I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Thanks LFC, I am glad you said this, because I often feel like, "what else could I be doing?" I mean this in the simple form that I don't want to look back and say, "I could've done more." I don't want to feel like I didn't try. She may be acting like she is willing to just throw it all away. But for me, when I got married, I made a promise, I gave my word. I want to and I feel like that should still mean something even if she is not willing right now. I cant control that, but I can control myself.

For the record I think it is part a MLC. I mean after we had a miscarriage this summer, after our first time really trying to have kids, I think she went into depression and hid it. She started getting big tattoos all over, which was not the norm. I mean she had a couple small ones when we got together. They were all Tats of overcoming adversity. She lost desire in trying again. Started wanting to go out and party again. Also to go join a band. Things she expressed no interest in prior. Sure, when we were in our 20s. But then we got married, bought a house, and were going to start a family. When we had the miscarriage, I think it did that to her. I also was not there for her emotionally. I traditionally don't show my bad feelings with her or others. Sadness is really what I mean. I grew up seeing it as a sign of weakness. I have felt like I was not allowed to show it, I needed to be the rock. So when miscarriage happened, yes I was sad, but I didn't go through or was not open to see that she was struggling with it. I was unavailable because of that. In hindsight I see this.

Believe me, Another woman sounds great just for a couple reasons. I don't deserve this. I am one hell of a catch. My ego was definitely damaged by this, so I do want to feel desired. I don't like feeling like I am somehow a backup, this is how I feel I am treated right now by W. So, maybe if I was dating she would realize what she gave up. HOWEVER, I cant act on any of that. I still love my wife, I still have woman married blinders on, in that I look at other woman right now, and am just kind of turned off. I really just want to be intimate with her. I looked at online dating, and tried to picture dating any of the women, and I cant see it.

I did do something I feel really bad about. I have had this girl that I have known and dated on and off for 18 years. We were in our teens when we got together. We got pregnant early on, and had a Abortion, per our parents. After 3 yrs we broke up. A few years later, we ran into each other, and got right back together. Again, we got pregnant, and again an abortion. Once more we dated a few more years. I was going through a lot at the time, and left the relationship, moved from Colorado to the northeast with my family. Basically they were leaving and so I did too. I left her, I guess I just didn't believe in her love. We have talked on and off over the last 14 years. We stopped talking when I got married. I stopped talking, because I guess I did not want to be tempted by her. She [censored] me in.
She had sent me a friend request on FB, which I ignored for about a year.

A few weeks after the bomb dropped, I accepted it. I messaged her just saying hi. We have started talking. She is in a serious relationship, on the verge of marriage. However said they were going through a hard time. She was not happy in general with her life. Our chatting right away felt like it was like old times. She was telling me how much she missed me and cared for me. How thoughts of me were keeping her up at night. All these loving things. I was just sucking up too. It felt so good to be desired, and complimented on what a great guy I am. One night, somehow we got on the topic of dirty texting. She then started sending very sexual texts that night. We were up till almost 5am doing this. At the time, I was loving it.

Right after, or the next day since I went to bed pretty quick. I felt such horrible guilt. I saw what I was doing and had done. I was the OM. I was doing just what this guy did to my marriage. I was disgusted with myself. I still feel that. We texted a few messages the next days, very casual, Hope you having a great day kind of stuff. The last 72hours, we have been silent. I know she is backing off and so am I. I think we both realize what had happened. I had told her beforehand, I knew she was in a Relationship, and I was in whatever this is, and that I was not looking to cause problems or pursue anything.

After the texting night, she had said, because there were thousands of mile between us, it felt safe. This is true. I mean, despite the other things I just said about how I felt. In reality, I have no intention of moving back out there, and I would say the same is true for her. She ahs a house they just bought. She had just started her own business. So, what then. Also I am no where near being done with what I am dealing with. I mean even if my W and I get a D, that will take forever, and selling our house, again a long long time.

But at the time, it all felt so good. I can see now, that it was wrong but at the time... That's one of my big problems. I sometimes just act, and don't realize the consequences of my actions till after. Even dealing with what's happening right now at home. I am working really hard to slow down. To think before I say anything, because I am trying to not rely on my instincts which want me to plan. I look at my situation, and my instincts want me to react. My W seems fine with this situation. She has not filed yet, she is still living here on and off. I was thinking about it, she is just focused on the OM. I mean not doing any housework, not taking care of her health. I don't understand any of this from her side. I mean if you are done, than go. If you want out, than do it. What is she waiting for?

I know this message is long, and I felt the back story on the OW, was important for context of why this texting thing was the way it was. I am not going to be the OM. I think I just wanted to feel wanted. I know she wants me. I know there is a reason we kept breaking up. I guess part of it was also that she is familiar. I also know I do love her(OW), I always have. But, I am not in love with her. I still do now want to pursue that. I was feeding a need, and now I feel bad about it.

Last night W was home, she was quiet, and so was I. I went to the bedroom and read for awhile. I had found, or thought I found a D support group that was happening last night. So I left her around 7 to go check it out. apparently my info was dated, and it does not happen anymore. I stayed out for like 2hours though, just reading in my car. When I came home, she was headed to bed. Since she had to get up at 3am for work, which is normal. So, I ordered a movie and went to bed after. She left a note again, saying she would be out tonight, but back Friday night.

So that's 3 nights this week. They are becoming more frequent. The notes, the behavior right now really feel like staying here is just about convenience. The OM is about 45min. south of here. Her work is about 5min north of here. So when she has to get up at 3, which is not every day, I think that's why she stays here. The only reason, it feels. Fine. I on the other hand will no longer be leaving notes.

I am getting better at not snooping. every time the last few days I have had the urge, I make myself go do something. whether it is posting a long story here (lol) or working out, I find a distraction to do first. Then when I finish that, I usually don't have as strong an urge and can keep busy. I have the day off today, and have some things to keep me busy today. I will be trying to keep focused on that.

I look back at what has happened so far with the Bomb dropping, talk of D. I felt like there was no way I would ever feel any better. But here I am. I am still here. I do feel a little better. But I am making it through. So even when it has seemed like the sky was falling, I survived, and I am still.