Stuck On You

[Raine]

<3 you AJ. I do really want some of this stuff to come from him. I despise the imagery of the nagging wife/mother.

This are pretty dang amazing. I've got my one or two items that I'm holding onto, but other than that, it's nearly unbelievable to image the kind of relationship we have. It's better than it has ever been. I am closer to him than I ever have been. He treats me like I'm the greatest treasure on Earth, that he nearly lost. I have bits and bobs of stuff that I've messaged to people that I need to compile into a post here to shine a full light on what this has grown into.

BG, he said some pretty awful things after the first BD (august 2012), which was three months before I found out about the OW (nov 2012) and we began a 7 month separation. Such as, he would never love me again. He said that and then couldn't remember he said it the next day. The most horrible thing he said was I should have miscarried. That I should have had an abortion. I know he doesn't remember that, and I will never tell him that one either. There were a lot of accusations about how horrible I had been, all the things I had done wrong. Lots of really absurd things, exaggerated. Anything to make me defensive.

He had bits of clarity all along the way, but I remember the biggest one for me came at end of March 2013. Here are some texts from him that day. This was 15 days before I had our baby, two months before he moved back in, and 9 months before he ever told me he loved me again. Yikes, this did take a long time, and so short compared to many others. These are texts he sent me:

"I brought it on myself... And was always a part or the main proponent and soul executioner of the decisions... But you are right in your assessment and wording on the conclusion. I refuse to be called a victim. Victims had zero control ever. I just have zero control NOW!"

"I love to think I'm still me. I sometimes genuinely forget that my relationships with people have changed from what they were. I can't assume that you want to spend time with me and play games... I forget that you don't like me... I assume I can still charm you just right or annoy you just right. I don't have the right or the ability any more. I like the moments when we both forget for a minute and just make each other laugh. That's when I know it's all going to be all right and we'll both be fine with how this has ended up becoming. I got more right than I got wrong before this all went to [censored]... I can be proud and happy about that...

And I now plan on clamming up and rolling into the fetal position... :-P "

"You didn't... You said just enough... And I upset myself. :-P I'm not sorry. I need a dose of reality so I can move onwards and upwards. I'm living in a dream world right now. I just need to take some damn ownership of my life. Like I said though I upset me. No matter what you'll never know what I've gone through in the past however many months. Or what I went through before we even met. That's one thing you've got dead on. You didn't create this, and I've got my own issues that no one... Not even me in a state of blind anger could ever pin on you. But you know what I'll always do... Sing all!!! Sing all my cares away. :)"