Good question blues! You are actually making me dig deep for this one
I am feeling more and more like myself. My sitch and my H are occupying less of my head space, although I know that it still needs a lot of work. When my H says crazy/selfish things, it no longer leaves me spinning out of control.
I have spent a lot of time thinking that maybe this is the way that things were supposed to work out. Maybe God has a different plan for my life, even if it is different from my plans/dreams. Maybe God knows that I deserve/need more love than my H had to offer. I feel like I don't need to fight as hard to hang onto our M. I don't feel as desperate as I did a few months ago. Don't get me wrong, I would still love for my H to be the guy that I grow old with and I will continue to stand for my M. But I want him to earn that love. And I understand and accept that my H may not be willing/capable of doing so.
Most of the time I feel happy and ok. I try to keep myself busy so that I dont have a lot of time to dwell on the negatives. This week I just would not let myself think about the fact that H was away on business with the OW. I just don't want to go there because it gets me stuck. Although I did talk about it this week in IC to try and work through the emotions so I am not completely bottling them up.
The last fews day I can been missing my H. I guess that I just miss having someone to share things with and worry about me. I just miss my BF. I was so proud of my progress detaching from H that I got frustrated that I was feeling sad and lonely again. But I realized on my drive to work this morning that it was okay. I am not really backsliding. Honestly, I will probably always care about my H and love him. I am not the one that fell out of love and left. I will also wonder what my life would have looked life if H did not leave and would have tried to work on our R. Those emotions will probably always be there.
I keep hearing the song "Say Something" on the radio and I feel like it was written for my life right now. If you have not heard the song here are the first four lines:
Say something, I'm giving up on you I'll be the one, if you want me to Anywhere I would've followed you Say something, I'm giving up on you
I feel like I am giving up on my H. I have given him so many changes to try and change and to save our M and our family. And he seems very content on living his life and trying to find his external source of happiness. I feel like I am slowly dropping the rope.
So I guess this is my question to the vets. Can I still let go of the rope even if those emotions (missing my H and what we used to have) are still there? I just cant imagine erasing all of those emotions based upon our 15+ year history.
