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YvetteA Offline OP
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Hello all! This is my first time posting here, but I've been lurking for a few weeks. My husband is 29 and I am 26. We married in 2010 and have two small children together D3/S2months, he has a D8 from previous relationship. The BD 1/9/14 and H moved out the same day after months of tension between us. From the beginning of our marriage I have felt that my husband considered our marriage as a temporary thing, he was constantly leaving the house and sometimes wouldn't return for days. Everytime he returned, I took him back with open arms. I think that was my biggest mistake:( We have gone through quiet of bit of stress in our marriage. We got pregnant, married, moved into my parents house to save to buy our home, bought our home, and had another child in just under 4 years. We stopped taking care of eachother and putting the relationship first. I became a SAHM and he was always working(he's a police officer). The relationship seemed to take a turn for the worse during my second pregnancy. He became more frustrated, less considerate, and just overall treated me like I was his last priority. He adores our kids, but sometimes couldn't stand to be around me. We stopped being physical about 7 months ago, and stopped all physical touching about 4 months ago. He has never seemed to think me every important and when I began to notice him becoming friendly with a coworker on his new shift I became suspicious. She would text him about being bored at home while he was home with the kids and I. On social media she seemed very comfortable with him also. I constantly confronted him about it and he would deny it left and right, but the point wasn't really that i believe he was being physical with her...my problem was that he was being too friendly and not really respecting me as his wife. He constantly accused me of being insecure and I guess I was because my confidence in the marriage was at an all time low. Constantly Being left, receiving no affection from my husband while pregnant, no consideration, little respect...it definitely made me insecure. My husband left us when I was 4 weeks post partum, it was devastating. He completely checked out. It took him 10 days to finally come see our kids. He wants a divorce immediately and we've had our house on the market for about 2 weeks now. Things are moving so fast and I can't wrap my head around it! I am trying to give him what he wants even though it's breaking my heart. About two weeks ago I also noticed that he was texting this woman even more so than before. It may very well just be an extremely friendly flirtation, but it cuts me to the core. My husband is also constantly lying to me about things. Ive tried detaching from him as much as I can and GAL, but with two small children I am finding it extremely difficult!!! I see him a few times a week when he comes to the house to watch the kids. He has not yet filed for divorce, but we are selling our house already, we've split our savings account, he seems to want to get this process moving quickly. I'm trying not to beg or cry around him anymore, and most days I'm okay...but the panic sets in here and there and I revert back to doing what I'm not supposed to do. I want to save my marriage so badly and I don't know what I can do anymore. Yesterday(valentines day) was very confusing also. We went to file our taxes and at the end of it he had bought chocolates and teddy bears. I think it was more out of sympathy than anything else. Any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated!!

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I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Have the two of you ever had marriage therapy? Understanding why things aren't working and learning to communicate are crucial in a healthy relationship. If he isn't willing to get some help with you, I suggest you talk to a DB coach on your own. You will get critical insight on how to interact with him differently, that is more likely to turn things around. It is also so important to know how take care of yourself, so that you can stay strong for your children. Give me a call for more information. Take good care.


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
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YvetteA Offline OP
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Thank you, I'll look into it. And yes, we've been to a marriage counselor once before. It was eye opening, but we never went back after that. I wish he would have been more willing to try. Now he is to the point where he is completely done. As a matter of fact, we just got an offer on our house and by contract have to take it because the buyers are offering everything were asking for. I'm in shock. We've just separated on 1/9/14. Things are moving too fast and I'm devastated. I have no control over my life anymore.


Me:26 H:29
Married:4/2010
D3/S2months
BD:1/9/14
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power


Me-70, D37,S36
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YvetteA Offline OP
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Thank you! So today our real estate agent came so we could sign the papers to open escrow on our house. My H was at the house today watching the kids for a while and we were together when we signed. I don't know if doing things like that is any good because I don't want to give the impression that I agree with any of it, but I have no choice but to go along with it. After our agent left, I brought up dividing our belongings because if all goes well, we have to be out of the house in 30 days starting tomorrow. He pretty much said he didn't care too much about many things. I told him I was planning on renting an apartment or buying a condo soon after the sale so I do want to take the kids furniture, the couch and our kitchen items. He has no problem with it. I think he is just going to continue renting a room from his cousin. So he really doesn't need much. I told him he can have everything from our bedroom. I also brought up the issue of child/spousal support. I know that's a hot button topic for him because he already pays a considerable amount to his D8's mom, but there is no way I can take it easy on him. I was a SAHM for 4 years and will not finish school till the end of this year so he needs to understand that he has left me and the kids in a difficult spot. I think he feels that because we are selling our assets and will be walking away with a good chunk of money, that I would let that issue slide. Ummm not likely! I feel when I talk about that though that it's something that pushes him away. Reminding him that I've been dependent on him and will continue to be at least till I start working after I'm done with school. I also mentioned to him that he hasn't been very considerate and he took offense to that because to him providing financially was him being considerate. He also insinuated that me staying home wasn't really his choice...? I couldn't believe my ears!! In the almost four years we've been married never has he stressed to me that he wanted me to get a job! I was busy raising our daughter(now our son), I've been going to school off and on since we've been married and I thought it was by mutual agreement that I would stay him with the kids till our youngest was old enough to go to daycare and I can at that point begin my career. I believe he says that now because my dependence on him financially is an issue he has had with me, but never made me aware of. I can't wait to start working and show him that I am not someone just comforable with staying home and having babies. That was never my life's goal. I just thought I had married someone with the same beliefs that I had. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to talk to him. I feel that anything I say or do is taken as bad and wrong! I'm walking on eggshells. Any advice is greatly appreciated:)


