Yeah we chat most days now. At first she was completely NC with me, but now 90% of it is her calling/txting me. I try only to get in touch if its regarding the kids or urgent.
She has actually instigated some really pleasant chats this last few days, including one quite deep one about some past problems she had.
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
See...There is an excellent 180 for you. Why are you so addicted to physical affection? From there take on how to control the feeling of being unwanted because you aren't getting physical affection. These are good things for you to work on....as being affectingly touched is nice, but a healthy person would not be having withdrawal symptoms.
The chatting is good....make sure your listen and validate when needed....funny and aloof when things aren't of a serious nature.
Also it was the potential OM that took delivery of the flowers... My W seemed to find this amusing. She also stated that perhaps I should have just "p*ssed on her" ie marked my territory instead of sending them as it would have been cheaper!
So she she talked openly about the OM delivering the flowers? Did he find it amusing as well?
Her remark about marking your territory........did it cause you to feel she appreciated you sending flowers?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
2x4 coming here....Questions you should be asking yourself. Why did you give her a hug? What was your gain after she has expressed she didn't want it? Why did you not work on a 180 that was noted earlier in the day?
See Recruit....We see all kinds of different scenarios on here....Now your wife is the usual WAS. You on the other hand are not the typical LBS. You are very codependent, suffer from depression, and are addicted, yes addicted, to the need for physical affection. You use physical affection not as an expression of love, but instead to fill an "unwanted" feeling in your soul. That isn't love my man, that is just filling an addiction. Since you made the choice (180 mentioned earlier) to not work on controlling your addiction...You hugged her (not to express affection or empathy, but to fulfill your own problems) which I am sure she saw as pursuing, pressure, unwanted, and otherwise completely horrible.
That is what we call a "backslide".....so get yourself off the floor and wipe the dust off your pants. What did you learn from all of this? And if you tell me all you learned is your wife doesn't want hugs I will hit you with another 2x4....as you should be learning more than that.
Now I don't typically talk about what spouses may be thinking....but here is my break down on your wife. I don't really think your wife is a WAS. What I think is that she is on a big old power trip. She may be a WAS in the sense that she can easily control how you behave (maybe enough to go end the marriage to find a new more challenging toy to control)...but her behavior screams she is controlling and manipulating you and OM. To me it sounds like she is getting off on playing you two against one another....Who can she control to get what she wants done?
Now is that a game you want to continue or do you think it is time to change things a bit. I don't mean leaving, but I do mean getting off the roller coaster, fixing you crud, and stop being manipulated by your own weaknesses to do what she wants.
She arrived home from work tired and emotional. I went to give her a hug. She went insane!
I really didn't expect that - I think I have undone days of work
Did you think the R was better b/c there was more daily contact from her, or b/c the conversations were more positive? I could see how that would be misleading, but you would be doing yourself a favor by not placing a lot of value to things like this. B/c you start reading more into her actions than is really there. You set yourself up for disappointment.
I strongly urge you not to touch her for now. If she leans in to hug you, you can give back at the same degree she's giving you. If her LL is not touch, she doesn't want it from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just curious, how can one be "too unwell" to speak to a therapist???
I agree with some of the other posters here . . . it seems you have some issues you need to address so that YOU can move forward and be happy, no matter what happens with your W. Neither your W nor any other woman (or person at all) can make you happy. You need to do that on your own.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
