I'm not taking care of myself very well, have not eaten much in the past few days and am very weak, can't hold much down. I have a counseling appt this afternoon and am afraid I won't be able to drive there.
You're in "situational depression". Totally normal after going through this, but it is very, very painful to go through. You'll lose weight, you won't eat, you will just want to curl up in a ball in the corner. It seems like there's no escape. Unfortunately there's no shortcut past it, you're grieving the loss of your M and H and it takes time to heal from this. Be patient with yourself. Like M said, FORCE yourself to do things. GAL is the most critical and important part of DB'ing, but when you're in that dark place GAL'ing sounds frightening. But if you force yourself, then tomorrow it's easier, and the day after, until one day you'll be GAL'ing because you WANT to. Start out with something small, maybe walking around the neighborhood. Set a time and do it every day. Then add something else- painting, reading, volunteering, etc. When you're up for it then add an activity that gets you around other people. Make new friends, connect with old ones. Soon you'll realize that YOU have VALUE to others, that your H has as many demons as you do if not more and that his journey isn't about you, it's about HIM. You have to build a life without H now. You'll become strong and independent, and interestingly when you finally get there you may catch him looking back at you.
