - in that order. I believe that even as a man, I can be a model unconditional love and commitment. If their mom moves on, when the girls need to see what love looks like, I will be there.
