I love her... but she doesn't - Desperate

[AnotherStander]

As I said in my previous post, I felt that we were intruders in her own little world (my D and I)... That's why I felt she had betrayed us.

I wouldn't look at it as betrayal. She's going through something right now, and she doesn't view you in the same way. She needs time and space, and the more you're around the more trapped she'll feel.

and so I felt that it was the time to spend together as a family.

Your feelings and her feelings don't align now. She is not going to meet you halfway either. So YOU have to do all the work. You have to accept her feelings as "right" to her and quit pushing for what you want.

I confronted her on the fact that she was getting more and more distant, and I thought that she was having an EA or PA, but she said that she did not, and that's when I got the first bomb: "I'm not sexually attracted to you at all anymore". This escalated over the next three weeks to the situation we have now.

That makes sense. Many BD's start over some seemingly minor event but end in BD.

However I do have one question. One of W's gripes was that I was not around too much (I worked a lot on my computer in my home office), so I did not spend enough time in the family room with her and our D. Is it correct to assume that I should try to spend more time there now?

This is one of those issues that people really struggle with because on the one hand you're supposed to give her time and space but on the other if you gave her too much space before then this might seem to her like "more of the same" behavior. What I did was while W was still under the same roof was try to show her "what she would be missing" if and when she left. So for example, she complained that we never ate dinner at the table as a family, so we started doing that. People told me not to have expectations, that it probably wouldn't make a difference, and it really didn't. She still left and has never looked back. I don't regret it though, because if I didn't do it, then now I might look back and wish I had. Make sense? Basically I'm saying at times where DB'ing is not clear-cut then go with your heart. If it doesn't work you can always change your approach later, DB'ing is about experimentation.

Mainly I understand now that I was very passive-aggressive. If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't say it, but I would be grumpy while doing it, to show my discontent. Juvenile behavior if you ask me now, and I totally understand it. How do I do a 180 on that though, if she won't ask about doing stuff?

Yeah, that was me too and was one of my W's complaints. My 180 on that was that if I was going to go do something with them then I was going to enjoy myself NO MATTER WHAT. I mean if you're going to commit to being there, do you enjoy yourself more if you're happy and upbeat about it or if you're grumpy? That was actually one of my easiest 180's, everything became a lot more enjoyable with just my change in attitude and that in turn made it easier to keep the change going.

Ask me now about how I should have behaved, and I would say I was a stupid crud. But at the time I did not realize I was hurting her.

I hear you, we all wish we knew! The best we can do is use that to create change in ourselves, become better people.

I want to do 180s on all of these things, but I feel that the opportunity is now gone.

The 180's are for you as much as your W. Do them because it is the right thing to do. Keep at them until they're no longer 180's, but are just part of the new you. Your W will see your 180's, but at first she'll think they're tricks. Eventually she'll realize that you really have changed, but it'll be months from now.

What is the spouse that only a fool would leave?

You already know that Think back about what you did in the M that your W really responded positively to. Think about the things she responded negatively to. Enhance the positives and do 180's on the negatives. Are you a good father? Awesome, but be a GREAT father! You were passive/ aggressive? Show nothing but PMA now. That sort of thing.