Me:26 H:29
Married:4/2010
D3/S2months
BD:1/9/14
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It sounds like you feel guilty talking to him about child/ spousal support. Don't feel guilty, that's his obligation. It's not charity! If he says he doesn't want to talk about it or that he doesn't think he needs to pay it, then consult with a lawyer to determine your options. Often the WAS will move out and will go months or even years without pursuing formal S or D, so sometimes women are in financial limbo when their H leaves. You need to protect yourself and the kids financially. Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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YvetteA Offline OP
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Thank you for replying!! I have contacted attorneys and have been assured that if we go to court it would not be good and work in his favor. He and I both agreed to not go through attorneys though. We would like to do things by mediation and mutual agreement. It saves us money and at the same time keeps it somewhat amicable. I'm mostly going the mediation route because I know if we go to court things will most likely get ugly and probably destroy any chance we have at R. Also, I don't think he is going to wait very much longer before filing D. He has already consulted paralegals and legal document places so I believe he is going to do it soon. When we first separated he was in such a hurry to file that my head was spinning. He hasn't though and I know it's probably not because he's reconsidering, more like he hasn't found the time. As far as him providing support, he has stressed numerous times that he doesn't care how much he pays as long as he has his freedom. I think the issue now is sitting down and talking about a set amount. I don't look forward to that! I have little while before the house sells so as of right now it's not that urgent(we still share a bank account). I'm kind of losing hope for a reconciliation. There is nothing positive to any of this, we are just slowly pushing eachother further and further apart.


Me:26 H:29
Married:4/2010
D3/S2months
BD:1/9/14
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
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YvetteA Offline OP
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So in my attempt to inspire a reaction from my husband I have dyed my hair. I generally like the natural look, but I recall a few months ago my H mentioning my hair was too plain. I'm not overweight, I'm pretty, but I'm not the type to wear overly revealing clothes. I lean more towards the conservative in my normal wear. I'm going to try to change that. Ive also tried changing the way I interact with him here and there just to see what reactions I get. He comes to the house and watches our kids and I usually make enough dinner for all of us, but yesterday after returning from an errand I just served myself a plate without offering him any(usually he doesn't need an invitation) and went upstairs for the duration of his stay. As he was leaving, he brought up that he was leaving sooner because he hadn't eaten anything while he was here, that he hadn't touched any of the food. So that 180 didn't inspire a very good reaction from him. He isn't used to me not being considerate with him. I'm not sure if I should continue not doing things for him or if I should stop and turn the consideration back on. Hmm...


Me:26 H:29
Married:4/2010
D3/S2months
BD:1/9/14
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
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YvetteA Offline OP
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So H came over to watch the kids today. He arrived and I was just serving myself a plate for lunch and I told him jokingly that there is food on the stove for him and our daughter, so he won't accuse me of starving him. It didn't inspire a laugh, but he got up and ate with d3 and I. I ate, say bye to the kids and him, and left shortly after he arrived. I went to class, grabbed dinner with a friend and went home. I got home said hello to the kids, and pretty much just spoke to them. He left shortly after. Our d3 asked him where he was going and as always told her he was going to uncle xxx's house. That is what affects me the most. My d3 misses her dad like crazy and it breaks my heart that he isn't around with us like he used to. Ah well...


Me:26 H:29
Married:4/2010
D3/S2months
BD:1/9/14
Joined: Nov 2013
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Hey.

I'm not sure how emotionally stable you are right now considering how fast everything is moving in your sitch, but you seem to be doing well.

"So that 180 didn't inspire a very good reaction from him. He isn't used to me not being considerate with him. I'm not sure if I should continue not doing things for him or if I should stop and turn the consideration back on. Hmm..."

One thing a poster told me about 180's was that I'm only supposed to do 180's that are positive. They say to be a spouse only a fool would leave. I'm still a little confused by that one. They also say to be friendly but not friends. I think a lot of info may contradict so it's up to us to decide what suits our sitch's best.

The road to reconciliation is a long hard one. I hope you're up for the challenge!!


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
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