Today was a pretty good day. I drove on my D9's field trip this morning, then had a long lunch with two girlfriends, where my H and my sitch wasn't even mentioned. (I am not sure whether one of them even knows about the sitch, actually.)
We had TKD this afternoon and I passed all my tests, whew! I really am in a place where I would just prefer not to see my H at all. Thankfully, we were not paired up today - the foot of height difference helps when we pair off by size. I don't even want to look at him, let alone talk to him. But, there's not much I can do about it, other than be grateful that at least he only goes two of the three days a week.
I had my women's self empowerment group tonight - it's kind of for women in transition. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's a lot of focus on self discovery and community. One of the things we talked about tonight was how important it is to make sure that your internal values match your external world. So, we did an exercise to figure out what our values are - for the next 6-9 months. It was really interesting and I feel like I have more direction now that I know what is important to me, and therefore what I need to be focusing on.
I kind of figured something out today.
There are a lot of grieving processes to go through. Not just the loss of my M. The loss of what I hoped my M would be. The loss of the future I had planned. The loss of an intact family. The loss of my friendship with my H. All of that stuff. And then, the loss of the belief of who my H is. Recognizing that, without my H addressing his issues, our M was destined to fail. Recognizing that, as we have been discussing, I have to treat my H in a way I never wanted to, because it's the only way to respond to the way he is treating me. And, one of the hardest, admitting that truly, he is probably doing me a favor. (Ouch. That one is rough.)
Just so many different things to mourn, and so many emotions to cycle through.
For example, you'd think that if I realized that my H has some issues that really made it impossible for our M to work, that would set me free. But no . . . it makes me feel guilty for thinking that way. And sad that it's true. And selfish because I wonder if maybe I am just blaming it on him. Angry that it is what it is. And so on.
Does anyone else feel guilty about detaching from his/her H or W? I'm not sure if detaching is the right word. I mean, do you feel guilty thinking that maybe you would be better off without him or her? I'm thinking maybe it's because I feel so strongly about commitment and trust and loyalty.
Anyway, I am yammering now. Just some thoughts swirling in my head.
I need to respond to H's email, but I really don't want to. I have kind of enjoyed a full day of not getting any nasty emails.
When I do, I'll use Wonka's words, verbatim.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I don't even want to look at him, let alone talk to him. But, there's not much I can do about it, other than be grateful that at least he only goes two of the three days a week.