own buz 22:mediation to reconcilliation, hopefully

[makingmagic]

the next R convo started again last night. We were sitting in a vehicle keeping warm until our next client showed up. He started mentioning how he was going to continue to renovate as he feels he can't leave for at least a year or two (too much stuff/inventory) kicking around. I replied that I guess reconcilliation was off the table as that is not what the mediatior suggested (purchasing new). He agreed that he liked her idea, but didn't see how it could come to be as he is drowning in work at that house. I mentioned that there are ways, we just have to be open. This lead into further R talk. I listened. He mentioned how one of his good friends has read 10 relationship books, and he seems to like what his friend was talking about the other day. He would like to listen to him more. We discussed the mediator's father as a MC/IC, but he says he is likely too expensive (what a cheapo), but will still consider. He would like to talk to someone. He then started to talk about the value of our 20 year rel'p and the level of intimacy and says he values that more than he ever thought he would. We were then interrupted by a client call and then the client. After the client had left. I told him how frustrated I was that we keep getting interrupted by clients. That we don't make our R a priority and thats what happened to our R. I suggested we talk more, but he said he wanted to go pick up his dinner and go home. He ended up calling while we were both driving away, and furthered our R talk.

Again, I was listening and the R talk was going so nice. He was saying lots of things, admitting he loves me, etc. but is scared of reconcilliation. I tried to ask what would ease his fear, but it got sidetracked. Then I brought up "her", I asked if he was still in contact with her. He said yes, they have talked. I was stunned. I assumed that with reconcilliation discussion on the table, that he would not have her kicking around. He said that they are basically friends. That he told her that we went to mediation and that reconcilliation is on the table. She fears getting into more with him, because we have a long history. He says she is smarter than him. (WOW, didnt think there was anyone like that). That their beginning was NOTHING like ours (whirlwind, deep, passionate) nor was their a possibility to reach what we have/had. STILL, this bothers me. I then decided this was a boundary for me. Told him this is not good. There is no room for 3 people in reconciliation. So, I was taking it off the table. This really bugs me. I stated I will not be second choice either. That I deserve He cannot have his toe on both sides. I know that he is not deciding between me and her better. He is just really confused and scared. I told him I appreciated his honesty. It was like he was telling me/asking me for permission. That by Being up front, suddenly allows it..... it does NOT. Does it?

I did not say that^^^^^ as an ultimatum, I was calm and understanding the whole convo. I can understand his confliction about "our" relationship/issues. But, I just cannot have him on the fence, with OW as back up (not fair to her either), and this whole sitch sounds like he wants to be in limbo for the next 2 years.

He did mention again that the coffee/costco visits was him making an effort, calling it a "start". I dragged up how I get costco but she gets dinner/movie. Displaying that was not fair, that we haven't been to a movie in at least 10 years!

He mentioned he would prefer sitting on the couch with movie/pizza/beer with me. He values that more than movies. But, is too afraid to start.

We also discussed how breakfast the other day was very comforting for both of us, how we missed our family. He misses alot of stuff. I am glad to hear he had a nice time too.

I brought up how the mediator "saw" our intimacy. I was really surprised and that it has since made me think more. Realizing that if others could see it, he agrees and I agree... then that was worth looking deeper. He said he wonders if 50% or less have what we have (not even married people have what we have). He does not take this part lightly. I mentioned that if we do not look deep we could lose our 20 year rel'p/intimacy forever. Gone forever. And that is why I was considering. That is why I wear the "closed" sign, not interested in entertaining others.

I could tell he was not being receptive to talking anymore, (he was now home, and chicken dinner staring at him) but that he mentioned he had things to talk still, and I stated we needed to think. He has given me things to think about. That I hear him and as much as I want to pretend I didn't hear this stuff, I did. That I need to think. I left the convo stating "is the risk worth the reward"

He said "talk tomorrow, good night, M"

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Im just really skeptical now... it sounds like he is ok not knowing for himself. That he is not in a hurry, although he does want to figure it all out. Meanwhile, sounds like coffee/costco is safe for him and that it will be a very long time before he will "commit" to "working on it, officially".