Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[Charlee]

Well, I've been reading here for about a month now, and finally got up the courage to post and introduce myself. I realize I need some support and this community seems like a good place to start.

Married under a year, but dated 2 years prior. No kids.
Our first year of marriage has been a disaster to say the least. Brief timeline:
- We decided to get married in January of last year (2013)
- He lost his brother to suicide in February and it caused some huge issues for us He asked me not to attend the funeral - his reasoning was that he wanted me to stay separate from the funeral so that he could return to me and pretend things were ok/have a safe place. I failed pretty miserably at supporting him the way he needed and ended up causing some pretty big fights. I thought everything was ok, but as we have progressed I have realized how the mistakes I made here, have never really healed.
- May - we got married
- June - I picked up my life and moved across the country to his military base

Things were ok the first few months, but October - December things just got bad. I think he is dealing with depression but won't admit it. He used to be a fun, happy person who loved doing social things and going on adventures. Now I'm lucky if I can get him to leave the house to go to the grocery store on the weekend. He's also drinking heavily, often in secret. I'll notice that half a bottle of wine will be gone between 10am-2pm while I'm gone on weekends. I never said anything about it, but between his depression and my pushing him to be more affectionate it caused huge fights. We started going to marriage counseling in January. Made it 2 appointments before he admitted to the me in a session that he is done. Doesn't see himself with me, thinks he is better off alone in the future and that it is easier to end things now then keep trying. That was middle of January.

He said all that, but followed it up with that he still loves me. Wants what is best for me, etc. I decided to spend the weekend with my brother and give him and myself space to process. After 4 days he asked me when I was coming home. I asked him if he wanted me there and he said "yes, but only if you can be happy".

I came home and we are now in this weird phase, I'm not sure what to call it. I started reading this site (and ordered the book, which I'm only a few chapters into). My plan, if I can call it that, has been to focus on myself. I've started going to networking events, got back into yoga and working out, and generally just focusing on myself and how I can be a better person.

I "think" there has been some positive change, but I honestly don't know. He comes home every night, he seems to want to be around me (I don't push him to be, but if I'm watching TV in one room he will often come in and put a movie on to watch with me). He cuddles with me on the couch, rubs my feet unprompted and generally seems to want to be close to me almost every night.

Beyond cuddling, we rarely kiss, and there hasn't really been anything beyond that. I've tried a few times to kiss him and he usually will, but pulls away quickly and tells me he isn't in the mood. Last week, he kissed the back of my head as we walked into a store completely unprompted. He'll occasionally wrap his arms around me and hug me randomly as well but its sporadic, and I try not to push for it.

I'm not sure whether I'm causing the depression (because he wants to leave but is staying for me) or whether the depression is from the loss of his brother and Im the collateral damage. He's under immense stress at work, and I'm trying to limit anything I do that causes him stress, but I'm struggling and feeling very alone and unloved.

I have glimmers of hope when his mood seems to pick up and he seems to want to be around me, but it usually fades quickly. This week has been full of him not wanting to be around me (hiding in his computer room) and avoiding touching me at all costs.

Anyways, apologies if this is too long for an intro post. I haven't really talked to anyone beyond a few close friends because they all can't understand why I am staying and trying to fix this rather than just leaving if it is so clear he may not love me anymore.